


Ode to a Friend

by orphan_account



Category: Glee
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe, Comfort/Angst, Drama & Romance, F/F, Faberry Week, Friends to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-28
Updated: 2012-05-28
Packaged: 2019-04-19 19:10:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 57,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14243886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Rachel and Quinn are childhood friends, though Rachel is four years older and Quinn is friends with Rachel's little brother Noah. Quinn harbors a crush on Rachel fordecadesand it finally comes to a head.------Author's Note: In this story, I reference YouTube as being invented when Rachel (who I make a few years older than she is on the show) was six years old. In reality, YouTube premiered in 2005. You will just have to indulge the anachronism. I am fully aware of it.In chapter 5, the "inscrutable exhortations of [her] soul" bit is a line from a Calvin and Hobbes comic. I love that line so much.Title takes its name from a Jann Arden song by the same name, which I think is a splendid Faberry song.This is a shallow, fluffy fic without any depth. It's kinda like a Freddie Prinze, Jr. movie and I am unembarrassed about that--





	1. Chapter 1

**Title:** ode to a friend  
**Author:** Sulkygeek  
**Rating:** R  
**Length Chapter:** 57,330  
**Spoilers:** through season 3  
**Summary:** Rachel and Quinn are childhood friends, though Rachel is four years older and Quinn is friends with Rachel's little brother Noah. Quinn harbors a crush on Rachel for _decades_ and it finally comes to a head 

* * *

 

**Chapter 1**

Quinn Fabray was five years old when she fell head-over-heels, butt-crazy in love.

For as long as she could remember, she'd had a tumultuous friendship with the boy who lived across the street. At five years old, Noah Corcoran-Berry was already developing a precociously rebellious streak, but he was tender and protective with Quinn in a way that belied his very young age.

Still, he was just a five year old kid whose parents had gone through a very ugly divorce and he was an angry kid with a predisposition towards aggressive hyperactivity.

It wasn't a shock that Noah kicked a kid in the shin, shoved the kid so hard, the kid landed flat on her ass and then stormed away-- that was kind of par for course back then. The shocker was that he did it to _Quinn_.

"Noah!" Rachel, Noah's older sister, shrieked, running out of the house as he stormed in.

Quinn was already in tears.

Rachel Corcoran-Berry was nine years old, and small for her age. But from the way everyone in the neighborhood whispered about the Corcoran-Berry family, Rachel was a mini adult who was treated more as a spouse than a kid ever since Mr. Berry took off for greener pastures, leaving Shelby Corcoran alone with two kids.

"Oh honey," Rachel cooed when she reached Quinn. She rested on her knees. "Where does it hurt, sweetheart?"

Quinn turned on the waterworks extra hard because she loved Rachel's attention. She always had. She couldn't remember the first time she met Rachel-- she'd always just been there but Quinn had clamored for her attention before she could speak in complete sentences. Quinn held up her hand where there were specks of blood from where her hand grazed an errant rock when she fell on the lawn. Then she pointed at her shin where there was a streak of dirt from the toe of Noah's sneakers when he kicked her. Her lip quivered and she wiped at her eyes with her uninjured palm.

"He was mean to me," Quinn managed to gasp out, not even trying to stop her tears because she had Rachel's attention now. She usually tried to prove that she was a big girl-- tears were frowned upon in her own house and just _barely_ tolerated on a good day and met with a smack on a bad one. But Rachel never seemed to mind when Quinn cried-- if anything, Rachel was extra nice to her when she did and Quinn loved the attention.

Rachel petted Quinn's hair in a gesture that was almost maternal. She kissed Quinn's dirty shin, seeming not to care that it wasn't very sanitary and then kissed Quinn's palm, seeming not to care that it wasn't very hygienic.

"Let's get you inside, honey," Rachel murmured. She tucked one arm under Quinn's knees and put her other arm behind Quinn's back to brace her and then hefted the blond child up.

Rachel was small for her age, while Quinn was tall, so the sight of a tiny brunette not even into the double digits of age trying to pick up a five year old child was comical to outsiders. But Quinn felt safe and warm and like nothing in the world was wrong. She rested her head against Rachel's shoulder and just let herself be carried inside. It was a display of childishness that she would never have allowed herself to indulge in, if it weren't for Rachel's presence. Quinn wanted very much to be a 'big girl' and finally be allowed to hang out with her older sister, Taylor. But Quinn simply preferred Rachel to Taylor.

Rachel took her to the bathroom, got out some antiseptic and rubbed Quinn's hand. Quinn squeezed her eyes tightly and took a deep breath, holding it in to be brave and not whine or whimper when the disinfectant stung the tiny open cuts.

"There, there," Rachel murmured warmly.

Rachel got a nice hot washcloth and blew on it to cool it down a bit before she gently rubbed it across Quinn's shin, cleaning off the dirt Noah left. She murmured in sympathy when Quinn winced at how tender her flesh felt. That was going to definitely bruise tomorrow.

"I know Noah is sorry," Rachel murmured. "Why was he so mad?"

Quinn sniffled. "I just said maybe your daddy will come back from New York with my daddy. My daddy went there on Monday and Mommy said it was just for business and he's coming home tomorrow. Your daddy went to New York, too, so maybe he can come home with mine." Quinn's lip quivered. "I was just asking."

Rachel gave Quinn a sad smile. "Our daddy isn't going to be back for a while, honey. But thank you for suggesting it. Noah and I have to wait until our mom and dad go to court because they're getting divorced."

"Oh," Quinn said softly, not really understanding necessarily, but not asking for clarification because she didn't want to make Rachel's face look even sadder.

Rachel kissed Quinn's shin and put a Band-Aid on the blonde's palm. She kissed Quinn's palm over the Band-Aid.

"Do you think you can walk, Quinnie? I can carry you if you can't."

"I can walk," Quinn said with a nod, wanting very much to be brave in front of Rachel. She would love for Rachel to carry her again, but she didn't want to be relegated to the status of 'baby' in Rachel' mind, and she understood even then, that she was headed dangerously for that territory.

Rachel beamed at her. "You were such a strong girl today. I'm very proud of you. Noah can kick very hard." She stood up and held her hand out for Quinn to take. She grinned to cheer Quinn up. "I would know."

Quinn smiled and put her hand in Rachel's slightly larger one and allowed herself to be pulled up.

Rachel smiled at her. "Let's go find Noah so he can apologize."

They walked out of the bathroom. The first door they passed was the door to Rachel's room and Rachel stopped.

"Wait," Rachel said. She dropped Quinn's hand for a moment and ran inside. She came back with a roll of gold star stickers, Rachel's trademark, and she put a sticker on the tip of her finger and then pressed it on the back of Quinn's uninjured hand. "Because you were so brave today."

Quinn smiled at her. "Can I take one home for my sister?"

Taylor was not particularly interested in her, and Quinn was hoping that if she gave Taylor a sticker, maybe Taylor would like her better. Taylor was eight years older than Quinn and therefore four years older than Rachel, but only three years ahead of her in school because Rachel apparently started kindergarten early. This was apparently very important because it meant Rachel would always be one of the younger people in her class, and there was talk about skipping her another grade, which both of Rachel's parents balked at, since making her even _younger_ relative to her classmates would only make her school life more difficult and it was already fairly difficult because the other children found her strange. Still, the school was pushing for it because Rachel was curious and intelligent, but this caused her to be disruptive and chatty in classes and the theory of the school to skip her a grade was that she might settle down if she were challenged. It was either that or medication, which Rachel's parents also balked at. Quinn's mother studied psychology in college before she withdrew to get married and start a family instead, and she supported the Corcoran-Berry family all the way. Rachel's family was routinely a topic of conversation at the Fabray family table, so Quinn knew for a fact that her mother was irate that the school wanted Rachel medicated to make her docile.

"It would completely change that child. She'd be a zombie."

Quinn knew enough to know that her mother did not mean that literally, but she did not want Rachel to become a zombie, metaphorical or otherwise, so she prayed every night for Rachel's parents to stay strong in the face of the school's persistent recommendations because she didn't want anything about Rachel to change.

Rachel and Taylor no longer went to the same school, since Taylor was now matriculating in the middle school, but Rachel privately thought there was no way Taylor would care about a gold star sticker. Still, Rachel decided to indulge Quinn.

"Sure," she said, concealing her amusement. Meticulously, she tore around a sticker so it still had its back rather than peeling it off. She passed it to Quinn who carefully put it into the pocket of her shorts.

"Thank you," Quinn beamed.

"Sure," Rachel said, smiling back. She ruffled Quinn's hair and she smiled even larger when Quinn practically purred in response. "Let's make sure Noah apologizes to you."

Rachel knocked on Noah's room and went inside without waiting for Noah to respond.

"Noah, apologize to Quinn right now."

Noah glared at Quinn. "You tattled on me to my sister?!" he yelped.

Noah was clearly furious-- he was the type of boy who, even at age five, got into fights defending the honor of his mother and sister. With his father gone, he was the man of the house and he was ferociously protective of them. And their opinion of him was the only thing that mattered to him-- he did not appreciate it when his image was sullied in front of them.

"Noah," Rachel murmured. "I know you're better than that. We don't hit, remember?"

His defiance lingered only for a moment, and then he relented. "Sorry, Rachel," he whispered.

"Not to me, Puckie," Rachel murmured. "To Quinn."

Noah faced Quinn. "Sorry, Quinn," he said quietly.

Quinn only briefly considered rejecting the apology, but she saw the sunny, encouraging smile on Rachel's face and did not want to disappoint her. "It's okay," Quinn said, patting Noah on the shoulder.

Rachel smiled at both of them. "Quinn, I'm just going to run across the street and let your mom know that you're playing inside the house now, okay?"

Quinn smiled back. "Okay."

Quinn watched Rachel leave and felt a longing that she was incapable of articulating at that young age.

She turned to Noah and punched him in the arm. "Puckie?" she mocked nasally.

He rolled his eyes and punched her back, though gently. "My mom says I can pay hockey."

Quinn snorted. "Yeah, right. You'll lose all your teeth."

He bared a mouth full of baby teeth at her. "I can do it."

She shrugged. "It's your teeth."

He scowled. "Rachel says they'll just use me as the puck. I hate it when she calls me Puckie!"

Quinn was contemplative. "What about just Puck? Just Puck is okay."

He considered it. "Just Puck is cool," he said finally.

Noah was saying 'cool' a lot because Rachel was starting to say 'cool' a lot. Although Rachel was also saying words like 'disadvantageous' and things like 'the incomparable oeuvre of Broadway diva with a deservedly legendary reputation, Barbra Streisand,' but he definitely wasn't saying any of that.

A few hours later, Shelby Corcoran came home from coaching her Vocal Adrenaline glee team. Quinn heard Shelby and Rachel talking in the kitchen and she and Noah crept out of his room to watch Shelby and Rachel. Rachel was taking out food from the refrigerator to help Shelby get started on dinner and Quinn watched in awe as Shelby and Rachel-- appearing like time twins separated by twenty three years more than mother and daughter, worked together like well-oiled machinery.

Shelby caught sight of Noah and Quinn spying and smiled. "Quinn, do you want to stay for dinner?" she asked.

Quinn would have loved nothing more, but it was a Thursday night and Thursdays were always saved for family dinners in the Fabray house. "I can't," Quinn said quietly, apologetically.

"Oh, right," Shelby said. "It's Thursday. Well, maybe you can come for dinner tomorrow night," she said. "Rachel will walk you home, honey. Rach, baby, will you please thank Mrs. Fabray for keeping an eye on you guys today?"

Rachel smiled. "Sure, Mama."

Quinn thought it was unfair that Rachel did all the watching, but her mother got all the glory-- she thought Rachel's mom should be thanking Rachel instead. She had a very black-and-white view of fairness, and she thought it was _really_ unfair that Rachel's mom was thanking her mom instead of Rachel. After all, Quinn was well aware that being across the street, her mom was only in charge if there was a big emergency. But Rachel always handled the little emergencies like skinned palms and bruised knees. Quinn was fairly certain that Rachel could handle the big emergencies, too.

She thought Rachel could handle anything.

When Quinn was five years old, her parents were the king and queen of her albeit small world, but Rachel hung the sun, moon and stars.

Rachel held Quinn's hand as they walked across the street. When they reached the sidewalk, Quinn tightened her hand on Rachel's, afraid that Rachel would let go. But she didn't have to worry-- Rachel held her hand all the way to her front door. The gold star sticker Rachel gave her was still stuck to her other hand, the injury already forgotten.

The next day, when her mother took Quinn by the hand to walk across the street for dinner at the Corcoran-Berry house, Quinn kept her free hand in the kangaroo pocket of her hooded t-shirt, feeling the card she'd made for Rachel earlier that day.

Shelby was still making dinner, and Rachel was helping. Noah was playing videogames and Quinn joined in.

Quinn didn't get a chance to present her homemade card to Rachel until way after dinner, until it was almost time for her to go home. Shelby was in her bedroom, Noah was fixated on a video game and Rachel was singing in her bedroom with the door open. Even at age nine, Rachel was already known as a songbird-- she became a YouTube sensation when she was six years old, after her parents put up a video of her wowing the crowd at a gospel Sunday brunch at the House of Blues during a family vacation to Los Angeles. The emcee asked for participants from the crowd to come up, and Rachel went up, and blew everyone away with a rendition of "Send in the Clowns"-- no one could believe that voice came from such a tiny body. She sounded like an adult with years of training, not a six year old girl whose parents worried wasn't growing as quickly as her peers because she was consistently in the fifth percentile in height and weight, even if her mouth more than made up for it. And no one could believe a little girl who could have no experience of being in love would be able communicate heartache so effectively.

Quinn knocked on the door and waited for Rachel to say come in. She was no fool-- she knew older girls like her sister and Rachel wanted people to wait for a response.

"Hello Quinnie," Rachel said, smiling pleasantly as Quinn hovered, fretfully, in the doorway. She beckoned Quinn inside. "Get in here."

Quinn beamed and practically ran inside. She took a moment to look around Rachel's room-- it was clean and tidy, the walls adorned with Broadway posters. It wasn't her first time in Rachel's room, but every time she was granted entry, she always took her time to look. "I wanted to thank you for taking care of me yesterday," she said shyly, reaching into her pocket to pull out the card that was now slightly rumpled.

Rachel smiled, approached Quinn and hugged her. "Thanks, Quinn," she said, taking the proffered card, unfolding it and then opening it. Gold glitter trickled to the ground, and Quinn heard delicate tinkling, like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree losing a few of its needles.

The card was covered in gold glitter and hand-drawn (and therefore slightly misshapen) yellow stars.

"I love it," Rachel declared, tacking it onto the bulletin board above her desk. "Thank you so much. I'll never take it down, Quinn, I promise."

Quinn nearly burst with pride and she beamed happily. She thought to herself that now, Rachel couldn't help but think about her, if that card was tacked to the bulletin board. And she loved how Rachel said her name.

Later that night, Rachel walked Quinn across the street again.

Quinn, though only five years old, was struck with a sense of melancholia. "What happens when I'm too big for people to hold my hand across the street?" she asked. "Do I get hit by cars?" she asked, her eyes growing wide at the thought. She did not want to get hit by a car crossing the street-- this is why mothers were created. Mothers and Rachel.

Rachel laughed gently. "No. It just means you're growing up. When you get a little older, it just means that when you come to our house, you can cross the street by yourself. But I'll be there to meet you on the other side, and I'll keep you safe. Promise. You're Noah's friend and Noah is my baby brother, which kind of makes you like my sister, so that means I have to take care of you." She put her arm around Quinn's shoulder and hugged her for the briefest moment.

Quinn smiled. "Okay."

\--

The Corcoran-Berry divorce was ugly and contentious, but it was nothing compared to the ensuing custody battle. Allegations and counter-allegations were made which produced several CPS investigations and necessitated a child custody evaluator through the family law court.

In the end, Shelby got primary physical custody, though she did not win the accompanying full legal custody she wanted. Mr. Berry was triumphant and visited Lima from New York at least one weekend every month and Noah and Rachel spent one month every summer vacation, two weeks every winter vacation and several major holidays and three day weekends with their father and his new partner in New York.

"Can you make sure my mom isn't lonely while we're gone?" Noah asked her, each time he and his sister left. He always resented the visits, even though he clearly missed having a dad, but Rachel always seemed to love them.

Quinn always reassured Noah with a promise, and Quinn always watched over Shelby, but she never felt like she could do much. The only difference Quinn noticed with Shelby was that she didn't seem to cook while Noah and Rachel were gone-- she ordered a lot of pizza and food from China King. She thought about going over there to tell Shelby she was lonely without Noah and Rachel, too, but she didn't know if that would help, and anyway, Shelby scared her a little, so she didn't.

\--

They went on that way for years-- nothing really changed except the time, though Noah eventually did become Puck, even if no one seemed to remember that the nickname originated with an older sister's good-natured ribbing that he would make a better hockey puck than hockey player. And of course, Rachel never called him Puck. It was always "Puckie" which mortified him.

Rachel always seemed the same to Quinn. Rachel was sweet, she liked to sing and she talked in long sentences with big words that Quinn didn't always understand but made Quinn want to learn them. Rachel had friends, but not a lot of them and she didn't have as many friends coming to the house as Noah did. Many times, Quinn broke away from the rowdy mess of boys in Noah's room to visit with Rachel who was always reading a book or practicing singing some song.

Rachel posted videos regularly to YouTube and later to MySpace and Facebook, although Quinn wasn't yet allowed to have a MySpace or Facebook account. Quinn watched the YouTube videos religiously and often on repeat, but Quinn loved it best getting a live show. She always accompanied Noah and Shelby to see Rachel's voice and dance recitals-- she cheered just as loudly as they did.

But during Rachel's first year of high school, Quinn watched as her sister zeroed in on Rachel after years of ignoring her. Rachel was a freshman and Taylor was a senior and Quinn watched fretfully as Taylor scooped Rachel up into her orbit. Rachel became a Cheerio and started to become less like Rachel and more like Taylor. Quinn loved her sister, but she only liked Taylor about fifty percent of the time. Quinn liked Rachel one hundred percent of the time and seeing Rachel become like Taylor was a knife through Quinn's tiny, fragile heart.

She had to watch as Rachel trailed after Taylor to Taylor's bedroom, the door closing behind them and effectively shutting her out. Quinn was filled with white hot jealousy-- Taylor ignored Rachel for years, while Quinn had done nothing but adore her, and yet, Taylor was the one that Rachel laughed with, went to the movies with and with whom she clearly shared secrets. She had to watch as Taylor linked arms with Rachel as they walked while Quinn couldn't even get a chance to _talk_ to her, because Taylor was hogging all of Rachel's attention. She barely even got hellos from Rachel during that year because Taylor was always yanking her just out of Quinn's reach.

And though Quinn crossed the street by herself, Rachel was never there to meet her anymore. It wasn't that Quinn necessarily needed Rachel to do so, but she'd come to depend on her.

And to make things even more difficult, Rachel was forced to stop posting videos to YouTube and other social networking sites. She'd been a YouTube sensation since she was six years old, but as she got older, people started to post sexually-charged comments to her videos. There was even a website with a countdown to her 18th birthday when she'd become "legal" which infuriated Rachel's parents, who were understandably outraged their barely pubescent daughter was getting comments like "take off your top" and put a stop to her video posting even though they'd started it.

Quinn didn't see much of Rachel during Rachel's first year of high school, despite the fact she practically lived at the Corcoran-Berry house to catch a glimpse.

It was mean of her, but when Taylor went off to college, Quinn breathed a sigh of relief as Rachel seemed to go back to normal. She forgave Rachel for the way the brunette would ignore her and for the way Rachel seemed to forget the promise she made-- 'I'll be there to meet you on the other side.'

She knew from overhearing conversations at the Corcoran-Berry house that Rachel was doing well in high school-- she joined the glee club and was turning it into something popular rather than embarrassing, a feat for which she was very proud of herself; though she readily conceded it was more due to the residual respect she had from the student body as Taylor Fabray's friend. Quinn loved that she had so many opportunities to see Rachel sing live by going to all of Rachel's glee performances-- she was frequently a featured soloist. Quinn found herself cranky and petulant if Rachel did not get a solo. She was popular as a freshman by proxy because of Taylor, but once Taylor left, Rachel's own popularity took a hit as everyone remembered Rachel was verbose and a little strange. But her popularity was also salvaged by the fact she was still on the Cheerios, though she complained about it and the glee club did well at competitions.

She'd only joined the Cheerios at Taylor's urging, and since Taylor was in college now, she wanted to quit, but apparently, she couldn't-- something about Sue Sylvester having a stranglehold on her or whatever. Rachel was good-natured about it. "Stay away from Sue Sylvester when you get to be my age, kiddo," Rachel said. "You're Tay's sister, so you're already in her crosshairs. Being on the Cheerios is like being in a gang, you have to either die or get jumped out." She paused. "Or displease Sylvester in some way, she's capricious and whimsical, you know."

Quinn just smiled and nodded like she understood.

She really didn't need someone to be there on the other side of the street anymore, but it was a relief when Quinn left her house to go across the street to Noah's, and once again started to see Rachel smiling at her from the other end. It felt like coming home.

 

 

\--

During Rachel's junior year of high school, she started dating some sweet giant called Finn Hudson. He was well liked in the town and he was good- natured. But he just seemed so _ordinary_ \-- the only thing extraordinary about him was his height, otherwise, everything else about him was just _medium_. Medium brown hair, medium cute, medium talented, medium athletic, medium smart. Well, sometimes Quinn thought he was way below medium smart, but she didn't want to think Rachel would date someone as dumb as a rock, because that would diminish her opinion of Rachel. Quinn just didn't see the appeal of the guy.

Rachel was tiny, and she had medium brown hair as well. She was probably medium in a lot of ways, too, but if one put _her_ mediums together, she wasn't medium anything. She was extraordinary. And anyway, Rachel was beautiful, talented and smart-- Quinn's father's approval was saved for very few, but Rachel possessed it. Quinn's father thought Finn Hudson was dumb as a rock and regularly asked Shelby if Rachel had finally broken up with the doofus.

"It's just a shame she wants to be an actress," Russell Fabray commented once, when the topic of the Corcoran-Berry family came up at the dinner table. "Such a smart girl."

Rachel had been talking about being a star since she was four years old-- she was all about singing, dancing and performing, and she had her mother and father's full support in that. But Rachel's father's partner, LeRoy, while supportive, felt like Rachel should have a back-up plan, just in case. Rachel valued his opinion, and so she excelled in school and since LeRoy was some sort of well-respected scientist, Rachel pushed herself especially hard in math and sciences, even though it was clear to everyone that she was really just a drama geek. She excelled in maths and sciences, but it was obvious to Quinn that even if Rachel won all kinds of prestigious science competitions like a bona fide _dork_ , Rachel's first love was the stage.

It was because of this that Quinn thought Finn Hudson was all wrong for Rachel. Quinn was thirteen years old when she watched Rachel get into Finn's truck and the two drive away to the airport so Rachel could go to college. Finn just seemed so small town, and he wasn't supportive of Rachel moving to New York or LA to further her career. He was following because they were in love and engaged, but he was leaving reluctantly. He wanted the two of them to stay in Lima and just have his parents' lives-- Quinn knew because she tended to eavesdrop on Rachel's conversations when she visited Noah. Quinn just couldn't see Rachel being happy in Finn's vision of the future, and didn't get why Finn didn't seem to understand something so basic about his girlfriend.

When Finn proposed to Rachel during their senior year, it temporarily quashed a long enmity between Rachel's parents as they now had a more threatening common enemy in Finn Hudson, whom they were sure would ruin their daughter's extremely bright future. They were especially furious because she was only seventeen years old and teenage marriages were not known for their longevity.

The fierce double-team efforts only served to alienate Rachel-- she moved to New York after graduating high school, taking Finn with her because she was determined to prove everyone wrong. For a while, Rachel's parents thought they'd won-- even if Finn went with her, at least she'd gone to NYADA instead of staying in Lima-- they thought it was only a matter of time before Rachel dropped him and he came back to Lima like a sad puppy.

But when Rachel came home for Winter Break during her freshman year of college, she came back with a wedding band on her finger-- she and Finn had eloped on Rachel's 18th birthday. She was so blinded by love, she kept talking about how fortuitous it was that they'd married on her 'golden birthday.'

Quinn thought that was ridiculous-- her birthday was the 8th of April, and for her eighth birthday, she'd gotten a dog. That was a pretty cool present for her golden birthday, but even then she didn’t think it was particularly portentous of anything except cleaning up dog poop.

Rachel's parents were _furious_ , certain Rachel and Finn had planned that all along-- that they'd just been laying low to wait for Rachel to turn eighteen because they knew no one would approve if they talked openly of their plans. Rachel's parents were especially furious because her mother had always wanted to help plan her wedding and her father had always dreamed of walking her down the aisle and having the father-daughter dance.

Noah tried to be accepting, which led to the most hilarious thing Quinn ever witnessed involving Noah.

Noah, the wannabe bad ass who referred to himself as the Pucksaurus, stammered out "t-take good care of her, man!" to Finn as Rachel and Finn were leaving for the train station to go back to New York. Noah was fourteen and his voice chose that moment to stammer, waver and _crack_.

Finn peeked out from the driver's side of the rental car and smirked in amusement. He looked so cocky, Quinn wanted to punch him in the face, though when she reflected on this in later years, perhaps he'd just been a happy newlywed. Rachel waved her hand out of the passenger side window, stuck her head out and blew a kiss.

"I love all of you!" she called out, blowing another kiss. She was smiling from ear to ear, and she looked radiant.

Quinn's mind's eye snapped a picture-- Rachel looked so perfect in that moment.

She hoped Finn appreciated what he had.

She was happy that Rachel was happy, but her heart sank a little, too. She knew Rachel was out of reach for her, but now it was official, and that honestly hurt.

Rachel kept her hand waving outside the window until the car disappeared around the corner.

Rachel's mother cried the entire time.

"Don't worry," Carole Hudson, Finn's mom assured her. "They'll take good care of each other."

Quinn could practically read Shelby's mind, basically that Rachel would definitely take care of Finn, but it would yet to be seen if Finn would take care of Rachel.

\--

Quinn was still in high school when Rachel earned a starring role on Broadway. It was a new play and Rachel had workshopped it for two years while she was a student at NYADA before it became a Broadway hit.

Rachel was twenty one years old and hadn't been out of school for a year when she was nominated for a Tony and later won.

Quinn watched the Tony Awards and smiled so hard that her face hurt afterward.

She was so proud.

Next to her, Noah was clapping and hollering like he'd won a Heisman award or something-- they'd settled into a comfortable, but unspecified _thing_ by then. Neither of them were _in_ love with each other, but they both loved one another and so they enjoyed the benefits of being boyfriend and girlfriend without ever agreeing to the titles. Their separation would be easy-- he was going to UCLA on a football scholarship in the Fall, and she would head to Yale for the Drama Department. They'd stay friends, of course, but they could both move on to other people without any guilt after graduation.

Still, they presented one another as boyfriend and girlfriend to their respective families, so when Rachel gave her acceptance speech, she ended it by saying, "and now maybe my mother will let my baby brother visit me here. Don't worry about getting lost, Noah. I know you'll be worried about which direction to go when you get off the subway, but I'll be there to meet you and Quinn on the other side." Then Rachel winked and laughed.

Noah was embarrassed that he was referred to as 'my baby brother,' because by then Noah outsized Rachel by about a foot and at least sixty pounds, depending on the season, since Noah played football, basketball _and_ wrestled. Sometimes, Rachel corrected this by referring to Noah as "my massive little brother." But Quinn was elated-- even though Rachel just assumed that she and Noah were a couple and she was mentioned more as an afterthought, she was still mentioned _by name_ in Rachel's acceptance speech.

She couldn't help it, when Rachel said her name, Quinn screamed.

\--

Right after Rachel's Tony win, Quinn did accompany Noah to New York. They had a short visit with his father and his partner, LeRoy-- it'd been a while since Noah visited. Once he got old enough to refuse, he stopped visiting-- he was still so angry with his father for leaving their mother, but Rachel begged him to drop in on their father, and Noah obliged. Quinn felt bad for Noah's father and stepfather-- they both seemed so eager and earnest to please him, but Noah was just fixated on getting the visit over with as soon as possible so he could see his sister.

Then they visited Rachel and Finn.

Finn was always unemployed or underemployed as a construction worker, so Rachel was the primary breadwinner and the source of income behind their modest two bedroom apartment. The second bedroom was a guest bedroom, but Finn was apparently pushing to convert it into a nursery soon.

Noah shuddered at the thought. "My sister's life will be _over_ if she pops out that douche pickle's kid."

His mother's influence was all over him-- Noah liked Finn once but now Noah took every opportunity he could to badmouth Finn.

Quinn shuddered, too, but for different reasons.

As promised, the moment they were off the subway, Rachel was there to meet them, fresh from a rehearsal for her newest play.

Rachel smiled so hard, she practically glowed and Quinn felt the ache of longing for something she could not have.

Rachel shrieked when she caught sight of them and threw herself in Noah's arms. "My little baby brother!"

Noah made a grunt of disapproval, but otherwise he just hugged her hard, picking her up so only the tips of her toes touched the ground. The sibling reunion was sweet and Quinn just gazed on with a soft smile.

When they separated, Rachel turned toward Quinn and beamed. "Quinn Fabray," Rachel drawled with a blindingly white smile. "It's so good to see you."

Quinn had many things to blurt-- you look beautiful, it feels so good to see you too, I think I'm in love with you and oh my God! I've missed you. But all she could manage was:

"Hi."

Rachel grinned and yanked on Quinn's arm. "Get over here, girlfriend," she said, pulling Quinn toward her.

Quinn was at least six inches taller, but when Rachel put her arms around her, she felt so enveloped and protected, like she did when she was five and Rachel held her hand while they crossed the street. She buried her face into Rachel's hair.

"Congratulations on Yale," Rachel murmured in her ear. "Noah told me all about it. Just don't become my rival when you move here after you graduate. I will cut you."

Quinn laughed softly. "I'll keep that in mind."

She didn't think she would ever rival Rachel. She just didn't see herself in the same classification-- she'd thought of Rachel as a star for so long, she didn't think they were even in the same league, because Quinn thought of herself as very much earth-bound.

She felt Rachel start to move away and she could not resist holding on for an extra beat before reluctantly letting Rachel go, Rachel's attention already back to her brother. Later, when they got back to Rachel and Finn's apartment, Rachel introduced Quinn as "you remember little Quinn, right? Noah's girlfriend. Tay's little sister."

Even now, when they were both adults and Quinn was actually bigger than Rachel, Rachel still thought of Quinn as her brother's little friend and Taylor's little sister. It kind of stung, especially when Quinn knew Rachel and Taylor were no longer on speaking terms ever since Rachel married Finn. Taylor had been _furious_ and screamed "you just ruined your fucking life, you goddamn moron," and well, Rachel always seemed to choose Finn over everyone else. As Quinn's friend, Santana put it, 'there better be rainbows coming out of his dick to make all of that worth it.'

Finn seemed perfectly nice, even if Noah hated him for 'mooching off' Rachel. He just didn't seem right for her.

\--  



	2. Chapter 2

Rachel's rehearsal ran late one night-- Quinn, Noah and Finn were waiting for her to come home and finally gave up. Quinn and Noah went out to dinner, alone-- Finn declining the invitation.

By the time Quinn and Noah got back to the apartment, there was a full-fledged argument-- Finn shouting and Rachel crying and shouting back. Noah moved toward the bedroom, his features set in grim anger, but Quinn grabbed his arm.

"Don't," Quinn warned. "She'll just get mad at you."

He frowned at her. "He's yelling at my sister."

"We should just leave and come back."

Quinn didn't want to leave, but she was aware enough that getting involved probably wouldn't bode well for them.

They were about to leave, when they heard Rachel scream in alarm and then something heavy slam and shatter against the wall. The sound of Rachel bursting into tears followed.

This time, Quinn didn't even try to stop Noah as he practically flew toward the bedroom. He was in Puck mode-- primed for a fight. His fury came off him in waves and even though he'd never even raised his voice to her after they were ten years old, she found herself afraid of him. She'd seen him in fights at school before and he was scary when he was that angry. She really couldn't even call him angry, he was _enraged_. During school fights, he was just blowing off steam. But now this was his _sister_.

All Quinn heard was Noah scream "I'll _kill_ you" and Rachel shouting. Quinn ran into the bedroom and found Noah and Finn grappling with one another on the floor. Rachel tried to separate them, pulling on Noah.

"Noah, please! Please! You'll kill him!"

"I'll kill you!" Noah shouted at Finn.

Rachel managed to wiggle her way between them. Quinn immediately insinuated herself in front of Rachel, alarmed that Rachel got herself into the middle. Noah raised his fist, but once he saw Rachel and Quinn, he immediately brought his hand to his side.

"Fuck!" Noah screamed, punching his fist on the floor and standing up. "Fuck," he shouted again, kicking futilely at the air.

"You prick," Finn said, spitting on the ground. He launched himself at Noah and managed to get a punch in before Rachel threw her hands on Finn's back, grabbing the material of his shirt and yanking him back

"How dare you hit my brother?!" Rachel screamed. "How dare you! Don't you ever touch him, do you understand me, Finn Hudson? Don't you _ever_ lay a hand on my brother again! Don't you ever!"

Finn turned around, his face trembled. "I'm sorry," he whispered, as he fell to his knees and wrapped his arms around Rachel's waist, pressing his head into her belly. "I'm so sorry."

All the anger seemed to drain from Rachel's body.

"Don't you ever hit my brother again," Rachel said quietly. "I don't care what he does to you, if you ever lay a hand on my brother like that again, you're going to regret it. I'll make you regret it."

Quinn glanced at the floor for the first time and gasped when she saw that Rachel's Tony Award was on the ground, shattered-- Finn must have thrown it.

"I'm sorry about your Tony," Finn muttered. "I-- I'll buy you a new one."

Quinn suppressed the urge to roll her eyes-- that was the thing about Finn. He was a nice enough guy, but he just totally missed the point. The Tony wasn't something one could buy, it was earned.

"You don't buy a Tony Award, you stupid motherfucker!" Noah screamed, lunging at Finn again. He relented when Rachel gently pushed him back, but it was clear Noah was still enraged. "My sister worked hard for it! What did you do while she worked for it besides sitting on your fat, doughy ass and scratching your man boobs?!"

Rachel turned and gave him a harshly silencing glare.

Noah's face fell and Quinn gently put her hand on the back of his neck and rubbed because she knew that soothed him. She couldn't stand the kicked puppy expression on his face because Rachel had chosen Finn over him.

"I don't care about that," Rachel told Finn tenderly. "I care about you. I'm sorry I was late tonight and made you worry."

Quinn wanted to scream.

Noah must have felt the same way, because he became riled up again.

"You're apologizing to him?! You're fucking apologizing to him!? He broke your Tony Award! You've been talking about winning one for as long as I can remember and you're fucking apologizing to him?!" he screamed.

"Noah, _please_ ," Rachel said quietly.

"I'm telling Mom!" Noah shouted, sounding more like he was eight years old than eighteen.

"Come on," Rachel said, approaching Noah and taking his arm. "You need to calm down."

Noah snorted like a bull, but allowed himself to be gently pulled. Rachel reached for Quinn's hand. "Come on, guys. I know you've had dinner already, but have you had dessert? I know a great place."

Quinn led herself be swept up into Rachel's orbit.

\--

By the time they got outside, Noah was calmer, but still furious. He was so angry, he was on the verge of tears. Quinn had only seen him like that the day Mr. Berry left home. Quinn had been playing outside when Mr. Berry packed his car while Shelby shouted at him and Rachel stood quietly off to the side with her arms around Noah. Noah had been sobbing because he'd been so young, but Rachel was grimly stoic.

Once they left Rachel and Finn's apartment, the three went into a little late night bakery where Rachel treated them to cupcakes and lattes.

Ever the little boy in a big man's body, Noah crammed cupcake after cupcake in his mouth while Rachel and Quinn took time with just one.

"I'm going to kill him, Rach," Noah said with his mouth full.

"You'll do no such thing, Puckie," Rachel said tenderly, "Every married couple has its problems. Tonight was a skirmish, nothing more."

Noah's eyes were narrowed. "Has he ever put his fucking hands on you? I will kill him. I will--"

"Puckie," Rachel murmured. "He's my husband. "

"I'm telling Mom. And Dad. You know Dad and LeRoy will be down here in, like, twenty minutes."

"Dad and Poppa LeRoy are very fond of Finn now. You would be, too, if you would just give him a chance like Dad and Poppa have."

Noah clenched his fist. "Why haven't you answered my question? Did that fat bastard ever put his hands on you?"

"Noah, that's none of your business."

"So he did! I'll fucking kill him!"

"No, it's just none of your business."

"Fucking answer me, Rachel!"

"Noah," Rachel said firmly. "He's never laid a hand on me. I'm only telling you for your own peace of mind, but you have no right to know. Now, lower your voice and show a little restraint, we are in public after all and I will not have my baby brother appearing as some mannerless oaf. That may fly in Lima with the yokels, but I won't allow it here. "

"Sorry, Rachel," Noah muttered sulkily. The only two people in the entire world who could speak to him like that were his mother and sister.

Quinn breathed a sigh of relief. She had no idea what she would do if there'd been a different answer to the question of Finn ever being violent with Rachel.

"He broke your award though," Noah said quietly, once again sounding very much like a little boy who felt like he had to step up to be the man of the house despite being the youngest.

Shelby never dated until after Noah turned eighteen, not wanting her attention to be divided. But once she did, Noah's protective streak came out in full force because he'd never been able to exercise that with Rachel before she married Finn.

"It's okay," Rachel said with a sigh. "It doesn't really mean anything."

"But you've been talking about winning one as long as I can remember, and you did. He _broke_ it, Rach."

"Puckie, some things are just more important. Mark my words, I'm going to win plenty of other Tony awards, and while we're at it, a few Emmy, Oscar and Grammy awards, too. But there's only one Finn."

"He's not good enough for you, Rach. Why can't you see that?"

Rachel didn't respond to that, which made Quinn believe that maybe she knew and just couldn't face up to it.

\--  
Noah did end up keeping the incident from his mother, father and stepfather, all of whom would have understandably flipped their lids. But he did so grudgingly.

"If he ever lays a hand on you, I'll kill him and you won't be able to stop me," Noah warned Rachel before he and Quinn flew back to Lima for the rest of the summer.

Quinn thought that was the wrong way to approach it, because she was certain that Rachel would never confide in him now if something did happen.

At the end of the summer, she went to Yale and Noah went to UCLA. She hoped he wouldn't flunk out-- Noah always did fairly well in school even if he didn't care about it at all because she and his mother and sister nagged him. In college, that would be much more difficult to do.

\--  
  
When Quinn started Yale that Fall, it was comforting to know that Rachel was only a train ride away.

Quinn was _thrilled_ , bordering on _ecstatic_ to leave Lima, but it was still scary. Rachel just seemed so settled in New York, so grown up and glamorous, even though she was only four years older than Quinn. New Haven was smaller and less intimidating than New York, and Quinn just thought if Rachel could be so happy and comfortable in New York, then maybe New Haven wouldn't be so daunting. And anyway, Rachel made her promise to visit regularly and pinky swear to call if she needed _anything_.

\--

She started to visit Rachel at least once a month, but generally every other weekend under the premise that New York City was more fun than New Haven. New York City was, in fact, more fun than New Haven, but that was not the primary incentive to visit so frequently.

Santana cracked jokes like "so, if you've had one Corcoran-Berry, you've had them all?' but it wasn't about replacing Noah with Rachel or Rachel with Noah. Noah was her best friend, but Rachel had been an obsession for as long as Quinn could remember. She needed them both, just in different ways. And anyway, the last person she would tell about her crush on Rachel was Santana-- Santana wasn't judgmental at all, so there was no way she'd harp on the fact Rachel was Noah's older sister or that she was a girl. Her sexuality had always been murky and undefined, and so she, Santana and Noah had some casual liaisons with one another back in high school before Santana and Brittany became committed. Santana was basically the most accepting person Quinn knew, even if she was a total callous bitch. But Santana was definitely a gossipy loudmouth. Sometimes, Quinn was sure that Santana knew that she liked Rachel anyway-- the girl just seemed to collect secrets like the KGB, but her friend never brought it up.

Rachel never talked about Finn when they hung out much to Quinn's relief-- it was just the two of them, exactly the way Quinn wanted. The only time Quinn really had to deal with Finn at all was when he was in the apartment and even then he mostly ignored her unless Rachel forced them to converse. The spare bedroom at Rachel's practically became Quinn's bedroom and she even left clothing and toiletries there. It got to a point where Rachel and Quinn joked about decorating it to Quinn's liking.

Rachel didn't talk to her like she was a little kid. Rachel talked to her like they were _peers_ and for Quinn, it felt amazing. Rachel still called her "kiddo," but that was different from treating her like a kid and Quinn hoped that Rachel was finally seeing her as she was, not how Rachel remembered.

Santana and Brittany came to visit her from LA over Spring Break but Quinn misread the flyer, and her dorm closed down. This resulted in a train ride into the city so the three of them could cram into Rachel's spare bedroom.

"Are you dyslexic, Fabray?" Santana jeered the entire ride.

Quinn bore it silently because she felt idiotic, but she hoped Santana would shut the fuck up about it once they got to Rachel's, because she was embarrassed enough as it was. She didn't want to look stupid in front of Rachel.

\--

Rachel greeted all three of them warmly, with hugs. She was a hugger. Quinn was not a hugger, unless it suited her and when it came to Rachel, it suited her very much.

Rachel knew Santana and Brittany vaguely. Brittany's brother was in Taylor Fabray's graduating class and Brittany's sister in the graduating class behind that. Since Rachel spent her freshman year of high school in Taylor's orbit, she knew all of the Pierce siblings socially, and Santana and Brittany had been inseparable ever since the daycare at the First Methodist Church on 2nd Street, so Rachel knew Santana through the Pierces.

Santana returned the hug, squeezing close to Rachel and grinning lasciviously at Quinn over Rachel's shoulder.

Quinn rolled her eyes. As devoted as Santana was to Brittany-- whipped, really, she was like a leering dog any time a pretty girl or a cute boy walked by.

Brittany hugged Rachel so hard, they nearly toppled over. Brittany picked Rachel up off the ground and swung her around in a 360 degree circle, laughing happily.

When the pulled apart, Rachel was wheezing from laughing so hard. Quinn just loved the way Rachel looked when she laughed. There was no other way to describe it other than 'adorable.' Even though Rachel was this big Broadway star, who'd already won a Tony by the time she was 21 and could move an audience to tears with that painfully expressive face, she was just so goddamn _cute_ and Quinn could not get over it.

\--

Quinn was disgusted by the open displays of affection by Finn and Rachel, but she supposed there was nothing to be done. They were married, after all.

"You look like you wanted to rip his liver out with your teeth," Santana teased when McKinley High's Unholy Trio were safely ensconced in Rachel Berry's spare bedroom.

"Shut up," Quinn said, blushing darkly. She was sure now that she was caught.

"She's so cute," Brittany gushed. "And she smells like sugar cookies." She smiled dreamily. "Do you think she tastes like frosting?"

"Don't bite her, Brit," Santana cautioned.

Quinn chuckled. "She kissed me once, you know."

"You're so lucky!" Brittany squealed. "Did she taste like buttercream?"

Santana and Quinn shared a glance. Sometimes, it was hard to tell when Brittany was just putting on an act and when she was serious. That question could either be truly guileless, or it could be totally vulgar. With Brittany, it could go either way.

"When? When did Rachel Berry kiss you?" Santana challenged.

"I was five and she was nine," Quinn said with an easy grin. "She kissed me on the hand and on the knee because Puck kicked me and I fell over." She laughed. "Sorry, B. I don't know if she tastes like frosting."

Brittany pouted. "How will I ever know now?" She brightened. "Could I kiss her, San?"

"No, Brit," Santana said drolly.

Brittany's pout deepened and Santana laughed and moved in to kiss Brittany quickly.

"She kisses Finn and if you kissed Rachel, it would be like you kissing Finn and that's just too gross," Santana explained with a grin. "I don't want my girl kissing some overgrown weirdo. Seriously, that dude is like Guinness Book of World Records tall. And Rachel is a midget. They must have the most awkward sex ever."

Brittany seemed to accept this, but Quinn was disgusted at the thought of Rachel and Finn and their sex life that Quinn was now certain was logistically awkward.

"But if Berry were single, we'd be all up in that, Brits," Santana said.

Quinn made a face at the mere thought of it, which Santana caught. Santana raised a curious eyebrow, but Quinn just stared back at her impassively.

\--

The Spring Break was one of the best times of Quinn's life and not because Rachel paid for _everything_ from meals to Broadway show tickets or because Rachel acted like a fussy older sister by slipping them spending money while she walked out the door on her way to rehearsal (while her loaf husband was still in bed).

Although that was certainly a perk for _Santana_ , whose life's philosophy was 'if it's free, I'll take three.' She also loved the opportunity to network with Rachel. Santana had aspirations as an actor and singer as well, although she was eyeing TV and films, not the stage. Still, Rachel was already an established Broadway actress with one Tony under her belt and several other Tony nominations. Quinn knew Santana loved the opportunity to make a connection that could be helpful further down the line.

No, for Quinn, she loved that Spring Break because she got to spend so much time with Rachel, even if Finn was usually there, hovering in the background.

\--

For the next few years of college, Rachel was her rock. Quinn never felt like college was a time of upheaval because Rachel was around to keep her steady.

"I'm only a train ride away," Rachel would remind her. "And I'll be there to meet you on the other side when you get here," she'd add sweetly.

\--

After graduation, Quinn headed for New York City rather than LA, even though she knew that she was more suited for film and TV than the stage. Rachel seemed born for the stage-- her voice filled a theatre and could move people to tears.

Quinn knew she didn't have the voice to make it as a Broadway diva, but being friends with Rachel made her at least want to do as much as possible. Rachel was at home on Broadway-- it was her first love, but she was looking to branch out to TV or film, if the project suited her. So, really, New York seemed like the best place for both of them.

One day, they were headed back to Rachel's apartment for a celebratory meal after they both got parts in the same play. Rachel was the lead, of course, while Quinn wasn't even part of the principle cast. But they were both elated because it was Quinn's first Broadway part. She was only background vocals, but she thought maybe that was a good thing and she was totally going to give that vocal coach that Rachel swore by a call.

Something felt off the second they fumbled, giggling, into Rachel's apartment. When Quinn would think about it later, she would decide the air was corroded with something skanky.

\--

They heard noises from the bedroom and even though Quinn knew better, she followed Rachel anyway.

There was Finn Hudson in bed with some Midwestern-looking blond fatty.

Quinn could only stare because she couldn't believe that Finn, the guy she thought for years had married up, would cheat on Rachel with that girl. It wasn't that the hussy was unpretty-- she was actually quite pretty despite being twice as wide as Rachel.

It was just that Quinn thought a person was supposed to cheat _up_ not down. But she couldn't imagine anyone being a step up from Rachel.

"I…I thought you were going to Quinn's to celebrate," Finn stammered stupidly.

Rachel looked like she was going to cry. She swallowed hard. "We have that bottle of champagne in the refrigerator, remember?" she said quietly. "I was going to grab it." Rachel bit her lip and tucked her hand into Quinn's. Rachel's hand felt so small but she suddenly looked so much older, like she'd aged 10 years in 10 seconds.

"Rach--"

"Shut up, Finn," Rachel said softly.

He fell silent and they just stared at one another for a long time in the most excruciatingly awkward two minutes of Quinn's life.

"Okay," Rachel said finally, her voice very quiet, as she nodded toward the two pasty, pudgy naked people in her bed who were trying to cover their modesty. "I'm going to go."

"Rachel, wait," Finn called out desperately, starting to get out of the bed.

"Sorry to have interrupted," Rachel said softly. "I know you're problematic in that area."

Finn flushed and sat back on the bed, clearly more embarrassed about the insinuation that he had sexual problems than ashamed he'd just been found out as an adulterer.

"I'm sorry," the Midwestern blonde in the bed called out. "I didn't know he was married."

"It's not your fault," Rachel said.

Quinn turned back to stare balefully at the two adulterers. They at least had the decency to look ashamed. But really, she thought the girl was lying-- a guy like Finn would never decorate the bedroom or the apartment for that matter the way it was. It screamed a woman's touch.

\--

Quinn had never seen Rachel as anything but cheerful and magnanimous. Even if that was a front for some darker disposition, Rachel had never let it slip, so seeing her so in a mood so dark with her anger just barely simmering under the surface was a little frightening.

Quinn wanted to say "that fucking bastard" and unleash a vituperative diatribe against Finn Hudson, but she kept it to herself because she knew that wasn't what Rachel needed or wanted to hear at the moment. It seemed like Rachel just needed someone to be silent whilst keeping her company and there was no way Quinn was going to leave her _alone_ in that condition.

They sat at a table in the bar of some non-descript restaurant, Rachel quietly nursing a beer that was becoming lukewarm and Quinn keeping pace, though she was anxious to just down the beer for the sake of calming her nerves. She wasn't planning to get drunk-- she was certain Rachel would be plastered by the end of the night, so she wanted to stay sober. But Rachel was just so _still_ \-- so unusual for her, and Quinn needed _something_ to keep from crawling out of her skin.

Two hours with the same glass of barely touched beer and Rachel raised her glass to her lips to take another sip. Quinn couldn't remember when Rachel last touched it to drink. Rachel had traced her index finger in the condensation on the side of the glass and made little circles in it, but otherwise, hadn't touched it in a long time.

Rachel made a face as the room-temperature liquid touched her lips and raised a hand to catch the attention of a waitress who made her way over.

Quinn could tell the waitress was impatient with them for not ordering anything else but two beers two hours ago.

Rachel held up her mostly full glass of beer. "Could we get two shots of tequila and a pitcher of margaritas, on ice with salt?" she asked politely.

"Sure."

Rachel set the glass down on the table and gave Quinn a small smile. "I'm sorry, we should be celebrating you getting your first part on Broadway. I didn't mean to turn this night into being about me. I'm sorry if I came across as being selfish. I would never want to diminish your accomplishment in any way."

Quinn swallowed hard. She'd actually completely forgotten about the reason they were together when they walked into Rachel's apartment, but she never once thought Rachel was selfish. "You didn't," she said quietly. "You aren't selfish," she said softly. She didn't think Rachel was more selfish than any other person. She bit her lip, wondering how she should broach this. "Are you okay?" she asked, her voice trembling a bit. She didn't know why she was so shaken up by this, but she just felt so awful seeing Rachel so hurt.

"I'm okay, Quinn," Rachel said with small smile. But she looked so _sad_.

Quinn wanted to kill Finn Hudson.

"I'm just thinking about…how unhappy he must have been," Rachel said quietly.

"What are you talking about?" Quinn barked, outraged.

Rachel frowned at her. "Shhh."

Quinn felt her ire rise at being _shushed_. "Rachel," she hissed quietly. "That fat ass cheated on you!"

"Don't call him that," Rachel chided.

Quinn groaned. "Rachel, how can you defend him?"

"I love him," Rachel said quietly. "I've loved him since I was 15. He's my _husband_."

"Rachel…" Quinn trailed off because she didn't get it at all. She didn't get how Rachel who was the McKinley High School class valedictorian, and the apple of her eye, could be so _dumb_. Quinn sighed, because she knew calling Rachel 'stupid' would be counterproductive. "If you were my girl, I would never cheat on you," she said sincerely.

She meant it.

Rachel's expression softened and she smiled at Quinn. "Oh, Quinn," she murmured. "You're so sweet." She palmed Quinn's cheek and peered deeply into the blonde's eyes. "I know you wouldn't. You're such a wonderful girl."

Quinn's face lit up. Her pulse quickened and her heart pounded in her chest. Her breaths came quickly. Hope soared in her chest. "Rachel…"

And then Rachel pinched her cheek. Like Quinn was some kid.

"You're a sweet kid," Rachel murmured.

Quinn would have preferred it if Rachel had just hit her.

But Quinn loved Rachel more than she loved herself, so she put on a brave face and smiled reassuringly at Rachel and just listened to Rachel reflect on her relationship and marriage with Finn. And then she ensured Rachel drank enough water and consumed enough food while the brunette got drunk. And once Rachel was sufficiently blotto, Quinn took Rachel back to her apartment, rather than Rachel's, knowing that even if Rachel forgave Finn, her friend would be unlikely to want to sleep in her own bed that particular night.

She stayed with Rachel, rubbing her back and pulling her hair into a ponytail while Rachel vomited violently into the toilet. Quinn gave up her own bed so Rachel could sleep comfortably and slept on her sofa. She didn't mind getting up in the middle of the night when Rachel threw up again-- in the bed. She just gently pulled Rachel into the bathroom and excused herself for a few minutes to change the sheets and get Rachel a bottle of water. The next morning, she didn't mention anything when she cooked Rachel a vegan breakfast to help her get over her hangover. She didn't protest when Rachel left to go back to Finn-- she just quietly accepted Rachel's thanks and kissed Rachel on the cheek goodbye. She said nothing when it became clear that Rachel didn't remember anything of the night before-- including throwing up in Quinn's bed.

"Thanks, Quinn," Rachel said sincerely, peering up into Quinn's eyes. She leaned up on her tiptoes to kiss Quinn on the cheek. "You're my best friend, you know that?" she asked softly.

"Sure," Quinn murmured.

"And don't think I forgot we were supposed to celebrate _you_ last night," Rachel said. "I still owe you a night out and I promise I'm going to give it to you. It's just…maybe not tonight, okay? But soon. I'll call you."

"Okay, Rachel," Quinn said quietly.

"Did I do anything embarrassing last night?" Rachel asked innocently.

Quinn smiled. "You were just drunk. Nothing major."

"Good," Rachel said, relieved. She smiled. "I'll see you later, kiddo," she said fondly.

"Bye, Rachel," Quinn said, her voice faint.

Rachel gave one final wave, turned and walked away.

Quinn shut the door. She swallowed hard as she thought about what Rachel called her.

 _Kiddo_.

She knew Rachel was married and her entire life basically revolved around Finn. Quinn knew Rachel was unattainable and that Rachel always thought of her as Noah's little girlfriend or whatever.

But having Rachel call her 'kiddo,' basically took away any hope she had that Rachel would ever see her as anything other than some _kid_. It felt terrible to feel so much for someone for so long and know that there was no way anything could ever happen, that Rachel didn't even take her seriously as an _adult_.

It _hurt_.

\--

A couple nights later, Rachel did, indeed, take Quinn out to celebrate and it was one of the best nights of Quinn's life. The topic of Finn was verboten, for which Quinn was glad, because for at least one night, it was just her and Rachel, celebrating hard work and good luck finally colliding.

At the end of their night together, Rachel walked Quinn home.

Quinn invited Rachel in, but Rachel politely declined.

"I have something for you though," Rachel murmured, reaching into her purse and taking out a thin box. She passed it to Quinn.

"What is it?" Quinn asked.

Rachel rolled her eyes affectionately. "Open it, Quinn."

Quinn opened the packaging carefully. She'd always admired the way Rachel wrapped gifts. For as long as she could remember, every present she ever received from Noah between the ages of 5-13 had been meticulously wrapped. Once Rachel left, Noah's presents always came in gift bags without tissue paper.

Quinn opened the box and found a thin silver necklace with a medal of some saint she did not recognize.

"Saint Genesius," Rachel informed. She smiled. "The patron saint of actors." She tilted her head to the left and peered up at Quinn, her smile deepening.

Quinn's heartbeat quickened. She really loved when Rachel smiled like that, all cute and crooked.

"I'm not Catholic," Quinn said softly, wincing at how stupid and ungrateful she sounded.

Rachel laughed gently. "I know. You truly are the embodiment of a WASP."

"Hey," Quinn refuted, pouting.

"But we actors are a superstitious group, even if you aren't Catholic. My maternal grandfather was Catholic, you know, so I've had a Saint Genesius medal since I was five. I hope you'll consider wearing it." Rachel smiled. "You know I'll watch out for you while we do this show, but what about after this show closes? We're not going to be able to do _every_ show together, and this way, I'll know Saint Genesius will watch over you when I can't."

Quinn swallowed the lump in her throat. "Put it on me," she asked softly.

Rachel smiled and then obliged. She looked at it admiringly. "It looks great on you."

Quinn smiled back. "Thank you," said sincerely. "Thank you so much."

"Of course, girlfriend," Rachel said teasingly. "We have to watch out for each other, right?"

Quinn smiled. "Right."

\--

Over the next few weeks, Quinn watched as Rachel flashed smiles that didn't quite reach her eyes and laughed laughs that were hollow. She was professional, as always, and _beloved_ at rehearsal, but Quinn had known Rachel for as long as she could remember, and she knew Rachel was distraught.

Rachel refused to talk about it, which made Quinn feel awful because she realized their friendship simply wasn't reciprocal, and she'd once believed it was.

\--

Of course, it did all come to light eventually.

Finn and Rachel were getting a divorce, and shockingly, _Finn_ was filing. He'd fallen in love with some woman he met online-- some woman from their hometown, the hussy from that day, and now he was moving back to Lima to be with her.

It was ridiculous and Quinn thought Finn was insane. But Finn moved out of the apartment and Rachel accepted things graciously. She didn't scream or shout, though she accepted the business card her father slipped her for a good divorce attorney known as "the bloodsucker"-- he'd apparently represented her mother in her parents' divorce.

After having dinner with Rachel, her father, and Mr. Berry's partner, LeRoy, Quinn knew how enraged Rachel's parents were over the divorce. Rachel was accepting and Zen about it, to the point that it was worrying. But everyone else was furious.

"I'm going to kill that freeloading fat fuck," Noah raged during one of the many phone calls Quinn had with him during that time. "He's fucking dead. He mooched off my sister and then he divorces her for some fatty?"

Quinn got more details about the divorce from Noah than she did from Rachel, who was tight-lipped about it.

"My mom says if that asshole tries to get alimony from Rach, we should just have him killed."

Quinn was appalled with the idea of Rachel continuing to support Finn via alimony and was very happy that the attorney Rachel hired to represent her was described as a 'barracuda' by Mr. Berry.

But in the end, the divorce was handled expediently and amicably. Finn seemed to exercise some decency, and he only took what was his, which wasn't much, considering Rachel had been the main breadwinner through most of their marriage.

Rachel was philosophical about it with their costars.

"Well, it was a teenage wedding. I suppose it was highly likely to end."

But Quinn could see Rachel was hurting. She wished Rachel would talk to her about it, but she never did.

Rachel was married to Finn for eight years, and though Quinn felt terribly for her friend, she was also relieved that her friend was finally free of that albatross around her neck. She just wished Rachel could see it that way, too.  



	3. Chapter 3

Rachel understood that most couples who got married eventually got divorced. This was a depressing statistic that she never gave much thought to, because she'd always tried her best to put her marriage first.

She was realistic and truthful with herself. She knew there was a difference between trying to do her best and actually doing her best, so she knew there had been times in the eight years she was married to Finn that their relationship had taken a backseat to her career. She'd felt bad when she had to work during their third anniversary, or when she had to do a round of press interviews on their fourth. She knew he was justified in his anger every time something related to her career was on the forefront so their relationship became secondary. She understood that. However, she also looked at their relationship in its totality. Yes, she'd had her failings on individual nights, but on the whole, she'd tried to be a good wife and she thought that meant something. She had complaints about him on individual nights, too, but on the whole, she thought he was a good husband.

She knew some of her long nights put a strain on her marriage, but she'd loved Finn so much.

They were young when they got married--it was her 18th birthday and he was very close to 19. Everyone said they were too young to get married and they didn't know what they were doing, but she'd taken her marriage vows seriously. She _never_ did anything by halves, and she sure as hell wasn't going to half-ass her marriage. She'd always thrown herself whole-heartedly into everything she did, because she couldn't imagine any other way to be, and she treated her marriage with the same fervor.

And though she'd had, on occasion, felt the stirrings of attraction for another person, she never allowed herself such a cruel indulgence. Perhaps this is where she went wrong, because she'd just assumed that Finn did the same.

She wasn't an idiot. She knew there were prettier girls. Girls with bigger breasts and smaller noses. Girls with more exotic features or features that were more traditionally "pretty." Girls with slimmer ankles. Or whatever it was that people found physically attractive in women. The point was, Rachel wasn't naïve enough to believe Finn never looked, but she was stupid enough to believe he didn't touch.

And this is where she found herself hating Finn-- he'd carried on this online affair, _planned_ it out in his own stupid way. She'd wondered if she hadn't caught him, if he would have even given her the dignity of telling her about his betrayal. She hated him for the fact he violated their marital bed-- couldn't he have sprung for a hotel room? Was he so cheap? Granted she was the primary breadwinner, and she was careful with their finances, but she likely wouldn't have noticed a few hundred dollars missing. She might not have even questioned a hotel bill charge if he'd gotten to the monthly statement before her. She just would have asked him if there were any unusual charges, and when he would have responded no, she would have just believed him on face-value, because she'd trusted him. She felt guilty for a week after having a sex dream about Justin Timberlake in their bed, and Finn had no qualms about having sex with another woman in it? It just boggled Rachel's mind.

She'd _trusted_ him.

Trusted past tense, of course.

She was glad she found out, because she didn't want to feel even more foolish than she already felt. And she felt so, so foolish, like all those girls in high school who said she wasn't pretty enough for him were now justified in their cattiness. And the lack of effort he took into covering his tracks was breathtaking. It was like he didn't care. Which, maybe he didn't.

She did take some satisfaction in knowing that he was moving back to Lima. She wanted him out of her city. When she really thought about it, he was a small town boy. He'd had bigger dreams, but he didn't have the ambition to follow through. After all, he'd wanted to be an actor, too, but he never took an acting class, and when she told him about auditions she thought he'd be _perfect_ for, he was happy _not_ to try out if he had some construction job lined up.

He was meant for the small town, and Rachel felt badly that she forced him into the big city with her for so long. But that didn't meant she forgave him for denying her the courtesy of honesty or the respect of fidelity.

Still, she knew that with her mother being back in Lima, Finn was going to have a hard time re-acclimating. Her mother was out for _blood_ and Rachel pitied anyone who pissed her off.  
Even now, years after their ugly divorce, her father referred to her mother as "The Barracuda."

And Rachel still had friends in Lima, too. Not necessarily _close_ friends, but friends like Kurt Hummel and Dave Karofsky, who were sufficiently stuck in high school vindication mode, who would make Finn's life hard just because they could. Kurt's dad owned the best mechanic's shop franchise in Lima and Dave was a supervisor at one of the largest construction companies in Lima. Those were two arenas Finn excelled in, and Rachel knew neither of her friends would give Finn a chance if they could help it. And well, business was booming for both of them-- they kept the economy in Lima flowing and she was giddy that two gay men basically kept a large chunk of the town employed. They basically ran the town and both of them were still under the age of 30. Not to mention the fact that because Karofsky and Hummel were both so heavily revered in the business community, they could easily blackball a person from working in _any_ industry in Lima and both had sworn to make sure Finn Hudson never collected another paycheck. Welfare check, maybe. But no paycheck. She laughed when they told her that-- Kurt and Dave only knew each other from high school and rarely crossed paths, but they were so similar in some ways. She admired them for the way they both made Lima a better place than the one they'd grown up in.

She did take some malicious pleasure in that, but mostly, she wished Finn well. She'd loved him-- she _still_ loved him, and as hurt as she was, she just didn't have it in her to wish him ill. She told Kurt and Dave not to do her any favors like that, but she wasn't sure if they were listening-- they both seemed much angrier about it than she was. They could each dismiss insults directed at them, but they were both catty and petty when it came to insults directed at her, and Rachel had to assume that cheating on her was definitely an insult.

She was just hurt, but she didn't hate him and so Rachel wished Finn all the best.

Besides, Finn hardly had anyone looking out for him-- just his new girl and his mom. Rachel had a slew of friends, costars, a mother, a father, an overly protective little brother and a hotheaded protective stepfather looking out for her. She kind of felt sorry for him there were so many people out for his blood.

But she still had her bad days-- days where she felt like her world was collapsing, and all she wanted to do was cry.

But even as she was going through it, she knew how cliché it was. And she told herself that she would be fine.

Quinn was her saving grace during this time. She was sweetly supportive and though Rachel was too humiliated to tell the blonde everything that was on her mind, Rachel knew she wouldn't be able to get through her divorce without Quinn's steadfast support.

She marveled over how strange life could be.

She'd known Quinn practically since the day she was born-- Rachel could still remember the day Quinn was brought home from the hospital, two days after she was born. She'd been sulkily sitting in her front yard with her mother, father and new baby brother, Noah. Noah had been born two months before and Rachel hated him upon looking at his huge misshapen alien head. And he cried constantly which interfered with her practicing her singing.

At the moment the Fabrays pulled into their garage, the Corcoran-Berry family was taking pictures to document their new family member. Once Russell, Judy and Taylor got out of the car, the Corcoran-Berry family rushed across the street to meet them.

The fathers shook hands vociferously, grinning proudly at one another and intermittently slapping each other on the back.

Rachel and Taylor, four years apart in age, just eyed one another warily. They knew each other distantly from school, but Taylor was in third grade and Rachel was only in kindergarten. Four year old Rachel already knew enough about Taylor not to trust her quite yet.

Shelby held Noah and waited as Judy pulled Quinn out of the car seat. Rachel wasn't particularly interested in this new baby. She knew it would just mean that there would be as much crying at the Fabrays as there was at hers now.

But then Shelby cooed over the baby and Judy knelt down to introduce Quinn to Rachel.

"Rachie," Judy murmured. "This is Quinn. Can you say hello to her?"

Rachel stared at the pink baby with fuzzy blonde hair. "Hello to you, baby Quinn," Rachel greeted. "You were just born so you cannot understand me, but I am Rachel Barbra Corcoran-Berry and I am your neighbor."

The mothers laughed gently at Rachel's greeting.

Rachel continued to stare at Quinn. "She's pretty," Rachel noted, her voice awed as she stared down at the baby. "Prettier than Noah." She looked contemplative. "But boys are handsome, not pretty." She made a face. "But Noah is not handsome either. He is a Monchichi."

Shelby and Judy shared a look and a laugh and Rachel gently reached out to pat Quinn's cheek.

"Hi, baby Quinn," she cooed quietly.

"Gentle, baby," Shelby reminded. "Always be gentle with babies, okay?"

Rachel nodded and she watched in fascination as Quinn opened her eyes for just a moment, her mouth opened ever so slightly, like she was yawning and then went back to sleep. Rachel patted Quinn's cheek one final time before she reached out and grabbed onto her mother's hip, burying her face into her mother's side. She peeked out intermittently to glance at Judy and Quinn, but mostly she just wanted her mom.

After that, the Corcoran-Berry family socialized regularly with the Fabrays. The age difference between Taylor and Rachel made it difficult to socialize before then, but since Noah and Quinn were only two months apart in age, the families began to meet regularly and as the years went on, Rachel found it difficult to remember a time when Quinn wasn't in her life, even though she logically knew there had been.

The Fabrays were overall very nice, though Rachel had very distinct memories that both Quinn's parents drank a little too much alcohol, so neither she nor Noah were ever permitted to be in a car driven by Mr. or Mrs. Fabray. There was never any accident or DUI that she was aware of, but it was a rule that stayed in place as long as she could remember. Rachel always felt that Quinn's dad seemed meaner than her own father and stepfather, and Quinn's mom seemed less affectionate and approachable than her mother, but she'd always envied that Quinn's parents stayed together. She knew that her parents had problems in the marriage for as long as she could remember and her father was gay on top of that, but she always thought she and Noah would have been happier if their parents stayed together. She knew her parents' marriage was a special case, but she'd always believed there was merit and honor to keeping a marriage together and trying to overcome the obstacles rather than just giving up and getting divorced.

During those early years, Quinn was mostly there in the background. Rachel was only four years older, but five years ahead in school, so they'd never gone to the same school, unless one counted when Rachel was in fifth grade and Quinn was in kindergarten, which no one did. And anyway, Rachel had always considered Quinn more Noah's friend. After all, Quinn and Noah had practically been inseparable growing up, and once they started dating, Rachel thought they would get married. She didn't actually believe they would get married, she just thought it would be sweet if they did. And Quinn especially faded into the background once Rachel became friends with Quinn's older sister, Taylor. Although Taylor was four years older than Rachel, they were only three grades apart, so when Rachel started as a freshman at McKinley, Taylor was a senior and scooped her up. Taylor was like a best friend and older sister. The attention from Taylor was dizzying and Rachel would later find out that charm was just a Fabray family trait.

Of course, she and Taylor drifted apart once Taylor went off to college, but they still stayed in touch, and always hung out any time Taylor came back to Lima during college breaks. But their relationship never survived how angry Taylor became when Rachel married Finn. Even now that she and Finn divorced, Rachel still didn’t believe marrying Finn "ruined" her life the way Taylor accused. She'd been outraged and defensive when Taylor characterized Finn as a 'loser' and she sometimes still felt angry about it when she thought back on it. Over the years, she thought repeatedly of calling Taylor to make amends, and the urge became especially acute once Rachel's friendship with Quinn deepened. But she never did. When she thought about it, she thought it was better to just let things be, and anyway, though she meant no disrespect to Taylor, she felt like she had the better Fabray.

It was strange to her that once Taylor was her best friend and Quinn was Noah's, but now, Quinn was _her_ best friend-- that little blonde girl she could remember taking by the hand because she was too little to cross the street by herself was now her best friend.

How weird was her life?  
\--

Rachel knew she could attribute their closeness to working in the same play.

Rachel felt the need to watch over her friend-- for God's sake, Rachel could still remember a time when Quinn was in diapers, _of course_ she'd watch over Quinn. But as protective as she felt over Quinn, which was tinged with something sororal, Rachel also felt like they were true friends, and she was so grateful for that.

Her time in New York had taught her that people were _extremely_ two-faced. She'd known that long before she left Lima, but it was made especially clear to her once she moved to New York. She found that having costars/friends who were genuinely happy for her success were rare. She didn't want to be arrogant enough to assume that all of her actress friends were jealous of her, because that seemed pretty unreasonable and unlikely. But she also knew that it was very difficult to be happy for a successful friend when one was struggling in her own career. This was something she too struggled with.

But not Quinn.

Quinn was amazing in that she was always happy for Rachel's success-- she never seemed resentful or jealous and Rachel really just needed a friend she could trust. And she trusted Quinn completely.

The world of Broadway was small and competitive, and she'd come to realize that people she called 'friends' were hoping for the day she'd fail an audition so that they'd have a better chance. She wasn't a perfect person-- when she wanted a role, she _really_ wanted it, but that didn't mean she'd hope a friend of hers would do badly in an audition. She just wanted to be the best person for the part.

She'd come to find that even though Quinn looked like the dictionary definition of a bitchy blonde cheerleader, Quinn was one of the few people she knew who could legitimately be happy for other people even when things in her own life were only so-so. Quinn would always have her enduring respect for that.

\--

Their show quickly became one of the most successful Broadway musicals that season. She'd loved the project from the moment it crossed her hands, but she didn't have the highest hopes for it. It was based on a fantasy novel which itself was based on one of the darkest fairy tales known to man. But she'd believed in the script. She just thought it would end up some little play with a short run. She loved every single one of her projects, but this particular project seemed closest to her heart. It was an original, so everyone workshopped the hell out of it-- a real labor of love.

She was newly single, and so her life basically composed of work and Quinn. After spending the day rehearsing or performing, Rachel didn't have a surplus of energy to do anything but grab a light dinner with Quinn.

They'd usually end up at one of their apartments to watch a movie and inevitably fall asleep together on the couch. It got to a point where Rachel started to leave clothes and a set of toiletries at Quinn's apartment, and Quinn did the same at Rachel's.

The play itself and Rachel as the lead actress were both nominated for Tony awards that season, so all that hard work clearly paid off.

And then a year into their run, Quinn was offered something _magical_ \-- a starring role in a new TV series that would film in the city. She'd auditioned for the pilot, made it and then the pilot got picked up and so Quinn had to make a choice.

Rachel was bereft at the thought of her friend leaving their play. Quinn had originated her role, and though it was small, it was pivotal. Rachel couldn't picture anyone but Quinn playing it.

More importantly, though Quinn's character was a secondary character, she was still a close friend to Rachel's character, and so they had a number of heartfelt scenes together. Rachel couldn't imagine playing those scenes with anyone else. She would if she had to, of course-- she was a professional. But she knew it would be difficult, if not heartbreaking. She was able to be vulnerable in her role because she trusted Quinn _that_ much and she stressed herself out by the thought that maybe she wouldn't be as good in those scenes if she didn't have Quinn to play off.

But Rachel wished only the best for her friend.

When Quinn asked her for her opinion, Rachel knew Quinn would value her input and likely do whatever it was that Rachel suggested. Rachel had read over the script for the pilot episode and thought it was _amazing_ and perfect for Quinn-- it would showcase her talent as a dramatic actress while giving her space to develop talents in comedy _and_ she would occasionally get to sing on screen and possibly even contribute to the show's soundtrack. And the role itself was perfect for Quinn-- well within Quinn's ability, but it was obvious Quinn would also be challenged and be able to grow as an actress, too. The concept was nothing new, but the writing was sharp.

Rachel knew her friend would knock it out of the park. She had 100%, unshakeable faith in that.

But it was a new TV show, and all new shows always had the danger of overpromising and under-delivering. And Quinn could potentially trade in her steady paycheck from the play for a show that could possibly get cancelled after the first episode. Quinn worried about it, but Rachel had faith in her friend-- even if Quinn had to carry the show, Rachel had faith she would.

So, when Quinn asked for her opinion, Rachel put aside her own selfishness and hugged her friend.

"I think you should do it," Rachel said sincerely. "You shouldn't be supporting cast-- you were meant for a starring role and I think this could really be a big break."

Quinn swallowed hard. "If it gets canceled, I could end up homeless."

That was a bit of an overstatement. Quinn was careful with her money, and Rachel knew for a fact that if Quinn needed help from home, the Fabrays would be willing to give it even if that would be the absolute last option Quinn would take. But Rachel understood Quinn's fears.

"You wouldn't end up homeless, you could just move in with me. My spare bedroom is really yours anyway," Rachel comforted. She brightened at the thought. "We could be roommates."

Quinn bit her lip. "I don't know if I'd be able to do it without you," she confessed quietly.

It was times like that when their age difference, however small, became especially acute for Rachel. Though Quinn was poised and possessed a Grace Kelly regality, she was a 23 year old woman, not that long out of college. Rachel remembered being scared when she was 23, too, and though it was only four years ago, Rachel knew much of her fears had been diminished during that time because she had Finn. Things were always less scary as a duo. And her father and stepfather also lived in the city, so she knew in the worst case scenario, she had them, too.

In this big city, all Quinn really had was her.

Rachel smiled comfortingly. "I'll be here," she said softly. "We live six blocks from each other-- that's not very far away at all." She paused. "And if I can't be there, St. Genesius will," she said, reaching out to touch the St. Genesius medal around Quinn's neck. "To watch over you for those very few moments when I won't be able to."

"Do you really like the script?" Quinn asked quietly.

"I love it, I think it's amazing, but more importantly, I believe in you," Rachel said sincerely. "I think you should do it, and believe me, it's hard for me to say this because I'm going to miss you desperately on stage with me. If I were only thinking of me, I'd beg you to stay and tell you that we could move onto every project together, like a 2-for-1 deal. But I know this is something you were waiting for, and you would be great at it. If I were you, I would do it."

Quinn breathed a quiet sigh. "Okay," she said. She swallowed hard. "I'm going to do it."

Rachel smiled. "I'm so proud of you."

\--

It was inevitable, but they started to see less of one another. Quinn was busy with shooting, and later, with press to promote the show. And a little while after that, when the show became a very big hit, Rachel saw even less of her while Quinn did constant press.

Rachel tried not to be jealous because she knew Quinn has never been jealous of her success and never would be, but it was difficult.

Rachel thought she was perfect for Broadway, which tended to be a little more forgiving of actors who weren't 'traditionally' attractive and Rachel knew that she wasn't an ideal beauty. Rachel eventually wanted the EGOT, but she was banking on the assumption that she would just find the perfect projects to win her the Emmy and Oscar and would spend the majority of her career on Broadway. But she didn't think she would ever be a real television or film actor-- she didn't think she was pretty enough and even though it hurt, she was starting to accept that.

Sometimes she caught herself envious of Quinn and thinking that Quinn's fame came easier for her because she was just so pretty-- genetically blessed, really. But Rachel hated herself for thinking like this, because she knew that unlike many other starlets, Quinn actually deserved her burgeoning fame. Quinn worked hard-- she was always willing to stay a little later and wake up a little earlier even for the smallest of roles.

And so, Rachel just continued on her own path-- her show was still popular, and her image was plastered all over New York in promotion. She had to admit to herself that she was already more successful at the age of 27 than she hoped she would be when she was planning her future as a child. But as much as she hated herself for it, she was starting to become jealous that Quinn Fabray was becoming a household name while Rachel Berry was only known and admired in the Broadway geek circle. Rachel wanted to be a household name, too.

And what hurt most of all was that she could already see their career trajectories taking them different places. Quinn's show mercifully taped in New York, but soon, her career would take her to LA. Rachel just _knew_ it. And soon after that, Rachel would lose her best friend because friendships, like romantic relationships, tended to fail when separated by too much time and distance.

So, she prepared herself for it by gorging on what she could, while she could. For now, they still met up as frequently as possible, but it definitely wasn't daily anymore and Rachel found herself desperately missing her daily dose of Quinn Fabray.

She felt so dumb for feeling like this way, especially at her age, but she couldn't help herself.

\--

She heard through the grapevine that Finn and his new girlfriend, soon to be wife, had a baby. She felt compelled to be gracious so she found out Finn's new address from an old high school friend and sent the baby a gift. She also heard through the grapevine that Finn was _still_ unemployed, a fact over which her mother was suitably derisive. "Some things never change, she's supporting him the way you did. But thank God you had the good sense not to have his child."

She was happy for Finn becoming a father, however, and after she found out, the first thing she did was call her old friend, Dave Karofsky, to plead with him to offer Finn a job. Now that there was a baby involved, she didn't want some innocent life to suffer. She honestly couldn't believe that _no one_ would hire him.

Dave balked immediately. "No way, Rachel. First, he screwed you over. Second, he's incompetent. He's going to end up screwing up and costing me money."

"Please," Rachel pleaded. "I'm not saying you have to keep him on if he messes up, but please give him a chance. He has a baby now."

Dave groaned. "Rachel, come on. The economy is shit and his resume is terrible. There are plenty of people way more qualified than him who've been out of work even longer than he has. It's nothing personal anymore, it's just there are people who are more qualified."

"Please," Rachel pleaded. "Give him a chance."

"No," Dave said. "He's one of the least qualified applicants I've had _and_ he fucked you over. That's three strikes."

"That's only two!"

"The second one counts twice, little lady."

"You know he'll work hard. You have to give him that much. And now that he has a baby, I know he will grow up and be reliable! He's a good guy!"

Dave snorted. "Little girl, you've always had blinders when it came to him. He's selfish. You know he got pissed at his new bitch because she was paying more attention to the baby than to him? He was jealous of an infant."

Rachel sighed. "He's stressed out. I know him. Give him a job and he'll step up. He got jealous because he needed something to occupy his time!"

"Why can't you see what everyone else sees? You aren't married to that douche pickle anymore, you don't need to Pollyanna him."

"Please, Dave?" Rachel wheedled. "You were barely a decent human being in high school, but I vouched for you."

Dave was quiet for a while and then sighed. "Fine," he said finally. "For you and Hudson's kid. Not for Hudson. That guy can fuck himself. But Hudson's mom is dating Hummel's dad, so if Hudson fucks up, he gets pawned off on Hummel. They'll be stepbrothers or some shit then."

"Thank you, Dave," Rachel said quietly. She knew Finn's mother was dating Kurt's father, but she also knew that Kurt was outraged when Finn's affair was discovered and Kurt was _still_ angry. If she'd asked Kurt for this favor, he would have staged an intervention. Dave was the softer touch, at least, in this regard.

As gracious as Rachel tried to be over it, it still panged her to know how quickly Finn moved on from her. It hurt how easy it was for him, and though she was happy about this new life in the world, believing genuinely that every child was a gift from God, it did spark some fear in her. During their marriage, she'd always been on birth control, but the last year of their marriage, there had been numerous mishaps. Finn had thrown away her birth control pills, poked holes in condoms and was particularly pushy about having sex during her fertile period even after she declined because he'd hidden or thrown away her birth control pills. She didn't even know when her fertile times were or when she ovulated, but he was tracking through an app on his phone. This was, of course, something she kept to herself rather than complaining to her friends like she wanted to, because she knew it would paint him in a worse light than he deserved. But when she reflected on their marriage, this bothered her more than anything else about their relationship other than his infidelity. He called her a 'controllist' seeming never to get the word right, but he tried to force a life-altering decision on her, and she had no one with whom to talk about it because she didn't want to _hear_ about how much better off she was without him, she wanted someone just to listen..

He'd been desperate for a baby and she wasn't ready, so she was always relieved when she wasn't pregnant. But there'd been so many times when Finn sabotaged her birth control, and though that created numerous fights in and of itself, she never really pushed the issue too fiercely because she never got pregnant. She just told herself there would be hell to pay if she actually did get pregnant.

She'd privately always believed it was because Finn had a bit of an early arrival problem and so their sex life, though satisfactory to her, was never particularly robust-- he often came before they even really got started, and he'd never been adept at a recovery period. But now she wondered if maybe there was something wrong with _her_ if Finn had been able to get his new girlfriend pregnant so quickly.

She wasn't great with taking care of herself. She paid fastidious attention to anything that could be seen--she worked out regularly, ate healthful foods, got a manicure and pedicure every two weeks, waxed once a month, facials once a week and met with her hairdresser regularly. She was religious with her dental appointments and met with a dermatologist every six weeks just to stay on top of her skincare regiment.

But she was not good about taking care of herself where things couldn't be seen, and she could admit that she'd let a little too much time lapse between Pap smears. Three years, to be exact.

She started to think maybe the reason she never got pregnant while she was with Finn was because there was a problem with _her_. She was only 27 years old, but that didn't mean she was immune.

She scheduled an appointment right away and her doctor was friendly, though a little judgmental about the passage of time. But one of the reasons she chose Dr. Ashman was that she had a great bedside manner.

By the time the exam started, all of Rachel's fear were allayed.

Then a few days later, they were all back again due to three little words.

Abnormal pap smear.

\--

 

She was alarmed, of course. But she did research on the internet that told her that it didn't mean she had cancer, and actually, that was kind of rare.

She thought first of calling Quinn, but she didn't want to bother Quinn. Her friend was enjoying the fruits of her labor, and she didn't want to distract Quinn from just enjoying her life. Plus, Quinn was 23 years old and Rachel thought there was no need for her to concern herself with such things. Granted their age difference didn't mean much anymore, but she still felt the urge to shield Quinn from bad things if possible.

She tried to relax, though she found it difficult. She'd heard from other friends how anxiety-provoking it was to wait for test results-- usually her friends meant waiting for STD panels results given that numerous members of her social circle were fairly slutty. She'd sympathized with various friends, and she could imagine how anxiety-provoking it was, but actually having to go through it herself was a different animal.

She realized that her past attempts at empathy with her friends were lacking.

She told herself it was too soon to worry, but she still couldn't sleep or eat. She threw herself into work, which was a good distraction, but when she wasn't working, she was worried. And when the second test still came back irregular and her doctor suggested a biopsy, Rachel started to get scared. She kept it together when she was with other people, but when she was home alone, she found herself pacing the floor all night.  
  
The biopsy went off without a hitch-- Rachel thought it was a good sign that she was in no pain during it. It was scary and a little uncomfortable, but it didn't hurt.

It would take a couple weeks to get the results, so she resumed her schedule. And though she didn't feel so great, she toughed it out, she just assumed she was run down and tired due to a stressful few weeks. She felt achy and congested, but she was able to tough it through.

But about a week after her biopsy, and days of feeling terrible, she woke up intending to engage in her usual morning workout and realized she felt _dreadful_. She knew there was no way she was going to tough this through-- she'd need to stay home. With effort, she stumbled into the bathroom and checked her temperature. She blanched when she realized she had a fever of a 104.5.

Though her rational mind knew she was supposed to call her doctor, her first thought was to call her mother. It was ridiculous, but didn't most people want their mothers when they weren't feeling well? But she didn't want to bother her mother. She thought of Quinn, but she knew Quinn needed her sleep. Then she thought of her brother. She thought briefly of her father and stepfather, who lived in the city, but finally decided she'd rather called her brother. She couldn't remember why she wanted to talk to someone so badly in the first place and thought she might as well catch up with her brother.

Despite their three hour time difference, Rachel thought her little brother needed to wake up earlier now and then. She failed to realize that because of the time difference, it was only 2am in Los Angeles, and Noah was likely just leaving some club. He was young, after all.

She called him and he picked up after a few rings.

"Dude, Rach. What's up? Is Dad or LeRoy dead or something?"

"Nooooah," Rachel drawled. "Hi."

Noah was quiet for a moment. "Rachel?" he asked. He sounded concerned. "Are you drunk?"

Rachel was insulted. "What? Of course not, Noah!"

"You sound weird."

"Noaaah. Noah, I don't feel well, Noah. Noah. Noah." She laughed softly. "Puckie. My little baby brother." She wondered if maybe she was drunk and she just got forgot but she felt more _awful_ than anything else. She wondered if she was at the point of drunkenness when it was sickness and she just forgot she drank so much. She couldn't seem to think. She was disoriented and was quickly bordering on delirious. She was aware of this and was desperately trying to get a grip on herself, but she just felt herself slipping even further.

"Rachel," Noah said urgently. "Did you take something? Did you drink too much?"

"I don't feel well, Puckie…" she whispered.

"Rachel!" Noah yelled. He sounded like he was going to cry, and Rachel felt bad for her little brother.

"Aw, baby brother," Rachel cooed. "I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

"No," Noah said quietly. He sounded scared and Rachel felt bad for calling him. "Rach, are you home?"

"I'm home," Rachel confirmed. "I…I'm all…all good. Sorry to wake you, baby brother…let you go back to bed. I don't feel well….maybe sleep will…do good for me."

She was tired anyway. Things were fuzzy and she was finding it hard to speak. She wasn't even sure who she was talking to anymore and decided it was time to get off the phone.

"No! Wait, Rachel--"

He was crying, and Rachel wanted to comfort him. But more than anything else, she just wanted to hang up and rest. She hung up the phone, slid it away from her and laid down in the bathroom where she could rest her cheek against the cool tile. That seemed like the most desirable option. She was dizzy anyway and didn't think she'd be able to make it to her bed.

The phone rang again and again, but she didn't have the strength to answer it.

\--

The next time she awoke, she was being pulled and then her head was resting on something soft. Rachel blearily opened her eyes and realized she was lying in Quinn's lap and Quinn was crying while she was talking on the phone.

"When will the ambulance get here?!" Quinn was screaming. "Her brother already called them ten minutes ago! Please! Please, she won't wake up!"

Rachel wanted to tell her not to cry, but she was too tired.

Rachel stared up at Quinn and let out a small groan. She felt terrible.

Quinn glanced down and she breathed a sigh of relief. "You're awake!"

Rachel tried to formulate a response and was perturbed and annoyed to realize she could barely speak.

Quinn was crying. "Rachel," she said urgently. "Rachel, what hurts? Tell me what hurts, please!"

"Nothing hurts," Rachel managed to slur out. "Just don't feel good…fever…"

Quinn hoisted herself up, managing to keep Rachel in her lap. She reached for the thermometer on the counter and sat back on the ground again. She stuck the thermometer into Rachel's mouth. She waited until it beeped and looked at it.

"Please," Quinn cried into the phone. "Her temperature is really high! It's 104.8. And I think she's delirious, please hurry!"

"Don't yell, Quinn," Rachel mumbled. "Just a fever…fever in the morning…fever in the evening…fever on through the night...you give me fever…"

Quinn let out a small sob when Rachel began to sing, albeit deliriously. "Please be okay, please be okay," she pleaded. "Rachel. I love you, please be okay. I love you. I love you. Please, please be okay."

Rachel closed her eyes and groaned painfully.

"No! Rachel, just open your eyes. Please-- I love you. I love you. Don't do this! Please wake up," Quinn begged, sobbing. "Don't do this before I have to the chance to tell you--"

Rachel released a ragged sigh. She felt like she was dying.

She remembered nothing after that.

\--

When she woke up in the hospital, her head still felt fuzzy, but she felt a little better. She couldn't remember much, but she knew she was in the hospital and she knew she'd felt awful for a while.

Quinn was by her bedside, still crying.

"Oh, thank God," she cried. Quinn grabbed Rachel's hand and clutched it to her chest. "You're okay, you're okay, you're okay," she repeated in a murmur.

"I don't feel well," Rachel mumbled.

"Your dad and stepdad are in the cafeteria," Quinn said. "Noah and your mom are both flying in." Quinn sniffled and then smoothed away some hair from Rachel's forehead. "You scared me so much," she whispered. She stood up so she could bend down to kiss Rachel's brow. "If you didn't feel well, why didn't you call me?"

She sounded so hurt and Rachel felt awful, though she did not understand why Quinn sounded so wounded.

"You were busy," Rachel mumbled. "You were filming and doing press…"

"That wouldn't have mattered to me if you called me to tell me you were this sick!"

"Next time I'll call you," Rachel mumbled.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you," Quinn said, contrite. "I was just so scared. I lo--"

Quinn was cut off as Rachel's fathers made a boisterous entry.

"Baby!"

Rachel was engulfed in two sets of arms. She felt like she was being smothered by her father and stepfather.

Even though she lived in the same city as her father and stepfather, she didn't get to see them much. They both traveled a lot for work and leisure, and she was extremely busy. She didn't share a traditionally close relationship with them-- she hardly saw them, really, but she felt like she could tell them almost anything and they wouldn't judge her. But she didn't tell them about her recent health scare or the fact that she was feeling this unwell because she didn't want them to worry. But seeing them and knowing they rushed to see her made her feel loved and cared for.

She decided to enjoy it while it lasted because once her mother and brother got there, things would get tense all over again.

Rachel gave a small smile at Quinn and closed her eyes to go back to sleep when she saw her father throw his arms around Quinn and sob, thanking her profusely.  
\--

Rachel dozed for the next few hours. Her mother arrived first and immediately got into an argument with her father because her mother felt her father wasn't watching over her well enough. In any other context, Rachel knew her mother would have recognized the argument as ridiculous. She was, after all, a grown adult. In three years, she would be 30 years old-- well past the age where she could be considered a girl.

LeRoy, as usual, played peacekeeper until both her mother and father calmed down. Rachel thought it was hilarious that her mother got along better with her stepfather than her father, considering her father left her mother for LeRoy. But her parents' marriage had been troubled even before her father left her mother.

When Rachel thought about it, it really wasn't so surprising that her mother would get along better with LeRoy who treated her mom with respect and deference because he still felt guilty over breaking up the marriage compared to her father who, after all, still referred to her mother as "The Barracuda." They only got along when there was a common enemy-- for a long time, that had been Finn-- her parents hated him and when they used to castigate her for marrying him, they worked in such unison, it was like they never got divorced at all.

Once LeRoy managed to calm her mother down enough that she agreed to grabbing a cup of coffee with him, things simmered down ever so slightly. Things became contentious again when her brother arrived and he got into an argument with their father and LeRoy, but then everything got blamed on Finn for stressing her out with the divorce and the group had a shared, hated enemy. Once they decided Finn was the source of all her problems, her parents, stepfather and brother immediately began expressing elaborate revenge fantasies that made her feel grateful that she was on their good side.

It turned out that she had walking pneumonia which was an entirely separate problem from the biopsy and whatever yet-to-be-diagnosed condition necessitated the biopsy in the first place.

Quinn and her mother both looked outraged that she concealed the biopsy from them, whereas her brother and fathers actually looked sort of relieved she had-- probably because it concerned things that went on below the waist. Still, her brother and fathers looked absolutely terrified that she'd still have to wait another week for the results, while her mother and Quinn tried to be comforting.

She understood her family's anger with her-- they were her family, but she didn't quite get why Quinn was so angry.

She hated that Quinn seemed so upset, so she finally just asked Quinn outright.

"You're asking me _why_ I'm so mad?" Quinn asked incredulously.

"Well, yes, Quinn. This is why I asked."

Quinn looked absolutely disgusted. "I guess I just had this stupid notion that we were friends," Quinn spat out. "And that maybe because of that, you would share things about your life with me, like if you needed a biopsy. I thought _maybe_ you'd confide me or even ask me to go with you. I thought maybe you'd tell me you were feeling sick, so that I wouldn't have to get a call from Noah at five in the morning screaming about how you were probably dying . And maybe if you'd just told me, I wouldn't have to find you collapsed in your bathroom." Quinn's voice trembled ever so slightly. "Maybe I wouldn’t have thought you were dead because you weren't waking up."

Rachel swallowed hard. "I didn't collapse," she protested weakly. Her memories were foggy, she really didn't remember anything after getting off the phone with her brother. She couldn’t even remember Quinn was the one who found her until she was told. "My face felt hot, so I laid down in the bathroom because the tile was cold." She paused. "That probably wasn't the most sanitary option."

"That was the 104 degree fever," Quinn snapped.

"Well, if you're going to be technical."

Rachel was trying to be life-hearted-- she didn't want to think what would have happened if Quinn hadn't rushed to her. Though she didn't remember it, she knew she'd had a febrile seizure and it was Quinn who prevented her from injuring herself. So, she was just trying to lighten the mood, but she realized she came off as callous and cavalier.

Quinn's jaw clenched imperceptibly. "I can't…I can't deal with you right now," she said. She was already on her feet to leave the room.

Quinn sounded so furious, like she was seething, Rachel immediately felt the need to smooth things over.

"Wait," Rachel entreated. "Please."

Quinn halted.

"Please," Rachel said. "Please, I really don't understand why you're so angry…I just didn't want to bother you. You were busy. I was trying to be considerate. I don't understand why you seem like you hate me right now."

Quinn's back remained to Rachel.

"Rachel," Quinn said, her voice sounding strangled, like she was barely containing herself. "If you think I could ever hate you, you _really_ don't know me at all"

"Please sit back down and keep me company," Rachel pleaded. She swallowed hard. She didn't like how heavy things got. "You saved me, do you really want me to be bored? Entertain me, kiddo. " she said lightly. She hoped maybe invoking their childhood would remind Quinn that they've known each other the entirety of Quinn's life and would diffuse some of Quinn's anger.

Quinn's shoulders slumped imperceptibly. "I just can't right now," she said, not turning back to look at Rachel as she left the room.

\--

Rachel didn't see Quinn for another few hours, though she knew the blonde was still within the confines of the hospital.

When Quinn returned, she behaved as if nothing even transpired between them and Rachel was too bewildered and afraid to ask for an explanation. So she just took her cues from Quinn and left things stay unspoken.

\--

She stayed in the hospital for a few days, primarily because she was in need of intravenous hydration, but she was otherwise okay. For the time being.  
\--

She eventually got her biopsy results, and she was relieved that she was okay. Just a minor health scare, exactly like she hoped, with a minor procedure with minimal recuperation time to fix it. It would mercifully just be a little blip in her memoir, not an entire chapter, or God forbid, enough to be the _subject_ of the entire memoir.

\--

Life resumed to normal-- as was common with brushes with the potentially life-changing. It was shocking how things could become so banal.

\--

Then one day, a few months later, when her show finally closed and she was reviewing offers for her next show, Quinn popped up at her apartment out-of-the blue.

"I need to talk to you about something."

Quinn's mood was difficult to gauge in that moment.

After Rachel got out of the hospital, their friendship resumed, but she sensed Quinn was upset with her about something, but the blonde wasn't saying anything about it. They were still as friendly with one another as ever, but Rachel sensed that Quinn had something on her mind which was creating distance between them and that distance made it difficult for Rachel to read Quinn.

Quinn looked serious, but at the same time, she didn't look upset or angry, which was a good sign.

But Rachel had no idea what could prompt Quinn to drop by unannounced saying "I need to talk to you about something." She felt a little afraid, like Quinn was going to say "I don't want to be your friend anymore" which made her feel about twelve years old, when she heard that more frequently than she cared to recall.

\--

"Bryan wants me to ask you to do this guest spot on our show," Quinn said. She looked at Rachel hopefully. "Will you do it?"

Rachel raised an eyebrow. "Why does he want me?"

"He's a big fan," Quinn said. "He really wants me to talk you into it. He wants to write a part in specifically for you and since he knows you're my best friend, he wanted me to approach you before he did so I could go over it with you."

Rachel made a face. "That's kind of unprofessional, isn't it?"

Quinn rolled her eyes. "That's just Bryan."

Rachel hesitated. Bryan McCall had a reputation for being an asshole, but his shows were typically well-done.

Her first love was the stage-- she didn't think there was a place for her on TV or film, at least, not in a way that was as consistent as Broadway. But she did want to branch out at least occasionally in her career (she still had the E and the O in EGOT to earn) and this would give her the opportunity to work with Quinn again.

"Would you be okay with me coming onto your set?" Rachel asked.

She'd visited Quinn on set, but it was different to work on it. And anyway, there was such distance between them lately. She got the feeling that maybe Quinn didn't want her around.

Quinn looked affronted. "Why would you ask me that? Are you stupid? I really want to work with you again, I think it would be amazing."

Rachel tried not to be affronted at being called 'stupid.' When things were normal between them, Rachel knew that was just how Quinn spoke sometimes. She knew Quinn's father could be a little abrasive and Rachel had no doubt in her mind that even though Quinn was basically the most well-read, well-spoken and most intelligent person she knew, Quinn had grown up with the word 'stupid' tossed around pretty freely. But right now, things weren't the best between them, for reasons that were beyond her ken, and Rachel couldn't help but feel hurt that Quinn called her 'stupid' because she was uncertain if Quinn meant it. Still, she pushed that down within herself because she didn't want to make things worse by speaking up.

"There's no guarantee our characters would share scenes."

"I would be so pissed if we didn't."

"Me too," Rachel agreed.

They were quiet for a moment until Quinn spoke again.

"Will you do it?"

Rachel hesitated. "Are you sure you'd want me around so much?"

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Stop being an idiot."

Rachel swallowed hard and ducked her head. "Okay."

"Really?"

"Yes."

Quinn grinned. "Great!"

\--  



	4. Chapter 4

Everything moved so quickly after that-- the very next day, Bryan McCall called her and after a two-hour phone call, she was agreeing to do a three-episode arc on Quinn's show.  
\--

Quinn's show was overall, a bit of a Debbie Downer. It centered on several characters, all of them young and improbably beautiful, in hospice care and their equally young and improbably beautiful care providers who ranged from doctors and nurses to therapists and social workers. The season focused on an indeterminate, but short period of time. Still, several major characters had already been killed off-- succumbing to their illnesses. By the nature of the show's premise, all of the actors knew that their time on the show would be limited, but the entire season only took place over the course of a few weeks. But in the world of hospice, this could be a lifetime. The show also employed numerous flashbacks, so even 'dead' characters still appeared on the show.

Rachel watched the show religiously because of Quinn and even if Quinn weren't her best friend, Quinn's character, Lily, would still have been her favorite.

Lily was depressed and angry in the hospice, but in flashback, she was shown to be upbeat, almost goofy and Quinn toed this line very well. Despite the minimal differences in appearances before and after Lily got sick, Quinn made it very easy to tell which version of her character she was playing-- even in screen captures and stills.

Rachel's character was Lily's former best friend who Lily dropped once Lily received her terminal cancer diagnosis. Rachel's character, Andrea, was a doctor who was so desperate to find Lily again that she left her prestigious position at Johns Hopkins to work in Lily's tiny hospice.

When she got the script, she could almost feel how her character (if she were real) must have felt-- to have a much beloved best friend run away hurt enough, but to know that best friend was sick and dying and it seemed like there would never be a chance to say all those things left unsaid would be devastating.

She finally understood, for the first time, why Quinn had been so angry with her in the hospital. She realized that Quinn had wanted to be there for her, as a friend, and she'd taken that option away. It was just so ridiculously obvious, but she'd never thought about it that way. She'd just been too blinded by the history she had with Quinn, where she just convinced herself that Quinn was a kid she needed to shield from her problems.

\--

The first scene she filmed with Quinn was the first scene the audience would see-- when Lily and Andrea cast eyes upon one another again for the first time in the hospice. It left her feeling emotional as she thought about how terrible it would be if Quinn took away her friendship.

At least the next few scenes they got to film together were flashbacks, so their characters could be warm and affectionate with one another. Their flashback included a scene in which they were high school age driving in a car together and began to sing along to the radio.

"It ain't me, babe, no no no no, it ain't me, babe, it ain't me you're looking for, babe," they sang together.

Okay, granted 45 seconds of singing along to a Johnny and June Cash song wasn't the same thing as singing on Broadway, but it was still great because she got to do it with Quinn. And because it was Quinn, Rachel considered it a high point in her career.

\--

Filming the show always left her feeling emotionally drained. Nearly every actor on the show had to play two versions of himself or herself. Quinn's character in particular was dramatically different between the current scenes and the flashback scenes. And Rachel's character's state of mind was so dependent on Quinn's character's, that her character was also very different between current and flashback scenes. And since their characters were also childhood friends, their flashback scenes spanned a long period of time. It was physically and emotionally draining.

But regardless of the type of scene, Rachel found that her scenes with Quinn were always emotionally fraught. Their characters were always so intense with one another, both when they were being affectionate with one another and when Rachel's character, Andrea, pleaded with Quinn's character, Lily, for explanations for running away.

\--  
Originally, her character was supposed to get killed off in the third and final episode of her arc-- it was supposed to illustrate the fragility of life or whatever. Rachel privately thought that was cliché, but Bryan McCall was the expert about that sort of thing, not her. So, whatever.

A car accident was supposed to claim her, but the audience apparently responded strongly after her first episode aired and there was an online petition to bring her character back as soon as her third episode finished airing on the East Coast.

Even though she'd already filmed her three-episode arc, she was invited back to film more episodes. She accepted it once she confirmed with Quinn that she didn't mind.

The show was apparently revising history and making Andrea's death just a nightmare that Lily had. Rachel always thought 'it was all a dream' was a cop-out, but she hoped the audience would accept it anyway. It was supposed to open the door for Lily inviting Andrea back into her life, and though Rachel thought it was a bit of a cliché storyline, she was looking forward to working more with Quinn. She couldn't think of many jobs that would allow her to work with her best friend while they did what they both loved.  
  
\--

Filming again after her initial three episode arc was one of the happiest times in her life-- work had always been a huge part of her life, so having things go well in her career just made her happy.

Undoubtedly, one of the best moments on set was filming a flashback scene to their characters' teenage years. Lily and Andrea were best friends, but hilariously enough, Quinn's character was actually older than her character by a year. Consequently, it was one of the themes of their relationship that Lily had always been very protective of Andrea and when Lily received the diagnosis her condition was terminal, her primary reason for fleeing was that she did not believe Andrea could handle it even though Andrea was a doctor. Plus, their relationship had been somewhat strained at the time, for reasons that had yet to be explored, so it seemed like Lily also fled because she couldn't handle Andrea knowing.

In any case, in the flashback scene, they were teenagers, which took a bit of camera magic, considering it'd been a while since Rachel and Quinn were teenagers, though not so far out of their teenage years as to be unbelievable. The flashback scene was of a school talent show performance in which Lily and Andrea sang a cover of the Isley Brothers' "This Old Heart of Mine is Weak for You."

Quinn _loved_ Motown because her parents loved Motown, so she was giddy in the studio.

Rachel had some very vivid memories of going to the Fabray house, first to pick up Noah so she could walk him home, and then later when she and Taylor Fabray were close friends. She didn't see much of Mr. Fabray-- he worked long hours, but there were times when she'd catch a glimpse of Quinn's parents dancing in the living room or in the kitchen to Motown. Rachel knew Mr. Fabray didn't approve of her dad after her dad left her mom for LeRoy. But seeing the Fabrays dancing around their house the way she'd seen her mother and father and then later her father and stepfather do, Rachel kind of felt like maybe her family wasn't that freakish after all the way everyone in town whispered behind their backs.

When Rachel sang "This Old Heart of Mine is Weak for You" with Quinn, she thought back to seeing her mother and father dancing in the living room to Broadway hits and terrible 80's music-- even now she was an unapologetic lover of 80's music. She remembered all the times she saw her father and stepfather dancing to anything on the radio-- even awful jingles. The first time she saw her fathers do that, she stopped resenting LeRoy so much because she knew her father was in love, and she couldn't begrudge that. She remembered seeing the Fabrays dancing and how she thought her family was, in the end, totally normal.

By the end of the song of the first take, she was just supposed to bow and exit the stage with Quinn. But she couldn't help it -- she ad-libbed.

She grabbed Quinn-as-Lily into a tight hug and buried her face into Quinn's neck.

"I love you so much," Rachel whispered.

She knew the mic picked that up, but she didn't care. It was never any secret that she and Quinn were best friends or that they loved one another. She wasn't ashamed of it

"I love you, too," Quinn whispered back.

The director called cut and they did another take of the scene, and even in that scene, Rachel couldn't help but ad lib again by grabbing Quinn's hand as they exited the stage-- Quinn squeezed back twice. They did another take with the way it was scripted, but it was ultimately decided that they would run with the first take.

And then Bryan McCall offered Rachel to come on board as a series regular for the next season-- he wanted to pursue a storyline of their characters being in love with one another with a backstory that their friendship had turned into something romantic while they were in high school together, the romance souring sometime before Lily even got her terminal diagnosis. .

Once again, Rachel consulted with Quinn first before taking the job. She wanted to keep working on the show, even though her first love was the stage. She didn't love the project the way Quinn did, and she wished she had more opportunities to sing, but she simply wanted to work with Quinn. Plus, their characters loved to sing, so she had chances to do that when they filmed flashback scenes. She had more chances to sing on the show than she would have on any other TV show, short of a TV musical and most of those do not do well. It wasn't Broadway, but she'd have Quinn and she just wanted that a little more at the moment.

But this was Quinn's show and she didn't want to overstay her welcome.

"Are you sure it's okay?" Rachel asked again, just wanting to be certain.

"You idiot," Quinn murmured. "Of course I want you to stay."

Rachel smiled at her, relieved, that she had the kind of friend who would always be happy for her, always look out for her best interest instead of self-interest. She threw her arms around Quinn. "Thanks," she whispered. "I just had to be sure. I didn't want you to feel like I was taking over your life. I couldn't handle that. No job is more important to me than you. I love you. You're my best friend, and I could totally do without this job, but I don't know what I would do without you."

Quinn's arms wrapped around Rachel's waist. She lowered her head so her forehead pressed against Rachel's. "Really?"

"Of course," Rachel whispered. "I've known you since you were born, kiddo. You mean so much to me."

Quinn's arms tightened around Rachel's waist. "I'm not a kid anymore."

"You'll always be a kid to me," Rachel murmured tenderly. "I'll always want to take care of you, kiddo."

Quinn was very precious to her and Rachel just wanted to convey how she would sincerely always be there for Quinn.

Quinn's shoulders slumped and she pulled away from Rachel.

"Are you okay?" Rachel asked, concerned, peering at Quinn.

"I'm not a kid," Quinn whispered again.

Rachel laughed quietly. "I know," she murmured. "It's just that you'll always be a kid to me." She smiled broadly. "Won't I always be Noah's dorky big sister to you?"

Quinn's gaze lowered. "I guess," she whispered quietly.

\--

With Rachel signed on as a series regular on Quinn's show for the forthcoming season, she had limited options for the hiatus. But she was offered to play Eponine in Les Miserables for a 10 week stint-- the producers wanted it to be longer, but of course, she didn't have that long and they felt 10 weeks was better than nothing.

Her first night was Eponine, she was so anxious, she threw up. Quinn held her hair back as she rested on her knees and vomited into the toilet

"Come on," Quinn crooned soothingly. "You weren't like this on our show-- and it was on the same stage."

"I'm playing Eponine," Rachel choked out as she heaved into the toilet. "I didn't have to follow Lea Salonga! I originated Lissar! Everyone is going to compare," she wailed. "What if I choke? What if I'm a failure face?"

Quinn smoothed Rachel's hair. "Shut up, you'll be fine. You'll be great."

Rachel pulled away and sat back on her butt. She swiped her fist across her mouth. "I don't want to suck."

"You could never suck," Quinn whispered sincerely. ""You were born for Broadway. You will go _so_ far, Rach. You're going to win, like, a million Tony awards. You're going to win a million awards. You're going to be an EGOT winner like, fifty billion times."

Rachel chuckled. "Even I know that is excessive."

"No," Quinn murmured. "Not for you." She wrapped her arm around Rachel's shoulders and pulled Rachel close, not seeming to care that Rachel was, just moments before, gross and vomitty. "I have faith in you."

"I'm all gross," Rachel protested quietly.

"No, you aren't," Quinn whispered. She kissed Rachel's temple. "You're amazing and you're going to be an amazing Eponine. People are going to talk about how amazing you are until the end of time."

Rachel laughed softly. "You flatterer," she chided gently. "Why are you always so nice to me, huh?"

"I'm your biggest fan, Rach. I always have been," Quinn said honestly.

Rachel swallowed hard and she rested her head against Quinn's. "If Finn had been as supportive as you, maybe he and I could have made it," she sighed quietly.

Quinn stiffened. "Yeah, I guess," she said flatly.

Rachel pulled away and eyed Quinn, perplexed by the change in her friend's demeanor. "Are you okay? What's wrong? What did I say? You seem…angry."

"Nothing, I'm fine," Quinn said, her voice emotionless. "I just don't get why you should even think about that guy. He cheated on you and he was not a good husband. I don't understand why you're still so hung up on him. There are plenty of people who would give their left arm to be with you."

"I'm not certain a missing left limb is the draw you seem to think it is," Rachel joked, aiming for levity.

Quinn didn't crack a smile, instead she just seemed to be even more upset. "I'm not some little kid you need to entertain with _jokes_!" she snapped. She scrambled to her feet.

Rachel blinked. "I know that, Quinn," she said, standing up as well. "I just don't understand why you're suddenly so upset. Can you explain it to me?"

"I'm not upset," Quinn muttered, her temper seeming to deflate. "I just don't like the idea of you being so hung up on your douche pickle ex-husband."

"I'm not hung up on him," Rachel protested half-heartedly.

Quinn just stared at her.

"Okay, maybe a little," Rachel amended. "But I've been thinking a lot about it, and I know he and I made better friends than lovers…" Rachel trailed off, distracted by the face Quinn made.

The blonde looked thoroughly grossed out, but she didn't say anything.

"I'm just trying to say," Rachel said softly, "that I'm trying to move on. But that doesn't mean I want to jump into a relationship right now. But I'm open, Quinn, okay? If that's what worries you, please don't. I'm not going to marry myself to my career or join a convent just because Finn left me for some fatty."

Normally, Rachel tried to refrain from making comments about other people's appearance, but she threw in that fatty remark because she knew it would make Quinn laugh.

It worked because Quinn cracked a grin.

"Oh, she was so fat," Quinn agreed enthusiastically. "I bet when she was pregnant, she was just huge."

Rachel nodded sagely. "Yes, a real fatty fatty two by four, can't fit through the door no more."

Quinn just stared at her for a moment and burst into laughter. "I can't believe you know that!"

Rachel cocked her head to the left and stared up at Quinn with a small smile. "I did go to primary school, too, Quinn."

"I know, but you always just seemed to be above it all," Quinn said with a gasp.

"I was," Rachel said breezily. "But I still know a variety of rhyming insults and yo mama jokes."

Quinn giggled, but quickly sobered. "I'm sorry for being awful to you," she said contrite. She looked on the verge of tears. "I don't want to ruin your night-- it's your night and I know you'll be wonderful. You…you…you're the most amazing singer and actress I've ever seen or heard."

Rachel smiled and reached out to tenderly cup Quinn's cheek. "Why are you so good to me?" Rachel would like to believe she was the best singer and actress Quinn had ever seen or heard, but her ego wasn't that inflated and she wasn’t that delusional. But it was heartwarming that Quinn seemed so sincere. But then again, Quinn always had a tendency to view her in the best possible light.

"Because you're my best friend," Quinn said softly without a moment of hesitation. "And you don't deserve anything less than the best."

Rachel laughed quietly. "Why do you think so highly of me?" she murmured.

A long silence followed in which they both seemed lost in thought.

Rachel could admit to herself that she was an egotist-- she thought pretty highly of herself, too. And she really did think of herself as amazing-- she had no qualms about that. It was only hubris if one failed. When one succeeded, it was called ambition and Rachel had ambition for as far back as she could remember.

But it was different with Quinn. Quinn always seemed to have had her on a pedestal and Rachel was terrified of the day Quinn would see her for what she was-- a regular human being, albeit an extraordinarily gifted one, but a human being nonetheless with foibles like anyone else.

She just could not stand the idea of disappointing Quinn, and when Quinn got upset with her out of the blue like she just did, Rachel always worried that Quinn wouldn't want to be friends anymore. For years, Quinn had always been "little Quinn" or "Quinnie," her brother's best friend turned girlfriend turned ex-girlfriend. But now Quinn was her best friend and one of the most important people in her life. She couldn't abide even the thought of Quinn's rejection.

She'd never been very accepted by her peers. She was younger than most of them since her parents enrolled her in kindergarten early, to channel precocious energy and curiosity, so everything always seemed to happen later for her than her peers-- she was the last girl in her class to get breasts, her period, the last to get a driver's license. Even in college, she'd been younger, so she wasn't even able to go into a bar until she was a senior. She'd always been hyperverbal-- she got it from both her parents and she was always desperate for her stepfather's approval, so she studied math and sciences because those were the subjects he valued. She was always successful academically-- to the point that there were multiple discussions in grade school about skipping her a grade, which her parents balked out because she was already suffering socially. Everyone else was always bigger and stronger-- they always seemed to know things that she didn't. Not the sort of things one could look up in a book, but those vital things that other people just seemed to know like how to answer a question in class that didn't make everyone else snicker. Or how to make friends. High school had been bearable only because she had residual popularity from being Taylor's best friend her freshman year.

Rachel still had no idea how that happened-- on the first day of high school, she was getting into the car with her mother and Taylor yelled from across the street, "I'll take Rachel, Ma'am!"

Her mother had been running late anyway and was grateful-- they lived in the McKinley zone, but she taught at Carmel and Rachel just preferred to go to a school where her mother wasn't a teacher. She loved her mother, but she did not cherish the idea of being coached by her mother as a member of Vocal Adrenaline-- she was certain their mother/daughter relationship would not recover from that, and so her mother reluctantly agreed to allow Rachel to attend McKinley.  
Rachel slipped into the front seat of Taylor's Volkswagen Bug and Taylor just looked at her and asked "you sure you're tall enough to ride up here?" and then Taylor laughed and drove her to school. From then on, she was sucked up into Taylor's world and while she loved the popularity initially, she saw that it was much harder than it looked. When Taylor graduated at the end of the school year, it was almost a relief because by then Rachel had learned how to stay under the radar even while she sang in glee club and was a member of the Cheerios.

Quinn finally broke the long silence.

Quinn took a deep breath and looked contemplative. "Do you remember what you used to tell me when we were little?"

"You'll have to be more specific, Quinn. We grew up together and I had many occasions to tell you things."

Quinn rolled her eyes at the response. "You used to tell me that you'd always be on the other side of the street to meet me."

Rachel laughed at the memory-- she hadn't thought about that in years. "Oh yeah, that."

"Yeah, that," Quinn said softly. "You know what my parents were like. I know they love me, but my dad was always working and when he was home, he was usually tired and upset from work, he'd drink too much and just go into his office and pass out for the night in his chair. And you know my mom was a lot like that, too, minus the job. And Taylor…" Quinn smiled wryly. "Taylor probably wished I'd never been born."

"That's not true," Rachel objected. "I know she didn't show it, but she really cared about you. When she left for college, she told me very specifically to watch out for you."

"She did?" Quinn asked quietly.

"Yeah," Rachel said softly. "She did."

"Oh," Quinn whispered. She cleared her throat. "Anyway. It was just kind of nice…it felt really good to know you were just across the street, waiting for me if I needed you. So…you know," Quinn said shyly. "That's why."

Rachel wrapped her arms around Quinn. "You know I'll always be here for you," she murmured. "Even if you can cross the street and take the subway by yourself."

"I know," Quinn said softly. "I just wish you'd…" she trailed off.

"What?" Rachel prompted gently.

"I just wish you would stop looking at me as a kid."

"I really don't," Rachel murmured. "I know you're an adult and I respect that. But we grew up together and I am way older than you--"

"Four years is nothing!"

"Okay, maybe," Rachel conceded. "But I'm older than you and I remember a time when you were in diapers. It's hard for me not to want to protect you, but I _know_ you're an adult. I get that, Quinn. Really and truly. I mean, you're _taller_ than I am."

Quinn cracked a small smile. "I've been taller than you since I was thirteen."

"Hey," Rachel teased. "Knock that off." She hugged Quinn again and kissed her cheek. "I'm going to brush my teeth and get ready, okay?" she asked.

"Okay," Quinn murmured. "I'm going to take my seat. I just know you'll be amazing."

"Come back here after curtain falls, okay?"

"You know I will."

\--

Whenever she performed, a sense of Zen always took over Rachel, and this time was no different.

At the end of the show, she took her bow to thunderous applause and a standing ovation. She grinned triumphantly, her eyes scanning the front row for Quinn, who was cheering hard, just like always. Tomorrow, her mother and brother would be in the audience. A few days after that, her father and stepfather, since even now, her parents couldn't be in the same room without fighting.

But tonight-- tonight belonged to her and Quinn.

If Rachel would let her, Quinn would come to _every_ performance, but Rachel would never dream of demanding that much devotion. But it felt so good to know Quinn would.

She was still in costume and stage make-up when Quinn returned back stage.

Rachel was chatting and cheering with her castmates and there was a definite air of jubilation.

"Quinn!" Rachel crowed upon spotting the blonde who was weaving her way toward Rachel.

"Hi," Quinn said softly, when she reached Rachel. She pulled Rachel into a tight hug. "You were amazing. I told you so."

Quinn's eyes looked red and Rachel's brows immediately furrowed in concern. "Have you been crying? Are you okay?"

"No…yeah…yeah, no," Quinn rambled. "I mean. I'm fine, And no, I wasn't crying." She looked embarrassed.

A broad grin spread across Rachel's face. "Why, Quinn Fabray, did I move you to teeny tiny tears?"

Quinn whapped Rachel on the arm and wiped her hand across her eyes. "Shut up. You were just…you were _really_ good."

Rachel had just been teasing, but the thought that Quinn was moved to tears by her performance made tears well up in her own eyes. "Oh, you're going to make _me_ cry," Rachel said fretfully.

Quinn sniffled. "Well, you _are_ a crybaby."

Rachel swatted at Quinn's arm and laughed. She threw her arm around Quinn's shoulders. "Just give me a moment to clean up, and let's go back to my place and celebrate."

"You don't want to hang out with your castmates? I'm sure there is an after party."

"Tonight I just want you."

Quinn gave her a beaming grin.

\--

Rachel loved applause, attention and adulation as much as any person-- probably more than most people, if she were honest with herself. And she craved it. She was never opposed to a situation which would give her those things.

But when she was with Quinn, she felt all those things and it was in the best possible way. Rachel did not delude herself into believing the people who threw their admiration at her actually knew her. But Quinn did, and despite the occasional skirmish, when she was alone with Quinn, she felt loved and admired.

Rachel knew there could never be anything romantic between them. In her mind, Quinn would always be Noah's girlfriend, and she was certain that a part of Quinn would always view her as Noah's dorky older sister. Even though her view of Quinn was evolving, she was sure Quinn's view of her was static.

And really, she believed what they had was better than any romance.

She rejected the mere thought of anything romantic between her and Quinn. Quinn was Noah's ex-girlfriend. Quinn was Taylor's sister and Taylor had been her best friend in high school. God, when Quinn first moved to New York, Quinn's father called her up to ask her to _please_ watch out for Quinn. There was no way anything could ever be romantic between them-- what kind of pervert would ever fall for a girl who was like a younger sister to her?

So though Rachel knew that the love she shared with Quinn was anything but romantic, it was also certainly better than her marriage with Finn. She felt more loved by Quinn in one night of celebration when Quinn looked at her like celebrating with her was the most important thing in the world than in her entire marriage with Finn.

When she looked at it that way, Rachel knew it was a good thing that her marriage to Finn was over. She wasn't sure when she would have love again, but she knew that she would have higher standards and expectations the next time it came around.

They ordered food and were waiting for it when Rachel's phone rang. Assuming that it was the delivery guy, Rachel answered it without even looking at the caller ID.

"Hello, this is Rachel," she greeted cheerfully.

"Hi Rachel…it's Finn."

Rachel swallowed hard and glanced at Quinn who was looking at her expectantly. "It's…it's Finn," she said.

Quinn scowled. "Tell him to--"

Rachel raised a hand up and walked into her bedroom to speak privately.

"Hi Finn, what's going on?" she asked politely.

"I've been meaning to call you for a while," he said softly. "But I didn't think you'd want to talk to me."

"We were friends before we were husband and wife, Finn. If you have something to say to me, you should feel free to say it."

"First, I wanted to thank you for sending Helen a gift-. You… you didn't have to do that."

"It's customary to mark the birth of a child with a present, Finn," Rachel said. She winced when she realized how cold she sounded and she didn't want to be the bitchy, awful ex-wife. "How did you choose the name Helen?"

"It's Sara's grandmother's name. Her middle name is Drizzle."

Rachel snorted. "I can't believe she agreed to that."

When they used to discuss possible names for their own hypothetical children, Finn used to say he'd want a junior for a boy, and "Drizzle" for a girl, since everyone loves drizzle. It was one of the few times in their marriage that Rachel outright called him an idiot.

"She was kind of drugged at the time."

"Finn Hudson, it is uncouth to take advantage of a drugged woman after she just had your child to name that child something as ridiculous as Drizzle, even as a middle name."

"Sara kind of likes it now. We call her Drizzle."

Rachel shook her head, thinking about how she dodged a bullet with that one. "Is there something else?"

"Yeah," Finn said hurriedly. "I--I've been wanting to say this for a while. I just…I just didn't have the…" he trailed off and Rachel silently filled in the word 'guts' just as he began speaking again. "The time," he said finally. "I wanted to thank you for getting Dave Karofsky to hire me," he said quietly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Rachel lied.

"Rach," Finn said, sounding exasperated. "Come on."

"I really don't."

"I turned in like, four applications for Dave's company," Finn said quietly. "I couldn't even get an interview. And then Dave calls me in and offers me a job? I know I'm not as smart as you are, but I'm not that _stupid_. I know you must have told him to do that. And I…I've been wanting to say thank you. I know this is coming too late, I should have called you a long time ago to thank you. But I…I'm really grateful, Rach. You have no idea how much we needed the money."

"It wasn't about you," Rachel told him. "It was about your baby."

"I know," Finn said quietly. "You…you're great," he said softly. "You were a good wife. I know we had our problems with your career and all--"

"Please don't bring up our marriage, Finn," Rachel cut off. She may have made her mistakes, but she wasn't about to let him excuse ruining their marriage on her career. Her career and ambitions were important to her-- they were crucial to her identity and she never made any secret of that. He knew that going in, and she wasn't about to let him twist it. But she never placed career over him, at least, not in the way he implied.

"Sorry," he apologized. He took a deep breath. "Thank you for being so cool. You…you deserved better. I'm sorry for how things went down between us. You deserved more from me, and I'm sorry."

Tears welled up in Rachel's eyes. "Thank you for saying so."

"You're welcome," Finn murmured.

"Good bye, Finn."

"Bye, Rach."

Rachel hung up and wiped at her eyes. She plastered a huge smile across her face and went back into the living room where Quinn was sitting on the couch. There was a white plastic bag of food on the coffee table which Quinn was getting ready to open.

"The food came? No! I was going to pay for it!" Rachel burst out.

Quinn glanced at her and gave her a small smile. "It's fine. I should be treating you anyway."

"Let me pay you back."

"Don't be an idiot," Quinn said. "Really. It's fine. What did…um, what did _he_ want?"

"Mostly to apologize."

Quinn snorted. "A little late, don't you think?"

"It's never too late to apologize."

"I guess anything can happen," Quinn commented.

"There can be miracles," Rachel agreed sagely.

"Oh no," Quinn groused.

"There can be miracles, when you believe," Rachel sang. "Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill."

Quinn rolled her eyes, unamused.

Rachel threw one hand dramatically in the air. "Who knows what miracles, you can achieve when you believe, somehow you will. You will, when you believe."

With a smile, Rachel pointed at Quinn to take over.

Quinn crossed her arms. "No."

"Oh, come on. You loved that movie when you were little. You used to make me sing this song with you all the time, remember?"

"No," Quinn huffed petulantly, clearly lying. But she remembered it very well because the movie opened on Rachel's birthday, and since she was Noah's friend, she'd gotten to go along to the movie to celebrate. Afterward, Rachel had sang that song in the car ride home and Quinn had been addicted to it. For six months, every time she went over to the Corcoran-Berry house, she'd ask Rachel to sing it. Rachel had indulged Quinn each and every time.

Rachel gave a little grin and continued to sing. "Who knows what miracles, you can achieve, when you believe, somehow you will. They don't always happen when you ask…" Rachel nudged at Quinn's shoulder with her index finger.

Quinn sighed. "And it's easy to give into your fear," she sang, giving in. "But when you're blinded by your faith, can't see your way clear through the rain, a small but still resilient voice says hope is very near…"

Rachel grinned. "There can be miracles, when you believe," she sang.

Quinn rolled her eyes. "I cannot believe you break out into song in your apartment like some tiny woodland creature."

Rachel smiled affectionately, taken over by a feeling of nostalgia. "You were so cute with that movie, do you know that?"

"Yeah," Quinn said wryly with a cocky smile. "I was a pretty cute kid."

"You were the _prettiest_ kid in Lima," Rachel corrected. She smiled. "Let's eat, okay?"

"Okay," Quinn agreed.

It was a sedate way to celebrate by any standard of measurement, but Rachel would not have had it any other way.


	5. Chapter 5

Quinn thought it was highly probable that the world was conspiring against her. How else to explain the fact that she and Rachel were playing former lovers on their show, and of course, because of the very nature of the show's premise, she would have to film these scenes in flashback? It was thrilling in its own way, but it was also frightening _because_ it was so thrilling for her.

She was glad to be back at work-- she was living her dream, and she had Rachel at her side which made it even better.

Rachel had an _amazing_ run as Eponine-- she was the talk of the town and it was easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than it was to get tickets to Les Miserables while Rachel was in it. The ticket prices, even for crappy seats, truly became outrageous, and though it clearly pleased Rachel, it also seemed to unnerve her. She did a round of press interviews for the show, despite the fact it really did not require promotion, and ticket prices was usually a topic and Rachel always seemed embarrassed and genuinely unhappy about the high costs, since she'd always wanted Broadway to be more accessible.

Quinn went to at least one show a week to show her support, but primarily because she just loved to see Rachel perform. Quinn knew without a doubt that Rachel was _born_ to perform. She could understand why people were practically forking over their first born children to get tickets because Rachel was just that good. Rachel got a standing ovation on her last night and Quinn burst into tears of happiness for her friend, crying right alongside her crybaby best friend.

But now that they were back on set, filming, and Quinn knew that this season, one of her major storylines was with Rachel and their characters' back stories with one another.

She never particularly considered herself as being very sexual. She had the normal curiosities as a child with respect to body parts and how they worked, but so much of her childhood had been consumed by a crush on Rachel that her curiosities about sex tended to be very specific curiosities about Rachel.

When she got older and her friendship with Noah slipped into something casually physical, though mixed with genuine emotion, she enjoyed sex physically, but she could never understand why it was such an emotional experience for some people. It was not at all emotional for her and she started to feel like a freak or an automaton, not quite human, because of her inability to really feel sex on an emotional level. Even Noah, who claimed to be a sex shark felt the emotional component of sex that she simply could not feel.

Their relationship had always been unspecified-- no true commitment, though they told their families they were boyfriend and girlfriend to make it simpler. They were both free to be with whom they wanted, though Quinn infrequently availed herself to that opportunity mostly out of a lack of interest rather than some antiquated notion that sex was super special.

But Noah, of course, seized every opportunity he could.

Even if Noah could have sex with multiple people, sometimes in one day, he seemed to genuinely feel something for them. Even if it wasn't love per se, he did feel affection. Quinn always knew which girls he'd slept with because he always treated them better-- more respectfully and courteously, and _not_ simply as a ploy to bed them again. Because other than her, and a few threesomes with her and Santana before Santana and Brittany became exclusive, Noah rarely slept with the same girl twice.

Quinn had a few one-night stands in high school and college, and though each of them seemed to want to build on that, Quinn was completely indifferent to the idea. And even with Noah, she valued him more now as Rachel's brother than anything else-- and he'd seen her naked.

Sex was no big deal to her, and she was proud of her body-- she worked hard to maintain it, so she had no hang-ups or embarrassments in that arena. She never dated anyone other than Noah and though she loved him, she did not love him the way a girl was supposed to love her boyfriend.

She did not value sex the way other people valued sex, and yet the idea of simulating sex in a scene with Rachel, even one that wasn't meant to be graphic, was nerve-wracking. She'd filmed other sex scenes before for the show, and she knew there was nothing sexy about filming a sex scene. At all. Not with the orders being barked around, the bright lights and the people standing around, staring in a clinical 'is this going to make a good shot?' sort of way.

But she suspected it would be different with Rachel-- just the way things were always different when it came to Rachel. And the first sex scene they would film together was no ordinary sex scene-- their characters were losing their virginities to one another.

When the day finally came, the set was closed down only to essential people and it was her and Rachel, dressed up as Lily and Andrea in a bed on a set meant to simulate Lily's high school bedroom.

In setting up, Quinn felt some of her fears diminish--maybe filming a sex scene with Rachel would be just like filming a sex scene with anyone else.

But then the cameras started rolling and it was just her and Rachel-- everything else slipped away and she was left with a girl she'd loved before she even understood what that meant.

Rachel laid on top of her, her face hovering over Quinn's.

"I love you so much, Lil," Rachel-as-Andrea whispered. Rachel tenderly kissed Quinn's temple and traced a finger across Quinn's eyebrow.

Tears welled up in Quinn's eyes. This was off script because Andrea was more apt to cry than Lily.

"Lil? Are you okay, baby?" Rachel asked, ad-libbing.

Rachel was speaking as Andrea, but Quinn could hear that she was actually concerned. A soft hand brushed against Quinn's cheek, wiping her tears away, and then Rachel gently cupped Quinn's cheek, peering intently into her eyes. "Baby?"

Quinn blinked away her tears and looked away, unable to look Rachel in the eyes in that moment. She sniffled and wiped at her eyes. "I just really love you…Andi," she whispered quietly.

Not once in her real life had she ever been so overwhelmed during sex (or before and after) that she got teary-eyed and now here she was ready to cry just because she was filming a sex scene with Rachel. It was pathetic.

Rachel smiled hugely and kissed Quinn's temple again. "I love you, too," she murmured. As dictated in the script, she began to trail kisses down the side of Quinn's face until she was kissing and gently sucking on Quinn's neck.

Unable to stop herself, Quinn released a small gasp and shut her eyes. She let herself get lost in the moment and she allowed herself to pretend for just a second that this was real. Her hand reached out to touch Rachel's face.

"Cut," Bryan shouted. "Quinn, you're blocking Rachel's face on camera with your hand and we need both your faces in the shot. Touch the _other_ side of her face!"

Rachel started laughing. "Trying to steal my thunder, Quinn?" she teased. She buried her face into Quinn's shoulder, her body heaving with laughter.

On instinct, Quinn began stroking Rachel's hair, she sighed quietly when that seemed to just make Rachel burrow in.

"Let's do it again, nice work, girls."

\--

Their next take ran a little smoother until Quinn nearly gave Rachel a concussion.

Quinn was supposed to gently roll Rachel off her so she could reverse their positions, but when she did so, she rolled Rachel so that her head smacked, hard, into the headboard.

"Oh no!" Quinn cried out. She scrambled to sit up and pull Rachel into her arms. She kissed Rachel's head where it smacked into the headboard several times. "I'm so sorry!"

"Cut!" Bryan shouted.

Rachel was already giggling and once Quinn saw that Rachel was okay, she began giggling too, burying her face into Rachel's hair. Everyone else on set followed suit.

"I'm sorry, Rach."

"It's okay," Rachel soothed. "Don't worry about it."

Quinn was _mortified_ and wished she could melt on the spot.

"Let's try that again, and Quinn, try not to maim Rachel. We're on a tight schedule."

The very few people on set exploded into laugher again and Rachel made a face but genially blew a kiss. "Bryan McCall, it's very nice to hear that you are so concerned for my welfare," Rachel called out.

Everyone laughed again and Quinn wished that a natural disaster or _something_ would hit. She was still so embarrassed.

\--

Rachel was tender and solicitous while they filmed despite being reassured multiple times that it wasn't _actually_ Quinn's first time-- it wasn't even Quinn's first sex scene. It became sort of a joke on set, over which Rachel defended herself by saying "we grew up together! She's like my little sister!" which was a bad idea because their nicknames became "Appalachia" (Rachel) and "Ozarks" (Quinn) for the three days it took to finish that scene.

After they wrapped on the last day, Rachel held her hand out for Quinn to take.

"Well, that was kind of awkward," she said with a grin. "Want to have dinner? I kind of feel like I should at least buy you dinner. It would seem very poor form not to do so."

Quinn laughed softly. "Sure."

\--

They ducked into a tiny hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurant which apparently had a small karaoke machine. Once they finished eating, Rachel cajoled Quinn into plugging some money into the karaoke machine to sing with her.

"Come on," Rachel wheedled. "You have to sing 'If There was No You' soon anyway. Give me a little preview."

Quinn rolled her eyes. She loved that the younger version of her character was an optimistic hipster type who was really into music and art-- many of her flashback scenes involved her singing and Quinn enjoyed the opportunity. She still met regularly with the vocal coach Rachel recommended, and she planned to one day to audition for larger roles on Broadway to really test herself out. But it was one thing to sing with Rachel in the studio for the show and it was a whole other thing when it was between the two of them, even with a restaurant full of onlookers.

"I doubt that this place has Brandi Carlile on its karaoke machine."

"Maybe not," Rachel conceded. "But what about something else?"

"Only if you will," Quinn shot back, before she remembered who she was talking to, because of _course_ Rachel was more than willing to sing karaoke-- it was her idea. And anyway, she was apt to break out into song just because-- she was practically a woodland creature. But now she'd basically been challenged and she wouldn't back down.

"With pleasure," Rachel said, walking over to the machine and flipping through the song choice book. She beamed when she found a song that she liked and put some cash into the machine. "This is for Quinn," she said, before blowing Quinn a kiss.

Within seconds, the restaurant was filled with the opening bars to Queen's "You're my Best Friend."

Quinn snorted and shook her head, but she flashed a wide smile at Rachel and cheered loudly when Rachel finished and took a small bow.

Quinn knew people were taking pictures and videos of them-- Rachel was a bona fide Broadway star and they were both starring together in a very popular TV show, but Quinn didn't care. It wasn't a very crowded restaurant and she and Rachel weren't doing anything scandalous. They weren't even drinking alcohol. They were just having a good time and Quinn was not ashamed of that.

Quinn got up and threw her arms around Rachel in a tight hug and pulled the microphone away. She wasn't sure what she would sing, but Rachel was giving her the you-owe-me-a-song look and Quinn knew she could not deny her.

There were plenty of songs she could use to tell Rachel how she felt, but Quinn knew she could never do that without changing everything. And she didn't want to risk it. And even if she could, she didn't want to be one of those assholes in a karaoke bar that changed the mood of the bar. This wasn't really a bar, but she wasn't about to follow up Rachel's song with some heartfelt ballad. After all, when Rachel went out to karaoke and everyone was singing songs by hair metal bands, she didn't bust out with the soundtrack to _Chicago_

Quinn looked through the karaoke options and was surprised to find that Brandie Carlile was indeed an option. But she breezed on and found, to her pleasant surprise, that there were a number of Magnetic Fields songs. She put in some money and grinned insouciantly at Rachel before the opening bars to "Andrew in Drag" started up.

The crowd was hooting, cheering and laughing along while Quinn sang and hammed it up, primarily for Rachel's benefit. Quinn was gratified that she seemed to be getting better at working a crowd, because they were really responding to her, but she only had eyes for Rachel and she was thrilled to see that Rachel looked _delighted_.

Once she was done, Rachel ran up to her, squealing. She was so excited, she overestimated the distance between them and ended up knocking into Quinn, throwing the blonde slightly off balance. "That was _amazing_!" Rachel cheered. She grabbed Quinn and hugged her, rocking her to-and-fro.

Quinn rolled her eyes at the display. It was so embarrassing, but she had to admit that she was practically delirious from Rachel's attention. Rachel's adoration could make a person feel ten feet tall-- it was dizzying, all that sweet affirmation.

"Now we have to do a duet!"

'Oh, dear God,' Quinn thought. The things this girl could do to her.

But she let herself be talked into a duet anyway. They looked through the book and came across Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston-- 'When You Believe', but Rachel put her hand over Quinn's and shook her head.

"That's just for us," Rachel murmured.

Quinn couldn't help the broad grin that took over her face. "Yeah," she agreed.

They ultimately settled on the Sinatra duet, "Something Stupid," with her taking the Nancy part and Rachel taking the Frank part.

Rachel hammed it up, while she sang. Her voice was impeccable, but she made silly faces at Quinn and when she sang, "and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you," she crooned, as she peered deeply into Quinn's eyes, reaching up to palm the side of Quinn's face.

Quinn followed suit, but what she really thought was how apt that song really could be for her.

\--

They sang a few more songs and graciously signed a few autographs and took a few pictures with the patrons and employees and owners of the restaurant. They'd both enjoyed the food immensely, so neither objected to the owners' request to put their pictures up on the wall.

Quinn lived very close by, and so Rachel offered to walk her home.

"It's okay," Quinn said. "Really. It's not far. You should grab a taxi and get home."

Rachel made a face. "Quinn, we only live six blocks apart. I'll walk. I'll need the exercise after all that food. Please allow me to walk you home."

Quinn chuckled softly. "Okay," she said, happy for Rachel's company. She linked their arms together as they walked the three blocks to Quinn's apartment.

Once they reached Quinn's door, Rachel watched as Quinn unlocked the door. Waiting until it was open and Quinn turned on a light in her apartment, Rachel smiled.

"Okay," Rachel murmured. "I'll see you tomorrow," she said. She reached for Quinn's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "You were amazing today," she said. "I really believed that you were in love with me," Rachel said with a laugh. "Well, that Lily was in love with Andi. You're an amazing actress, Quinn," Rachel said sincerely. "I had the best day today working with you. I could have been naked in front of a million people and I would have felt okay because I had you with me." Rachel ducked her head and smiled shyly. "I feel really safe with you," she said earnestly.

Quinn forced a smile. Sometimes, she hated Rachel for her obliviousness, for saying things like _that_ which _hurt_ more than Quinn could ever adequately convey. Rachel constantly stomped on her heart and didn't even know it. It was stupid and self-defeating to be so upset when Rachel said things like that because it was always so kind-- but it just _killed_ her. But then Rachel would do small things like, saying her name at the end of a sentence for no apparent reason, because duh, Quinn _knew_ Rachel was addressing her, so why say her name if it wasn't for clarification or specificity? And God, Quinn _loved_ the way Rachel said her name-- it just stirred something in her. And she loved the way Rachel looked at her and sometimes when Rachel smiled up at her, Quinn felt like maybe Rachel felt something for her, too, something _other_ than sororal friendship.

"I feel really safe with you, too," Quinn said hoarsely. "You were so great. I--I feel really lucky that I get to work with you again."

Rachel grinned at her-- her smile was so sincere and toothy, it made Quinn's heart ache. Rachel looked about fifteen years old when she smiled like that and it only reminded Quinn how long she'd yearned in vain for this girl. Quinn didn't even know how she could stop. She could appreciate an attractive person, but so far, no one, male or female, other than Rachel, had ever made her heart beat harder in her chest, stole her ability to breathe or create a pain that hit inside her somewhere between her belly and her throat. No one other than Rachel invoked feelings inside of her that ran this deeply.

They gazed at one another in silence for a little while, just smiling at one another.

"Do you want to come in?" Quinn asked quietly.

"I shouldn't," Rachel murmured. "I'm just going to head home and get some sleep."

"Okay," Quinn said, clearly disappointed. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Rachel said with a warm smile and an equally warm hug.

\--

The next few weeks of filming were intense. Quinn found that it was emotionally difficult to balance between her current scenes and flashback scenes. In both, it was obvious that her character was in love with Rachel's character, even if there was some break-up that had yet to be touched upon.

Since the show was so new, and each season only took place over the span of a few weeks, no one's character was fully developed yet even well into the second season. But as far as Quinn knew, Lily and Andrea had been best friends turned lovers in high school. But they had already been broken up by the time Lily received her terminal diagnosis at the age of twenty-seven because it was revealed through flashbacks that Andrea was engaged to a man she'd been dating for five years. Lily and Andrea were still best friends, but after receiving the diagnosis, Lily fled, leaving Andrea behind. And of course, Rachel's guest arc on the show in the first season started with Andrea's search for Lily and their reunion inside Lily's hospice.

The scenes in which Lily and Andrea were adults were always the most intense for Quinn, because both characters were so _angry_. It was easy to figure out that Andrea was angry at Lily for leaving, and of course, Lily was angry at the world because she was young and dying just when her life was stable and going really well. But she was also angry, very specifically, at Andrea and those reasons while touched upon, had yet to be explored. But still, it was so _obvious_ these characters were in love with one another and Quinn knew that her character would have to be killed off eventually-- they all would because of the premise of the show. New actors would come in playing other terminally ill patients and no one was really safe except for the first-billed star of the show who played the head doctor who ran the hospice.

Quinn just really wanted to know everything that happened between Lily and Andrea and she felt a little ridiculous that she was so invested. It didn't take a psychologist to tell her she was using the characters as a proxy for her and Rachel and she wasn't so crazy and so far gone that she mistook herself for Lily or Rachel for Andrea. But she just wanted _someone_ to have a happy ending.

Morosely, she thought how unlikely it was for her to ever have Rachel or for Lily to have a happy ending considering she was terminally ill. Whatever was in store for her or her character, Quinn was fairly certain it wasn't riding off into the sunset with the person she loved.

God damn it, she blamed the steady diet of romantic movies with implausibly happy endings she grew up with because Rachel loved them so much for her unrealistic desires. Yet another thing for which she could blame Rachel.

\--

Filming was intense and draining, and not just because of the 12 hour days. Her character's primary storyline was with Rachel's character, but her character was also now trying to make peace with herself and her loved ones. Quinn thought about what she would do in the same position, and she honestly had no idea.

One of her costars played a young wife and mother to three very small children and Quinn cried any time she watched Megan film a scene. And the child actors hired to play Megan's children were painfully cute and just _really_ good.

Working on a show where most of the characters were at the end of their lives-- sometimes very young lives, meant that each character dealt with reconciling with regrets and Quinn was sometimes paralyzed by the idea that she would have nothing but regrets at the end of her life.

Watching Megan cry about her regret that her young children would grow up without a mother and curse God for giving her children only to not allow her to watch them grow up moved Quinn to tears. And it made Quinn think about her own fears that she would never find someone to love, would never have children who would cuddle up against her and call her Mommy. She was scared that she would never feel a child in her arms. She worried sometimes that she was going to spend her whole life alone.

She'd been so invested for her entire life in someone who'd never been available and she had to admit there was a small part of her that was hoping that this storyline would bring her and Rachel together. Romances happened all the time between costars, didn't it? She knew she needed to forget about Rachel and just start meeting people and accepting dates so she wouldn't end up some aged cat lady while Rachel went off and married some blandly cute douche pickle again. But she couldn't help it-- she kept herself available based on the frail hope that one day, Rachel would just _look_ at her. Really look at her.

\--

After one particularly grueling day and night of filming, Rachel followed Quinn back to her apartment, since Quinn's was closer.

They didn't even bother with eating dinner or washing up. They just collapsed together on the couch.

This was a pretty regular thing now, and Quinn thought back to the days when they worked together on her first Broadway show. Back then, they'd used to do the same thing with one another, but since they now worked together so closely in such intimate scenes, the almost invasive familiarity their characters shared had bled out into their real life. They played these roles so many hours of the day, they lived more as their fictional counterparts than themselves, and this had made both of them a little freer with one another in their own lives.

Rachel snuggled into Quinn, her breath tickling Quinn's neck. "I blame you for this," she mumbled.

Quinn laughed. "And why is that?"

"It's your fault I am on this show and consequently endured this truly horrendous day."

Quinn laughed and nudged Rachel with her elbow. "You loved it, you were born for it."

Rachel had recorded a song for the episode the prior week. Andrea, in her current form, serenaded Lily, who was getting sicker. The gesture did not have its hoped-for effect and the episode was emotionally draining and filled with a lot of technical medical jargon which was always the most difficult part for both of them since it was fairly complex and frequently unpronounceable.

It was an absolutely exhausting day.

"Maybe I did," Rachel admitted grudgingly. "But that doesn't mean I'm any less tired, you vile, horrible woman."

Quinn pouted. "Don't say that, you don't mean that."

"Yes, I do," Rachel said immediately. "You are a horrible, vile woman," she said, sitting up. She smiled down at Quinn and brushed away some hair away from Quinn's face. "You just have this exquisite face," she murmured, her fingers gently caressing Quinn's cheek. "And of course, you are very, very important to me so I don't notice when you do horrible, vile things like getting me a job on a very popular TV show that is making me comfortably wealthy _and_ bringing me critical acclaim with challenging material and still allowing me to _sing_. Yes, you are just so horrible and vile," Rachel murmured. She smiled. "You are just absolutely ruining my life, aren't you?" she teased, kissing Quinn's temple. "Because not only are you the most supportive person in my life, but you also did wonders for my career. Horrible little thing."

"I didn't get you the job," Quinn said softly. "They wanted you. Bryan practically begged me to bring you on."

Rachel smiled crookedly. "Not the way I'm going to remember it," she murmured. She smiled fondly and she began to play with Quinn's hair. "I know it can't go on like this forever," she said with a wistful smile. "Sometimes I miss the stage-- it's my first true love, you know."

"I know," Quinn said quietly.

"But all this, being able to work with you like this has been so wonderful," Rachel said. "I know I keep saying it's amazing, but I don't have any other words to describe how I feel. I think… this is going to be the best time I'll ever have in my career."

"Don't say that," Quinn objected. "You're going to win, like, a trillion awards."

Rachel laughed and picked up Quinn's hand, raising it to her lips and kissing Quinn's palm. "I hope so," she said with an easy smile. "In fact, I know I'll win an EGOT, multiple times over," she said confidently. "But this experience, with you…" she sighed softly. "I never dreamed it would be like this."

Quinn swallowed hard.

She's had daydreams and fantasies of Rachel declaring her love for her, and each of them started out like this, with Rachel being all soft, sweet and verbose but not saying the one thing Quinn wanted to hear…drawing it out.

"Like what?" Quinn prompted softly.

"Like this, with you," Rachel said, not clarifying _anything_ as far as Quinn was concerned. "To work on a successful show with good people, to have my best friend at my side, knowing exactly how hard and just how unglamorous it is. I never have to explain anything to you, you just get it. I just..." Rachel sniffled, clearly becoming emotional. "I've always dreamt of being disgustingly successful, and of course, as we all know, I'm well on my way."

Quinn laughed and rolled her eyes. The _audacity_ of this girl, sometimes. But it was exactly like Rachel said-- it was only hubris if one failed. If one succeeded, it was ambition.

"But a part of me always thought of success as being lonely," Rachel continued. "And since I have you…" Rachel trailed off. "I'm never lonely."

It was quiet for a long moment, and it was Rachel who broke the silence.

"Before you came to New York, I had friends, but I always felt like I had to watch my back around them. We were all competing for the same roles, going on the same auditions. But I always felt like you were sincerely happy for me."

"I was," Quinn said quietly. "I was so proud of you. I'm proud of you _now_ ," she amended.

"I don't know what I'd do without you," Rachel whispered. "You are…" Rachel sighed. "My best friend."

"You're my best friend, too," Quinn said softly. She shifted so she laid her head in Rachel's lap and she gazed up at the brunette. Quinn couldn't remember ever being this vulnerable with someone. She kind of thought it was the equivalent to a dog rolling on its back and showing someone its belly. Quinn didn't want to overthink it, but she thought that the metaphor of her as Rachel's dog wasn't so far off the mark. She knew Rachel could treat her in any manner she wanted, and she would still go back.

Rachel smiled tenderly down at her. "I honestly thank God for you," she admitted softly.

Rachel's father was Jewish, as was her mother. But her maternal grandfather was Catholic, and so Shelby had grown up celebrating both Hanukah and Christmas. Shelby extended the same tradition to her own children, and so when Quinn was growing up, the Corcoran-Berry and Fabray families always exchanged a generic 'family' gift around Christmas, and then each of the children would receive specific gifts from the other family. She and Taylor had Christmas stockings hanging in the Corcoran-Berry family's fireplace for as long as she could remember, just like Rachel and Noah always had stockings hanging in her family's fireplace.

"God has always been really important in my life," Rachel said seriously. "You know, because my parents were Jewish but my mom also grew up Catholic, so you know how we went to both services." Rachel looked a little embarrassed as she laughed. "I know that's just called an interfaith union, but I'd like to create some kind of terminology that has a double entendre like…bifaithful."

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Rachel, that's so lame."

"I know," Rachel said with a grin. "Anyway. God has always been important to me. Perhaps not as important to me as He is for a rabbi or a nun, but still, really important. My parents taught me to be thankful for the good things in my life and…"Rachel trailed off. She bit down on her lower lip and curled a lock of Quinn's hair around her finger. "I mean, when you're young, friends are everything, but not everyone is lucky to have a really good best friend, if you know what I mean."

"I know exactly what you mean," Quinn whispered.

Growing up, her male best friend had been Noah, who would have slept with her mother if her mother had permitted it, good _God_ and her female best friend was Santana, who defended her so fiercely, she would have shanked anyone who looked at Quinn cross-eyed, but was also highly likely to try to steal her boyfriend-- which Santana tried once. Although really, she and Noah never gave themselves the title of 'boyfriend and girlfriend,' it was just what they presented to the world, since it was easier than 'unspecified romantic relationship,' so Quinn found herself unable to get angry when Santana and Noah slept together a few times without her.

"Good friends are important," Quinn added quietly.

"Exactly," Rachel murmured. "When I married Finn, I thought that was going to be it for me. I was so naïve," Rachel said with a self-deprecating chuckle. "I thought as long as I had Finn, I didn't really need a family or friends…even with my career, I thought no matter what happened in my career, I would be okay if I had Finn…and the family I planned to create with him further down the line." She tilted her head back and gazed up at the ceiling. "I was such an idiot," she said ruefully. "I don't know how I would have made it through without you," she said quietly as she turned to face Quinn again. "You taught me the value of a really good friend and I…I thank God for you every night. Because I don't think I would have made it through without you." Rachel swallowed hard. "I just thought you should know."

Quinn swallowed visibly, and though she wanted to look away because Rachel's eyes held _so_ much emotion, it was difficult for her heart to take, she held Rachel's gaze. She reached up with one hand to touch Rachel's face. She let out a shaky breath.

It was moments like these that _hurt_ when Rachel seemed like maybe she reciprocated the feelings Quinn had and everything would be like out of some silly romantic comedy.

Rachel was practically screaming "I love you."

But Quinn got the sense that Rachel meant it as "I love you like a sister."

Quinn's voice quivered. "I'm really grateful to God for bringing you into my life," she whispered.

Rachel smiled slowly, widely. She bent down and kissed Quinn on the forehead.

They didn't say anything else, and they must have fallen asleep, because Quinn woke up the next morning when the sun began to stream in through her living room window.

They got up and dragged their tired bodies around, taking quick, separate showers and then left for the set.

\--

Quinn got to see how the episodes came together before they aired. The cast was given special previews, and she had to admit, she was extremely proud of how it all came together. There were scenes she could remember filming when she'd been very exasperated by Bryan's direction, but once she saw how it all came together, it made total sense.

Quinn was happy with the way the storyline was being promoted by the network as well, it wasn't titillating at all.

Once the episodes aired, the storyline got a lot of press, primarily because neither character was explicitly gay and both were being portrayed as bisexual, or as a column on AfterEllen put it, "genuinely bisexual." Over all, everyone seemed to be okay with it and no one other than the usual Focus on Family type groups were expressing any problems with it. Even dogmatic websites like After Ellen, which always found something to criticize, praised the storyline overall.

Quinn and Rachel both hated AfterEllen, so they refused to give any interviews to the website. But they gave interviews to nearly every other gay publication that asked from the large ones like the Advocate to miniscule ones like some teenager's blog from the middle of Oklahoma.

But what was completely unexpected was all the speculation that she and Rachel were dating. Some of the speculation embarrassed her, like comments by reporters on the way she looked at Rachel during interviews while they talked about the storyline. She had no idea she was so transparent. Every time someone asked them if they were dating, she always responded "don't be ridiculous," silently adding the 'I WISH,' while Rachel laughed like it was the biggest joke on the planet and said, "Quinn and I grew up together, she's basically like my kid sister."

And it always came down to that-- no matter what Rachel said about respecting Quinn as an adult, it always came down to the fact that Rachel saw her as a _kid_.

It broke Quinn's heart every time Rachel said "Quinn and I grew up together, she's basically like my kid sister" and it was basically her stock response any time they were asked "are you two dating?" and they were asked that _a lot_.

And then one day, they were asked in an interview "does it every feel awkward to have such romantic and intimate scenes with someone whom you essentially consider a sister?"

Quinn had responded with a flat and succinct "no," because she did not consider Rachel as a sister at all. It was awkward, but not for the reason the interviewer asked and she wasn't about to give an honest answer to that question or expound and clarify.

But Rachel turned her head toward Quinn, smiled and grabbed Quinn's hand. "No," Rachel said softly. "Quinn is my best friend and I think she's my soulmate and the love of my life. There's nothing romantic between us the way everyone believes there is, but what I have with Quinn goes way beyond that." She laughed wryly. "Quinn takes care of me," she said. She suddenly looked lost in thought. "When I'm with her I feel like…you know when you're a child and your parents put you to bed and you fall asleep right away because you know your dad will chase away any burglars and your mom checked under your bed and in your closet for monsters? That's what acting with Quinn is like for me. I trust her completely. I would put my life in her hands and I know that's what a person is supposed to do with someone they're dating and truly in love, but most of us don't do that, do we? We hold onto our inhibitions and fears…" she trailed off. "I can let go as much as I possibly can with Quinn, that's how much I trust her and feel safe with her. And that's why this storyline is easy for me and not awkward at all. I know she will take care of me. And I think I'd rather act out a sex scene with Quinn than have actual sex," she said. She laughed self-deprecatingly, and blushed, like she couldn't believe she just said that, and then tilted her head in consternation, toward Quinn. "Is that weird?"

It was obvious the interviewer had no idea what to do with that.

Quinn beamed at her and squeezed Rachel's hand which was still holding onto hers. She gazed tenderly at her friend. "No, it's not weird at all," she assured quietly. "I feel the same way."

After that, the topic turned more into the logistics of their sex scenes, both in the flashback scenes which were never graphic, respectful of the fact the characters were teenagers and then as adults in the show's current timeline when Andrea and Lily finally reconciled and rekindled their romance.

Quinn and Rachel agreed that there was nothing romantic about filming a sex scene, considering that so many people were involved in filming, even when the set was closed down to essential personnel only. And of course, they made the obligatory statements they were advised to make like "she just knows to cover up the flabby, untoned parts of my body and I trust her to make me look good." It was pretty standard industry spiel when discussing sex scenes-- downplaying the sex, exalting the costar. And of course, exalting Rachel was supremely simple for Quinn.

After that, people who cared about the issue seemed to fall into two camps: the first camp was absolutely certain that they were a couple and the other camp was absolutely certain that they were basically sisters.

Rachel, of course, took it in stride. She thought it was hilarious.

\--

One day, Taylor called her out of the blue to announce she was getting married.

She and her sister weren't especially close, but they did keep each other updated on basic details in their lives and Taylor _never_ mentioned that she was serious about anyone enough to want to marry him.

Taylor was 32 already and their parents were convinced she was a lesbian since she was never serious about any guy long enough to want to marry him. She'd been proposed to on several occasions-- twice spontaneously by strangers. But she'd never seemed inclined to get married. Taylor always said it was because she was having too much fun, but Quinn suspected that Taylor just didn't want a marriage like their parents, which Quinn thought was pretty fair. It wasn't that their parents' marriage was awful, but it wasn't ideal and the only other model they had for marriage other than their own parents were the Corcoran-Berry marriage, which was just as bad as their parents' marriage in its own way.

The decision for Taylor to get married was apparently pretty spontaneous.

The guy sounded decent enough, but their parents were _furious_.

They'd only known each other two weeks.

\--

Quinn begged Rachel to go with her to the wedding as her date. There were other people Quinn could ask to go with her as a favor, but Rachel was her best friend and this seemed to fall firmly under the purview of 'best friend.' In actuality, the entire Corcoran-Berry family was invited to the wedding, considering how long the families had known each other, but because the wedding was such short notice, only Rachel's schedule permitted attendance. Quinn used this as another point with which to convince Rachel to attend, since _someone_ needed to represent Rachel's family, it might as well be Rachel herself.

Rachel disagreed.

"I think it'd just be really awkward. Taylor and I haven't talked since Finn and I got married when she told me I was being stupid."

"Well, I think we can all agree now that you kind of were," Quinn said, trying to cajole Rachel into changing her mind.

"Quinn, that is not the right way to convince me."

"Well, I was just saying. Come on, it'll be fine," Quinn wheedled.

Rachel sighed. "Fine, I'm actually curious to see what sort of dirty hipster savage your sister is marrying."

"What would make you think my sister is marrying a guy like that?"

Rachel raised an eyebrow. "What sort of guy wants to marry a girl after only two weeks? Maybe he needs a green card." Her eyes widened playfully. "What if he's undocumented…what if he's…" she gasped dramatically. "Canadian?!"

Quinn snorted. "He's not Canadian. That was the first thing my dad asked."

Rachel eyed her skeptically. "The very first thing your dad asked your sister was if her fiancé is Canadian?"

"Well, not Canadian specifically. He asked her if this was a green card marriage. Apparently it's not."

"Canadians are sneaky and they can pass very easily as Americans. I remain dubious."

"I'm sure Taylor would appreciate that, Rach," Quinn said dryly.

Rachel gave her an impish grin. "We're going halfsies on the gift, right?"

"Sure," Quinn said with a laugh.

Rachel looked thoughtful. "Maybe he's some type of oil baron."

Quinn raised a perfectly arched eyebrow. "Oil baron?"

"Sure," Rachel said. "Or maybe a rice baron."

"The Red Baron," Quinn offered.

"Snoopy?" Rachel asked, for clarity.

Quinn grinned. "No, the frozen pizza company."

Rachel practically squealed with delight. This girl could break the sound barrier. "It would be hilarious to me if your sister is marrying the scion of some frozen pizza company."

"I think it would be funnier if Taylor marries someone in that Snoopy getup. Imagine the wedding pictures?" Quinn joked.

Rachel laughed. "And Tay can dress up as Amelia Earhart!"

Quinn pretended to look disapproving. "That's just going a little too far. Amelia Earhart's disappearance was a national tragedy."

Rachel pouted, staring at Quinn in disbelief until Quinn cracked a huge grin.

Laughing hard, Rachel grabbed Quinn in a tight hug and kissed the blonde's cheek. "Let's go shopping for dresses!"

\--

Quinn was the maid of honor, but Taylor was nonchalant about Quinn's duties since the wedding was basically taken care of already. Taylor didn't even care about Quinn's maid of honor dress as long as it wasn't white, black, beige or red. That proved to be more frustrating, because having no real rules to play by with regard to a wedding was actually nerve-wracking. She didn't want her sister to hate the dress she picked out and then blame her for ruining wedding photos.

God, was her sister _insane_  
\--

The wedding was a week later and Quinn and Rachel flew out to Chicago where Taylor and her fiancé were holding the wedding and Taylor fully approved of Quinn's dress-- she didn't even seem to care.

It turned out Rachel was wrong. Taylor's fiancé, was hunky and clean-cut, an _actual_ FBI agent called David. He was not a dirty hipster savage, and he was definitely not Canadian. He wasn't any kind of baron either, oil, rice, Red or otherwise.

Taylor seemed to light up when Rachel followed Quinn into the hotel room where their mother was helping her get prepped.

It was kind of insulting, but Taylor hugged Rachel first, holding her tightly.

"I'm sorry we broke up," Taylor joked. "I just never liked that guy. I thought he was all wrong for you."

Rachel laughed. "It's all water under the bridge now," she said with a small smile. "And I think maybe you were kind of right." She squeezed Taylor's hand. "Just tell me your guy is a good guy."

"He is," Taylor murmured. "I waited all this time just for him."

\--

Even though Quinn was initially wary, she found that she really liked David. He had kind of a quirky, off-beat sense of humor, and he hit it off right away with Rachel, who was definitely a weirdo, though not exactly in a way that was easily definable as "hipster weirdo," "serial killer weirdo," "dred-locked weirdo" or "socially awkward weirdo." She was the sort of weirdo that Googled 'craniofacial deformities' when she was bored on set. One could never tell if she was staring at her phone because she was fascinated by a particularly disfiguring craniofacial deformity, or if she was staring at pictures of cute baby animals because she was on a I-want-a-puppy-or-a-teacup-piglet kick again.

The wedding ceremony was beautiful, especially considering that it'd basically been scrambled together at the very last moment.

And from the way Taylor was guzzling libations at the reception, it was clear that she wasn't pregnant, which was the most popular hypothesis of the wedding guests.

Taylor and David claimed just to know that they should get married. Quinn didn't anticipate that sort of faith from her sister, but seeing them together, it made sense.  
  
Quinn shared a dance with her father after his obligatory first dance with Taylor.

"Now we just need to find you a good man," he said. Once he met David, he seemed much more relaxed about the wedding and his anger relented.

Quinn bit her tongue, not wanting to tell him that she was fairly certain she was going to spend the rest of her life alone and even if she didn't, she was more likely to end up with a woman than with a man.

She was attracted to both, but lately, she was lonely and unrequited love was so goddamn exhausting. She signed up for online dating sites under fictitious names-- she wasn't really going to meet anyone from online. But she signed up anyway because it felt more proactive than doing nothing at all, even if she had no intentions of going on any dates with those people. She found herself clicking on "woman seeking woman" and only clicking on "woman seeking man" because she felt somehow obligated. She just did a cursory glance when looking at the men, but when looking at the women, she found herself intently looking at pictures of petite brunettes with brown eyes. None of them could compare with Rachel, but some of them came close enough for Quinn to consider.

"Or a nice woman," he said gently.

Quinn's eyes widened, and she pulled away from him, startled. She stared at him. "Daddy…"

"It's not what your mother and I wanted for you," he said, reaching for her so they could resume dancing.

Quinn was too shocked to do anything but follow suit.

"We'd rather you find a good Christian man and settle down," he continued. "But you haven't dated anyone seriously since that Corcoran-Berry boy. And of course, your mother and I have heard the rumors about you and his sister. And there is the matter of that show you're both on."

"Daddy, they're just rumors."

"We know that there's nothing with you and Rachel," he said. "I asked Rachel once to watch out for you and I'm grateful she has. But your mother and I…well, though we'd prefer you take a more traditional, normal route. We will try…to accept if you don't."

Quinn swallowed hard. This wasn't what she expected. Not at all. "Daddy, I don't know what you think I am--"

"Quinn," he cut in. "It's taken me and your mother a very long time to realize the only thing that matters is that you and your sister are our children. It'll never be perfect, but please believe me when I tell you, we will be fine. Your mother wanted me to tell you…" he faltered. "She was very clear that I was to tell you that the only thing you are is our daughter. I'm not sure why this fell to me, but it is true."

Quinn swallowed hard. She threw her arms around him. This man was so different from the man she grew up with. "Thank you, Daddy," she whispered.

He held her. "All I ever needed was you girls and your mother," he whispered. "I have made mistakes, but I have always been a good husband and father."

Quinn swallowed hard, because he had his failings, and the most he could honestly say was that he'd always _tried_ to be a good husband and father. But this was far more than she ever expected from him, so she thought she'd just concede.

"I know. You're great, Daddy."

\--

She was in a great mood when she shared a dance with her new brother-in-law. He looked so dapper and dashing in his suit-- he'd opted for a suit rather than a tuxedo, despite her sister's pleas that he indulge this whim of hers to have him look like a penguin. Quinn finally realized what was weird about David-- he just seemed like this anachronistic throwback to the 1950s. But not like out of _Mad Men_ though David was _hot_ like Jon Hamm, he just seemed kind and heroic, like something out of a 1950s movie where the hero was brave, stoic and most of all, _good_.

"I'll rip your heart out and wear it as a hat if you hurt my sister," Quinn informed him sweetly.

She and Taylor did not have the kind of relationship that would inspire such words, but Quinn uttered them anyway. She knew it was kind of dumb because she was the younger sister by eight years and David and Taylor had a ten year age difference, which essentially meant she just threatened a guy who was practically old enough to be her father. But after the unforeseen acceptance of her father, Quinn felt like she needed to support her family.

He laughed gently. "I'm sure you could."

She danced with Rachel for the rest of the night which probably did not help quash the perception that they were dating, but Quinn simply did not care.

She danced without a care in the world and she and Rachel took full advantage of the open bar.

Her mother grabbed her when Rachel was in the bathroom.

"She's such a sweet girl, Quinnie. Your father and I approve."

Quinn swallowed hard. "We aren't dating, Mom."

Judy looked distinctly disappointed. "Then maybe you can bring home someone like her."

Quinn forced herself to smile. "I'll try."

But she'd been trying for so long.

Her mother touched her cheek and smiled gently at her. "I know your father and I did not give you girls the perfect model for a marriage--"

"Mom," Quinn protested quietly.

"Let me give you this one piece of advice," Judy murmured. "Well, not advice, perhaps. An explanation. There are things in a marriage you can accept and things you cannot. And you will have to find what these things are for yourself. Your father and I chose to accept one another for who we are, despite that there are others who might have found our situation undesirable or unacceptable. But your father and I decided there were merits to longevity, for staying together when others would have given up. And for better or worse, Quinn, I hope that your father and I taught you there are merits to staying. You will have to learn for yourself what you are willing to stay for."

Quinn bit her lip, her eyes brimming with unshed tears. She'd always felt that her parents probably would have been happier divorced, but today, seeing the way they smiled at one another and danced, she could kind of see her mother's point. She wasn't sure how much of what she'd witnessed today was the Fabray family façade and how much was real, but she realized her parents' relationship was so much more than what she'd been allowed to see.

"You gave us a great model for marriage, Mom," Quinn said tearfully. She was lying, but she was trying to be kind.

Her mother smiled back, eyes watery. She smiled gratefully, understandingly, and hugged her.

\--

By the time Quinn and Rachel left the reception, they were _bombed_. They were so inebriated, they practically poured themselves into the cab that would take them to their hotel room.

Once they got there, they collapsed side by side on the same bed, rather than taking separate beds.

"I'm so drunk," Rachel murmured.

Quinn shifted so she could press closer to Rachel. She buried her face into Rachel's neck, allowing herself just this one indulgence. "Me too," she murmured into Rachel's skin.

Rachel laughed softly and began playing with Quinn's hair. She lightly scratched at the back of Quinn's scalp. "You looked like a princess tonight," she whispered.

Quinn suddenly remembered back to a time when she was twelve years old and was at Rachel's house to hang out with Noah. She wasn't particularly interested in video games, but Noah had been, and so she was just indulging him.

Rachel was apparently getting ready for the Winter Formal-- Rachel had been sixteen and in her junior year of high school, the year that colleges traditionally scrutinized the most severely. Quinn hadn't seen much of Rachel around that time because Rachel had been so active in school that she was rarely around. It also marked the first formal event for Rachel and Finn as a couple.

Quinn and Noah left his bedroom to see Rachel and Finn off, and when Quinn saw Rachel in her strapless Winter Formal gown with her hair falling around her face in loose waves, Quinn couldn't help but blurt, in awe, "you look like a mermaid"

Rachel had smiled at her indulgently then-- and Quinn could admit, back then, she really had just been a kid, though Rachel was just a kid back then, too.

But now Rachel was telling _her_ that she looked like a princess. It was _overwhelming_ and Quinn felt tears sting her eyes. It hurt too much to be this close to have Rachel be this sweet and to know deep down, it was all _platonic_. It hurt too much to know this and still hold onto this ridiculous and tiny sliver of hope that _maybe_ there was just some teeny part of Rachel that was capable of feeling the same way.

Wanting _hurt_.

Rachel gasped quietly-- she felt Quinn's tears on her neck.

"Quinn?" she asked softly, sounding alarmed. "Are you all right?"

"Fine," Quinn said quietly, she pulled her head away from Rachel, but not too far, and wiped at her eyes.

"Why are you crying?" Rachel asked quietly. "Over Tay?"

A huge sob wracked Quinn's body and she wanted to laugh, because God, no, not even close. She was happy for Taylor, not at all sad, and she wasn't the sort of person who cried when she was happy. She might get a little misty-eyed, but not all teary and weepy like this.

Rachel gently grasped Quinn's chin in one hand and she peered into Quinn's eyes. The only light visible in the room was from streetlights filtering in from around the edges of the curtains.

"Please," Rachel pleaded. "Tell me what's wrong. I can't make it better if you don't tell me what's wrong."

On any other night, the irony of Rachel saying that would have made Quinn howl with laughter. But this night was her sister's wedding and Quinn felt really _lonely_. It was wonderful to have a friend-- if Quinn to choose between friendship and sex, friendship would win every time. But friendship was different from a loving romantic relationship. Not even the best, closest friendships could fill in that gap and Quinn realized she was really, really lonely. She felt like she was going to spend the rest of her life just like this, alone, lonely and pining. It was _awful_ when she thought about it.

She wanted to just tell Rachel everything, especially right now when Rachel was basically begging her to do it. But the fear that Rachel would react negatively, or worse, _ignore_ it made Quinn feel even worse. So, Rachel could either flee or she would pull away. Either way, Quinn would lose her and if she didn't have Rachel even as a friend, she would be even lonelier, and she just couldn't handle that.

Quinn sobbed until she was weary and just sick of herself, clinging desperately to Rachel.

Rachel just held her and stroked her hair. "Okay, Quinn," she murmured. "Just cry, sweetheart."

When Quinn finally managed to get a grip on herself, she sniffled and rubbed her hand across her eyes. "Sorry," she said hoarsely.

"What's _wrong_?" Rachel asked, her voice small and helpless.

Quinn shut her eyes. "I don't know," she lied quietly. She was drunk, tired, and sad. She just needed to sleep this off so life could go back to normal.

"Come here," Rachel said as she gently pulled Quinn closer. She kissed Quinn's cheek. "Don't you understand I would do anything for you?" She continued to stroke Quinn's hair.

Quinn chuckled sardonically. "Is that so?"

Rachel seemed confused by Quinn's tone. Her hand, still in Quinn's hair, stilled. "You know I would," she said quietly. She sounded cautious, almost frightened.

Quinn felt terrible. It wasn't Rachel's fault she felt like this. In all the years they'd known each other, which was Quinn's entire lifespan, Rachel had never once been unkind to her. That meant more to Quinn than this futile, punishing crush she'd been silently harboring all these years.

"I know," Quinn said gently, relenting. "I know you would. You are my best friend."

Rachel smiled and stroked Quinn's face. "You're my best friend, too" she said softly. "Please don't ever doubt that. I would literally give you the shirt off my back." She paused. "If I were wearing one." She laughed. "This dress is uncomfortable." She sat up and wiggled out of it, throwing it carelessly on the ground.

They'd both had a lot of practice with this over the years from award shows and other ceremonies.

Quinn sat up and did the same, becoming aware of how uncomfortable she was in the dress. Just as she was about to lay back in the bed, she felt Rachel's hand touch her bare lower back.

"Rach?" Quinn asked, turning her head slightly so she could look behind her. Rachel was laying on the bed, slightly propped up against the headboard. She was practically nude wearing only the flimsiest of black lace thongs. Her breasts were small enough that she often went bra-less when she wore dresses for special events and she'd chosen to forego wearing a bra tonight.

"You are really beautiful," Rachel said wistfully. She touched the small of Quinn's back.

Quinn swallowed hard. Rachel's hand was rubbing circles on her back and Quinn was terrified to move because she didn't want Rachel to stop. Rachel sounded dazed and Quinn worried if she moved, Rachel would come out of whatever trance she was in. Rachel's hand began to slide lower down Quinn's back. The touch of her hand was so gentle

"Your skin is like milk," Rachel murmured.

Quinn swallowed again. "Thanks," she said quietly.

"God, you're so beautiful," Rachel murmured. "I couldn't take my eyes off you all night. You looked straight out of a fairy tale," she whispered. Rachel's hand slid so much lower, her fingertips grazed Quinn's ass, just where it met her lower back.

Quinn couldn't help it. She let out a quiet whimper.

Rachel recoiled, and yanked her hand away. "I'm going to take a shower. It's bad skincare routine to sleep in make-up."

"Rachel," Quinn said quietly. She wanted to beg Rachel to stay, but Rachel practically ran into the bathroom.

Quinn waited up for Rachel to come back, but when she did come back, she went back to the other bed.

"Rach," Quinn called out.

"You should take a shower, too," Rachel said quietly. "I'll probably be asleep when you get back, so I'll just say goodnight now."

Quinn swallowed hard. "Goodnight," she said thickly.


	6. Chapter 6

Rachel knew there was a time in her life when she didn't know Quinn, but she honestly could not remember back that far. After all, she'd only been four years old when Quinn was born, and how many adults could remember back that far? And for all of her life, she'd always felt at ease with the younger woman.

Until the night of Taylor's wedding.

The wedding itself was very nice especially considering how Taylor and David had basically planned it at the very last moment. But Rachel knew she had no room to be judgmental in that regard because her own wedding took place on her eighteenth birthday in front of a justice of the peace with none of her loved ones present to bear witness because she knew they would have all rushed to stop her. That probably should have been the indicator that it should not have gone through with it.

She and Quinn had been in exceptionally good moods after a night of drunken revelry and when they returned to the hotel room, they'd staggered and flopped onto the same bed. They were best friends and had poor boundaries with one another-- it came from working on the show. They shared a trailer, so they dressed and undressed in front of one another for convenience, even though they had separate rooms within the trailer. And when they worked on Broadway together, they saw each other naked all the time-- that sort of thing just happened backstage. Everyone was pressed for time during costume changes, so modesty became a secondary, sometimes tertiary concern. Sometimes, it wasn't even a concern at all.

When Quinn started crying out of the blue that night, it'd scared Rachel because of how sudden it was. Her first instinct was to comfort Quinn--she could never stand to see Quinn cry. But she was drunk and tired, so she had no idea what to do. And then the night somehow shifted into something else entirely.

The dresses they wore were constricting, and since they were accustomed to being undressed in front of one another, it felt like no big deal to take off their dresses.

But Quinn looked so beautiful and Rachel had no idea what possessed her to put her hand on the small of Quinn's back while they were both practically naked. It'd been dark in the room, but her eyes had adjusted and she could see Quinn…how beautiful she was.

It wasn't the first time she'd realized how beautiful her friend had become. Quinn had always been beautiful-- she'd even been beautiful as a newborn when most newborns looked like wrinkly hairy aliens. But lately, Quinn's beauty had appealed to her in different ways.

She tried to tell herself that she was just mixing up the show with real life, and she berated herself for her unprofessionalism. She told herself it was Andrea and Lily who were in love, and she and Quinn were just friends.

But she couldn't deny that playing lovers on-screen hadn't invoked strange and new feelings inside of her when it came to Quinn. Maybe it began over their long, intimate conversations about what they wanted to come out of this storyline. Maybe it was when they discussed the logistics of their romantic scenes to talk about what they'd be comfortable with which became much more personal than either of them anticipated. Maybe it was when they had to kiss on-screen and Rachel felt very real emotions well up inside of her when none should have emerged, at least, not in the way she felt. Or maybe it was the other things that were far more intimate than kissing-- sucking on each other's necks, holding hands, eating off each other's plates or checking one another's wrist watches for the time. They ad-libbed much of these little gestures, but most of them were written into the script to demonstrate intimacy and these gestures sometimes bled into real life.

She tried so hard to suppress it-- she and Quinn just could never be. They grew up together, and even if they weren't related, Quinn and Noah dated and Noah was her little brother. In Rachel's mind, her little brother dating Quinn and then her falling for Quinn was practically Appalachian. And she didn't _want_ to be Appalachian. And it felt like a betrayal of Quinn’s family who’d always been kind to her, like she would be taking advantage of Quinn and she simply could not handle doing that.

And it worked for a while-- she emphasized in her mind that Quinn was basically a kid, despite their age difference was only four years. She reminded herself that she still remembered a time when Quinn was in diapers. She reminded herself that Quinn was Taylor Fabray's little sister, and she'd shared her first kiss with Taylor when she was a thirteen year old high school freshman to Taylor's seventeen year old senior. She reminded herself that Quinn was her little brother's childhood best friend, the girl who would later become his girlfriend. Falling for Quinn was just…it was too _weird_.

But when she saw how beautiful Quinn looked as Taylor's maid of honor and God help her, Rachel wanted Quinn.

It was frightening how much she wanted Quinn.

Getting married at 18 to the boy to whom she gave up her virginity meant she'd only been with one person her entire life. Even after her marriage ended, she never had that requisite period of regrettable one night stands because she had Quinn to keep her mind steady. She never even dated. She'd wanted to give herself up to anyone who would have her, but Quinn stubbornly refused to leave her alone to her own dark thoughts and self-pity. And well, Rachel never got the chance to do something (or someone) regrettably stupid. She hadn't gone on a first date with anyone since she was a fifteen year old sophomore and she'd been sort of listless toward the idea of dating again. She'd just been content with what she had with Quinn-- she didn’t feel like she needed anything else.

\--

She wasn't sure exactly when she fell in love with Quinn, but it'd been gradual and building up for a long time before she finally allowed herself to realize it.

She'd always been fond of Quinn and as far back as Rachel could remember, Quinn had always had a knack for uplifting her spirits. When Rachel had days when she felt filled with sad as a surly middle schooler for not being popular, Quinn would always make her feel about 10 feet tall while she'd watch over Quinn and Noah. And then later, when Quinn moved to the city and became her best friend, Quinn affirmed her in ways Finn never did. And after her marriage to Finn ended, Quinn made her feel like less of a failure.

\--

The morning after the wedding, she and Quinn were both hungover and regretting that they indulged so much in the open bar during the reception. They ordered breakfast via room service and lounged separately in their beds until it was time to check-out.

They were quiet as they flew back to New York together. Rachel played her hangover for all that it was worth, even though she only had a mild headache and stomachache.

They never mentioned what transpired between them that night. Rachel wasn't even sure there was a name for something that was _almost_ something but was actually basically nothing. She wasn't even sure what happened, it was just that the air in the room that night seemed tinged with something new.

She just knew that in the immediate aftermath, she pretended nothing happened and Quinn followed suit, much to her relief.

Once she got back to New York, she decided that more than enough time had passed since her divorce to Finn was finalized and she needed to take her mind off the impossibility that was Quinn.

She needed to start dating.

She decided that her problem was she'd gone too long without a date since her divorce. It'd been nearly two years and she needed to put herself out there. She didn’t really feel like dating, but she blamed her prolonged dry spell for the new way she started to look at Quinn and knew she had to remedy that as soon as possible.

She felt awkward around Quinn after they returned to New York, but she did her best to conceal it. They both ignored…whatever _that_ was and things stayed normal. At least, on the surface.

\--

Once she'd heard about a woman's experiment in which she said 'yes' to everyone who asked her out on a date. She conducted this experiment for a year and though it did not result in a serious long-term relationship, she did end up with a lot of funny stories to tell. Rachel wasn't sure if she read it somewhere or heard it on the radio. She listened to a lot of This American Life and it seemed like the sort of thing Ira Glass would broadcast on his show. She'd tried to look for the story again to see how it worked out, but she honestly could not remember what medium she'd encountered the story.

Rachel wasn't looking for a funny story to tell, but she was looking for distraction, so she decided to do the same thing despite the fact she wasn't really sure how the story ended.

It only took a couple weeks after they got back to New York after the wedding, but an actor from a TV show that also filmed on the Sony lot asked her out for "some chow or whatever, we'll get our grub on."

It was not an elegant way to ask her out on a date. But she said yes, despite the fact that she secretly worried he wouldn’t respect her for saying yes to such a lame way of asking her out.

She wasn't distraught over it though. He had a reputation for being a bit of a cowboy type-- not exactly refined, but decent and down-to-earth.

They arranged a date for Friday night and she felt a little more comfortable with it because he chose a vegetarian restaurant even though he was a known committed meat-eater. She wasn't vegetarian or vegan, but she didn’t eat much meat or meat by-products if she had a choice. She mostly cut meat and dairy out of her diet ever since high school, but she wasn't militant about it. She took a few cursory bites out of Thanksgiving turkey when her former mother-in-law cooked it to be polite, she once ate Finn's shrimp scampi attempt on their first wedding anniversary even though she was allergic to shellfish because she didn't want to hurt his feelings and gave herself a epi shot midway through the meal and now, every once in a while, she swiped a slice of bacon off Quinn's breakfast plates. She'd never intentionally poison herself simply to avoid hurting someone's feelings again-- that seemed the province of a stupid teenager, but she'd be willing to go to a decent steakhouse for a date. She didn't expect the world to kowtow to her, and the absence of a vegetarian or vegan option was no big deal. But it did tell her that Matthew was considerate and he knew her reputation-- she'd never told him that she tried to avoid meat. That kind of meant something to her, although she wasn't sure how to take it quite yet.

When Friday came, Rachel was more uneasy than excited for her date.

They finished filming early that day. Rachel finished earlier than Quinn and she was getting ready when Quinn came into their shared trailer and flopped onto the sofa, turning on the TV. Rachel was in her room perfecting her eye make-up.

"Rachel!" Quinn bellowed. "I'm _starving_. Do you want to get dinner? My treat. It's Friday and I want red meat because I am not Catholic. You can get salmon or something!"

Rachel never ate meat on Fridays since her mother grew up eating fish on Fridays like a good Catholic despite being technically Jewish.

Rachel froze for a moment and sighed. She set down her mascara wand and walked out of her room.

"Wow," Quinn said when she caught sight of Rachel. She grinned. "You didn't have to get all dolled up for me. When I said I'd buy you dinner, I actually meant one of those hot dogs they sell on the street. At least that is what I'll buy you when I get a nice medium rare steak for me. Did I forget to mention that? I really had no intention of springing for the salmon."

Rachel laughed in spite of herself. "Quinn Fabray," she chided. "I would never buy one of those hot dogs. I once watched an exposé on those vendors and what I saw was quite disgusting. It is very insalubrious to consume one."

Quinn grinned. "Why are you so dolled up anyway?" she asked curiously. "Do you have a late interview or something? Want me to stick around until you’re done? I'll still buy you dinner and I promise it really won't be a hotdog."

"Um," Rachel said. "I actually have a date."

Quinn stared at her.

A long moment passed and Rachel started to feel uncomfortable.

"Um, it's not a big deal or anything. Just…you know. I thought it was time."

Quinn cleared her throat and forced a smile. "That's…that's great," she said. "Why…why didn’t you tell me you were going on a date? I would have…helped you get ready or something."

Rachel looked away. "It's not a big deal. I just thought if Finn already had a baby and married someone else, then I could at least go out on a date. I don't have any expectations, I just hope it'll be fun."

"Who…who are you going out with?"

"Matthew Stanford…you know…"

"Oh…that…that guy…yeah, I know who he is," Quinn said. She smiled weakly. "He's hot. That's great. How…how did that happen?"

Rachel smiled faintly. "I was walking to my car to make a coffee run and he ran after me and asked if I wanted to 'grab some chow or whatever,'"

Quinn made a face. "That doesn’t sound very appealing."

"Well, I suppose calling it 'chow' would make even the most savory and sumptuous meal less appealing. But I incongruously find such an inelegant manner of speaking to be somehow appealing and endearing."

Quinn looked unhappy. "I would have asked you differently." She swallowed visibly. "I mean, um, you deserved to have it asked differently," she said quietly. "Not like it was no big deal. This is your first date since Finn. It's a huge deal."

Rachel smiled, both charmed and touched. "It's okay. Really," she said softly.

"Do you know what you’re going to wear yet?"

"Yeah, I brought it with me this morning." Rachel swallowed hard. "A raincheck on dinner?"

"Of course," Quinn said softly.

"I'm going to finish up," Rachel said, pointing vaguely behind her shoulder with her thumb toward her room. "Um, are you going to be okay for dinner? I…you know, I should cancel. We…we should have dinner. I mean, I'd rather go with you anyway and…I mean, I know he works on a different show, but we film on the same lot and you know how the saying goes about finding one's honey where one makes his or her money."

Quinn snorted. "What exactly is the saying?"

"I don’t find my honey where I make my money," Rachel said blankly.

Quinn chuckled. "I see," she said. She sobered quickly. "Don't cancel. You should do this. Have fun. I-- I hope you're happy. Um, just call me afterward and let me know how it went."

Rachel smiled. "Sure."

Rachel went back to her room to finish getting ready. By the time she emerged, Quinn was gone.

\--

The date itself went perfectly nice. Matthew was handsome and sweet. She was charmed by his chivalry-- the way he'd hold open doors and pulled out her chair. Quinn treated her with the same respect, but it'd been a long time since she'd been treated that way by a date. By the end of their marriage, Finn had long ceased to do such things.

The goodnight kiss was nice--it was physically pleasurable, but she didn't feel any sparks. It was just lips against lips, tongue against tongue. His breath was very minty-- he must have eaten a mint in preparation, which she found endearing. But she felt no emotional connection--it was what a stage kiss should have been. Her costars that she kissed for shows always ate a mint before their kisses, too.

She still accepted when he asked for another date.

\--

After that, she went out with basically anyone who asked. She wasn't asked out so frequently that she was dating _constantly_ , but she went out with a new person at least once a month. She started to get a reputation in the tabloids-- the goddamn paparazzi seemed incapable of leaving her alone even while she tried to get the most mundane tasks done, so they harassed her relentlessly when she went on an actual date.

Quinn seemed worried. "Are you being safe?" she asked seriously.

Rachel was offended. "Quinn, I'll have you know that I am well-versed in safer sex. But I'm not nearly as active as people seem to believe."

Quinn looked amused. "I just meant I don't want you to get hurt. Like, emotionally. But thanks for the update on your sex life. It's kind of nice to know since you've been kind of scarce." Quinn looked sort of hurt by that.

Rachel gazed at her apologetically. One of the side effects of dating so frequently was that she spent less time with Quinn-- but that was also sort of desirable. She hoped that if she could spend less time with Quinn, maybe some of her feelings would go away and things could go back to normal.

"I'm sorry," Rachel said softly. "I…I just feel like I need to move on."

Quinn smiled wryly. "I know the feeling."

"You don't have to worry about me getting hurt," Rachel said quietly. "I'm fine. I’ll be fine."

"You're my best friend," Quinn said. "I have to worry." She reached for Rachel's hand and squeezed. "I've got your back."

Rachel squeezed back. "I've got your back, too," she said with a smile.

"I know you do."

Rachel grinned at her. "Now we need to get you a date."

Other than Noah, Rachel had never seen Quinn date anyone. It was kind of worrying. She wanted Quinn to find someone who would love her well.

\--

However, Rachel burnt out on the indiscriminate dating after a few months. It really wasn't in her personality to do, and she honestly didn’t like it. She found herself unhappy, so she just stopped.

One day, Quinn's friend, Santana, came into town for a visit fresh from a break-up with her long-time girlfriend, Brittany.

Growing up, Rachel knew Santana vaguely through Brittany. She'd known Brittany because she'd gone to school with Brittany's siblings who were both a few grades above her and friends with Taylor. Brittany and Santana had been inseparable even in childhood. In adulthood, Rachel knew about Santana through Quinn and they'd hung out on a few occasions, and so Rachel knew she liked Santana well enough and she felt terribly for her for the breakup.

\--

She and Quinn picked up Santana from the airport together because they both had the day off.

Santana was so sorrowful, it was difficult to look at her. She was a beautiful girl, but it was clear that since the breakup, she wasn't eating or sleeping. Nor did she care about what she was wearing.

She was skinny with dark circles under her eyes wearing a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie. The attire was not like Santana at all who usually showed a little more flare in her ensembles.

Santana was becoming an established and popular actress in her own right and the TV show she was working on was slowly building a fanbase-- all the actors on the show were newcomers in the industry. Santana was poised to be the show's breakout star and the paparazzi was following her constantly the way they hounded her and Quinn. The fact that Santana would allow herself to be seen in public looking less than perfect said a lot about her mental well-being. It was obvious how hard she was taking the breakup.

Quinn was clearly concerned about Santana's appearance.

"Crap," Quinn said softly once they caught sight of Santana making her way toward them, looking haggard and tired. "Hey San," Quinn greeted quietly, grabbing Santana in a tight hug once they were close enough. "Thanks for coming out to visit," she murmured.

Santana's eyes were obscured by large dark sunglasses. "Well, you practically begged," she joked, but her voice was nasal and Rachel could tell she'd been crying.

The very first thing Quinn suggested was to get something to eat

"Not that hungry, Q," Santana said gruffly. "I'd rather get a beer or something. Let's do that instead."

"I really don’t care what you'd rather do, San. You're staying with me, and I'm hungry, so we’re going to get something to eat."

Rachel could see from the look on Quinn's face that the blonde cared deeply about what Santana, but they didn’t have the kind of relationship where they were always verbally affectionate with one another. And though Rachel did not know Santana well, she knew enough about her to know that Santana wasn't always receptive to articulated affection anyway.

"Hey, Private Tidbit Littlebit," Santana said, addressing Rachel. "Back me up here, wouldn't you rather grab a beer than some dainty salad that Q's always shoving down her throat?"

"Um…uh…" Rachel stammered.

Santana chuckled. "This girl has the weirdest eating habits," she said, pointing toward Quinn, "Salads and random ass things like nuts and yams. I don’t want to eat somewhere she chooses."

Quinn blushed deeply. "San."

Rachel chuckled because her eating habits had actually rubbed off on Quinn. "We can go somewhere that serves both food and alcohol," she said, trying to compromise.

They were all quiet for a long moment.

"Fine," Santana said gruffly. "Let's get something to eat."

\--

They settled in one of those chain restaurants with because it was dependable. Rachel sat on one side of the booth while Santana and Quinn sat on the other.

Santana ordered an appetizer sampler platter for herself in protest because Rachel ordered a salad and Quinn followed suit. But Santana essentially ignored her food and concentrated on putting away one Jack-and-Diet-Coke after another.

"San, come on, eat something," Quinn pleaded.

Santana picked up a mozzarella stick which had long grown cold. She broke it in half and waved the two pieces around at one another like they were hand puppets having a conversation. She looked completely uninterested in her food.

"This is disgusting," Santana said, throwing the halved mozzarella stick onto the plate.

"I know," Quinn said quietly.

Santana rested her head on Quinn's shoulder and Quinn put her arm around Santana's shoulders. Santana's eyes welled with tears. "She broke up with me, Q," she said softly. "She just ended it like it was nothing. She didn't even talk to me about it. What gives her that right?"

"I don't know, S," Quinn said, stroking Santana's hair. "But it's going to be okay. You did a good thing coming out here. It’s better than staying in your apartment in LA and turning into some weird cat lady, right?"

Santana laughed ruefully. "I'm more of a dog person anyway," she said, half-sobbing.

"San," Quinn said quietly

"I don't get it," Santana sobbed, pulling away from Quinn to rest her elbows on the table. She buried her face into her hands. "Why did she do this to me? I thought she would always be my girlfriend."

Quinn looked like she was going to cry. "I don't know, S," she whispered helplessly. "Sometimes, you can't get what you want."

"But that's for plebeian ass bitches like you, Q," Santana said. "Bitches like me get everything they want."

Quinn cracked a small smile. "I know. This just must be that one time when you don't. A curious statistical anomaly."

Santana's shoulders shook with silent laughter and she pulled her hands away from her face. "She was the only thing I really wanted though," she said quietly. She swiped her hand across her nose. "No one is ever going to love me like she loved me," she said softly, looking so glum that it broke Rachel's heart.

Quinn looked like she'd been slapped and her mouth opened to speak, but she couldn't find the words.

Rachel swallowed hard. Up until now, she'd just happened to be privy to this private moment between friends. But she felt compelled to speak. She reached across the table to grab Santana's hand and squeezed. "That's not true," she said sincerely. "You are very lovable." She didn't know Santana very well, but if Quinn cared for her this much, she knew it was true. "One way or another, everyone gets married and I know you'll find someone who loves you as much as you deserve."

Santana pulled her hand away and wiped at her eyes. "You should write a romance novel, Private Tidbit Littlebit," she said gruffly, but she gave Rachel a tremulous smile.

"Let's get them to take this away," Quinn said, pointing toward Santana's basically untouched appetizer platter. "I'll order you some breadsticks."

Rachel knew from Quinn that Santana had an obsession with breadsticks that bordered on eerie. God help the world if Santana ever developed a gluten allergy.

"They aren't on the menu, Q. They just came with your salad."

"So? When has that ever stopped you?"

Santana chuckled darkly. "Thanks, Q," she muttered.

\--

By the time the three of them left the restaurant, Santana was extremely drunk and stumbling. Rachel and Quinn had also consumed a great deal of alcohol, but neither of them were as inebriated as Santana. It took both Quinn and Rachel to balance her as they poured themselves into a cab.

Although Rachel and Quinn lived in proximity to one another, Rachel lived closer to the restaurant and given Santana's decidedly unwell pallor, it was decided that Rachel's apartment was the more desirable destination.

"Are you sure it's okay?" Quinn asked, once they settled Santana into Rachel's spare bedroom. "I mean, I'll take her back to my place."

"Don't be silly. You're already here."

"I promise I'll clean it up if she throws up in your bed," Quinn swore.

Rachel gave her a small smile. "It's fine. Why don't you take my bed and I'll take the sofa."

"Don't be silly, I'll take the sofa and you should sleep in your own bed."

"No," Rachel said shaking her head. "Please, take my bed."

"We could always share," Quinn pointed out. "It wouldn't be the first time."

Rachel swallowed hard at the thought. They were both still a little buzzed from the alcohol and Rachel still vividly remembered what _almost_ happened the last time they had too much to drink and shared a bed. She wasn't even sure what it was that almost happened, she just knew it was _something_.

"Take my bed," Rachel said quietly.

Quinn hesitated. "I'll share with San. It wouldn't be the first time I've shared a bed with her."

"What if she throws up on you?"

Quinn cracked a grin. "It wouldn't be the first time she threw up on me."

Rachel laughed softly. "Okay, then," she acquiesced because she knew the argument would be futile.

\--

Rachel was laying in bed and regretting her decision to drink five Jack and Diet Cokes in addition to a shot of something or another-- Rachel wasn't sure what it was, but it'd been tasty and complimentary.

Her door opened slowly and Rachel sat up, blinking in the dark, trying to see who it was.

"Quinn?" she called out softly.

"Nahh…" Santana slurred. "It's just me."

"Santana? Are you all right?"

Rachel could not believe Santana was still conscious. She'd put away far more than five Jack-and-Diets and that complimentary shot.

"All good, Private Tidbit Littlebit," Santana slurred. She softly closed the door behind her and stumbled into the bed before Rachel could even react. "Hey." She laid on her stomach. "Your bed is really comfortable."

"Santana?" Rachel called out gently. "Are you okay? Do you need something?" She sat up and turned on the light on her nightstand.

Santana groaned at the light and shut her eyes. She scooted closer to Rachel, so that her head rested in Rachel's lap. She threw her arms around Rachel's waist. "Did you mean it?" she mumbled.

"Mean what?"

"Did you mean it when you said I'd find someone who loved me?"

"Of course I did," Rachel replied softly. She stroked Santana's hair tenderly, her heart reaching out for the other woman. She felt so badly for her-- she knew what it was like to be unceremoniously dropped by someone she loved.

"I'm not looking for forever," Santana mumbled. She struggled to sit up. "I'm just looking for tonight," she whispered before she began kissing Rachel's neck.

Rachel gasped softly and pushed Santana away. "Santana, you’re drunk…just go to sleep."

"I'm not that drunk," Santana leered. "I'm never too drunk to…" she trailed off and seemed to be lost in thought. Her head lolled drunkenly. "Come on," she husked. "Just for tonight." She craned her head closer to Rachel and began sucking on Rachel's neck. "I can't sleep without getting off," she murmured. She paused. "Or getting someone else off," she whispered, her hand began to massage Rachel's breast. "Just for tonight," she crooned. "Come on."

"Santana, no," Rachel said quietly, gently pushing Santana away. "You're drunk. I will get you some water and you can take my bed. It's very comfortable, sweetheart."

Santana's voice trembled. "Please," she whispered. "I can't take one more rejection," she muttered, her voice breaking.

Rachel swallowed back the lump in her throat. "Santana, you're drunk and hurting, but--"

"Please Brit," Santana whispered. "Just one more night." Her hand gently reached under Rachel's tank top and began to gently massage her breast. "Come on, Private Tidbit Littlebit," she whispered, nuzzling Rachel's neck. "You're so beautiful."

"Santana--"

Santana silenced her with a kiss.

And so, Rachel gave in. She knew it was self-defeating-- Santana was thinking of someone else and she knew she was thinking of someone else, too.

If she had to give a reason for giving in, the only thing Rachel would be able to come up with was 'because she pursued me.' She was always a sucker for being pursued.

\--

Unexpectedly, Santana was a cuddler. Rachel woke up at 5am just as she had since she was a child and she was ensconced in a deep, warm embrace.

Rachel tried to squirm away but Santana held on.

"Mmm, no," Santana said. "Don't move. I'm comfortable."

"I'll make you and Quinn breakfast," Rachel said softly.

Now that it was morning, she found her actions regrettable. She should have said no. She should have slept on the couch. She felt like she took advantage of someone who was drunk and hurting. She also thought that Santana was too young for her, since like, Quinn, Santana was four years younger than she was. But she just didn't look at Santana the way she looked at Quinn.

Santana pulled away and sat up, rubbing at her eyes. "I feel terrible," she said.

Rachel smiled hesitantly. "That's why I should make you breakfast."

Santana chuckled lowly. "Okay, thanks," she said. She hesitated. "This doesn’t have to be weird, right?"

Rachel smiled. "No."

Santana smiled suggestively and reached to slide her hand down Rachel's bicep. "Does it have to be just for one night?" she murmured. "I'm in town for another five days. I took the whole week off work. You know…clear my head. And I can't think of a better way to clear my head than…" she kissed Rachel's neck, eliciting a soft gasp. Santana grinned at the response.

Rachel flushed. It was one thing to have one drunken night, but she wasn't sure she could handle another five days. Santana had done things to her that she'd _never_ experienced. Santana was the only woman she'd been with, and though she viewed sexuality as very fluid, she doubted she could live up to Santana's obviously high standards. And she felt very inexperienced compared to Santana, who oozed sex appeal.

"I'm…I'm not very experienced with that," Rachel admitted self-consciously, unable to make eye contact.

Santana raised an eyebrow. She gently tucked her fingers under Rachel's chin, raising her so they could make eye contact."You've been having plenty of one night stands lately if the trash rags and Q are right," she teased. "And you seemed plenty experienced to me last night. If you learned what you did last night from a book, you'll have to lend it to me."

Rachel blushed and swallowed hard. "What did Quinn tell you?" she asked because as much as her ego loved the boost, she was more concerned with Quinn's opinion of her.

She knew she'd gone a little wild during her dating spree, but she'd slept with very few of the men she went out with. And that was over now-- the rampant dating phase only lasting a few months. She didn't want Quinn to think she was a slut of some sort. Quinn's opinion of her mattered so much.

Santana rolled her eyes. "You know what a prude Q is, she was just saying you were going out on a lot of dates. She seemed aggrieved or whatever, but I told her she needed to stop being such a Puritan even if she is literally the poster child for WASPs."

"Oh," Rachel said quietly. She had to admit she was a little hurt. She could never think badly of Quinn.

"You were pretty great last night," Santana said lowly. "I'd be up for an encore performance if you are." She chuckled. "Although I don't get how you wouldn't."

Santana's eyes suddenly welled up with tears and Rachel remembered why they were together like this in the first place, and she could sense the undercurrent of sorrow and insecurity. One of the reasons she never threw herself into indiscriminate sex is because she had Quinn to watch out for her, but sometimes she felt like she might have benefited from it. Sometimes a one night stand left you regretful and sorrowful, and other times, it was cathartic and esteem-boosting. Frequently, it depended on how objectively attractive the other participant was, but sometimes, it was just knowing one could get another person if one tried.

Rachel felt the need to make Santana feel better, even if it was only temporary and for the wrong reasons.

"I'm up for it," Rachel murmured reassuringly. She still acutely remembered that after Finn left her, she felt ugly, unlovable and undesirable. If there was anything she could do to alleviate that in Santana, she would do it.

\--

She was cooking breakfast when Quinn wandered into the kitchen, looking worried.

"Have you seen Santana?"

"I'm right here," Santana said, suddenly making an appearance into the kitchen. "I bunked with Berry last night. Your snoring kept me up."

Quinn looked suspicious. "I don't snore."

"You do," Santana and Rachel said together.

"I don't snore!" Quinn snapped, outraged. Her cheeks were pink which meant she was either angry or embarrassed. In this moment, it was difficult to tell.

Quinn did, in fact, snore. But Rachel thought it was endearing.

"Aw, sweetheart," Rachel said, setting down the chopsticks she was using to fry the bacon. She always kept bacon on hand for Quinn. She stepped closer to her friend and ruffled Quinn's hair. "I think your snoring is endearing. It's comforting and cute. I always sleep better when we sleep together."

Rachel realized how wrong that came out, and her eyes became wide even as Quinn blushed and Santana smirked wickedly.

"Not that we slept together in that way!" Rachel cried out. "I meant sleeping in proximity together when the situation necessitated it, which given how often we work together and spend time together has been quite a lot, but it no way did I mean it in some tawdry way!" she rambled.

Quinn chuckled wryly. "I get it." She grinned and bumped up against Rachel. "Thanks."

"My bacon!" Rachel cried out once she realized that she was distracted for far too long.

Quinn and Santana laughed warmly at her. Rachel was glad that the bacon was just a little crispy, not burned. She plated up the food and smiled widely as she watched her friends eat with gusto. Santana winked at her and gave her a knowing grin. Rachel blushed and bit her lip. She looked away. She wasn't in love with Santana, nor did she delude herself into believing this was about love. But she was so, so relieved to be physically attracted to someone _other_ than Quinn.

\--

On that particular day, Rachel and Quinn were both due on set, but not until later. Santana was blasé and insisted that she would be able to entertain herself for the day. It wasn't her first time in New York and they weren't the only people she knew who lived in the city.

But still, Rachel could see that Quinn was concerned and it just made her love Quinn more for being such a good, compassionate friend.

Quinn finished filming long before she did that night, so by the time she was done, Quinn and Santana had already had dinner and were tossing back drinks in a local bar.

By the time she joined them, Quinn and Santana were both buzzed and grinning.

"Rachel!" Quinn yelped cheerfully, throwing her arms around Rachel and hugging her hard. "Hey you," she murmured. "You worked forever after I did!"

Rachel laughed affectionately. She always loved the way Quinn greeted her so happily, like she was so glad to see her. She'd never had that effect on anyone but Quinn. She returned the hug, and rocked Quinn to-and-fro. And she loved it when Quinn was buzzed or drunk. Quinn was always so refined and fairly sedate, but when she got drunk, she also got boisterous and Rachel found it really, really cute.

Santana wedged her way in, throwing her arms around both of them.

"It's about time!" Santana crowed. She nuzzled Rachel's cheek. "Hey," she murmured. "I've got big plans for you," she whispered into Rachel's ear, biting it lightly.

Rachel laughed. "Hey."

They spent the rest of the night drinking and dancing in place, since the bar lacked any kind of official dance floor. By the time they decided to leave, they were all sweaty and drunk.

They exited the bar, inebriated and laughing, still singing the song that was playing on the jukebox.

"Someday we'll get it together and we'll get it all done," they sang together, giggling. "Someday when the world is much brighter. Someday we'll walk in the rays of the beautiful sun, someday when the world is much lighter."

They stood outside as they got ready to separate for the night.

Santana swung her arms around Rachel's waist, hugging her. Rachel leaned in closer.

"Q, I'm going to crash at Rachel's tonight," Santana said.

Quinn stared at them, frowning when she saw that Santana had yet to release Rachel and in fact they were huddled even more closely together. "Why?"

Santana smiled crookedly. "Come on, Q. Figure it out."

Quinn stared at both of them, looking stricken. "Wait," she said quietly. "You two…last night?" she asked. "No…"

Rachel disentangled herself from Santana quickly and took a few steps closer to Quinn, who retreated away from her.

"Quinn? What's wrong?"

Quinn pointed her index finger in the air. "No," she said quietly, turning her head away from Rachel. "No way."

"Q? What's crawling up your ass?" Santana asked. Despite sounding cavalier, she looked very worried.

"You slept with Rachel?" Quinn demanded, spinning her head to the right to stare at Santana. Her eyes were filled with tears.

"Quinn, we're both adults," Santana said. "I just…had an itch that needed to be scratched after Brit…what's the big deal?"

"The big deal?" Quinn repeatedly harshly. "The big deal is that you're always doing this to me!" Quinn yelled tearfully. "I always try to be your friend and you always take everything I want from me. You take everything that's mine. It wasn't enough that you slept with Puck, but you had to sleep with Rachel, too, didn't you?" she asked accusingly. She wiped at her eyes as her tears began to flow more freely. "You knew I was in love with her," she said, her voice trembling. "And you did it anyway!" she yelled. "You don't care about me! All you care about is _yourself_ , no wonder Brittany broke up with you!"

Rachel stared at Quinn as she tried to process all of that. One of her first thoughts was that Santana had slept with Noah. 'Oh my God, Santana slept with my brother.' She'd resisted pursuing anything with Quinn primarily because of Quinn's relationship with her brother. But she'd slept with Santana who turned out to have slept with Noah, too. 'I am so Appalachian anyway!' Rachel lamented.

"Quinn," Santana said softly. She looked on the verge of tears. "What are you talking about?"

Quinn glared at her fiercely. "You selfish bitch," she said, her voice shaking. "You knew," she said tearfully. "You knew how I felt!" she yelled.

"No," Santana denied, shaking her head. "No! I…I knew when we were kids you might have had a crush, but that was like, 15 years ago, Q! I didn't think you would still…" she trailed off. "Quinn, I swear! I didn't know!" she insisted desperately. "I would never do that to you! We aren't fucking kids anymore, Q! We’re adults and I’d never do that to you!"

Rachel swallowed hard and she glanced around to see that there was a crowd gathering around them, some of whom were filming them with their cell phones. Taking a chance, Rachel flagged down a passing cab, grabbed both women by the arm and shoved them inside the cab before getting inside as well.

Quinn was still crying, but her fury seemed to have deflated. "Why did it have to be her, San?" she whispered quietly. "You could have had anyone else on the planet. Why did it have to be her?"

"I'm _sorry_ ," Santana cried, utterly falling apart.

Rachel was shell-shocked but on autopilot. She gave the driver her address and she was glad that it was so close. She pulled two sobbing, drunk women out of the car and up to her apartment.

"Quinn," Santana pleaded. "God, I didn't know! If I'd known, I wouldn’t have--"

"Shut up!" Quinn shouted. "You knew! You had to have known!"

" _Quinn_ , I didn't!"

Rachel swallowed nervously. She didn't know what to do, but she knew she had to do something.

"Quinn," Rachel said quietly, beseechingly. "Quinn, it was just a one-night stand. She was sad and I just…I needed someone for the night."

Quinn stared at her. "That makes it worse!" she sobbed. She wiped at her eyes. "Why did you do it? Why?" she whispered.

"I'm sorry," Rachel said, crying herself. "I didn't know you would feel this way!"

Quinn covered her face. "I can’t be here," she whispered.

Rachel stepped forward, reaching for her. "Quinn--"

Quinn retreated. "Don't!" She put her hands out. "Just don't." She stumbled for the front door and ran out it, not bothering to shut it behind her.

Rachel chased after her, but Quinn entered a cab that just happened to be passing by at that moment and Rachel lost her chance.

Rachel's first instinct was cinematic-- she was going to flag down another cab and tell the driver to "follow that cab!" but she realized Quinn truly might need to be away from her at that moment. She didn't want to leave things like this, but she knew from the look on Quinn's face as she fled that Quinn was not in the mood to speak.

And there was another crying woman up in her apartment to whom she had to attend.

Rachel ran back up to her apartment to find Santana huddled up where she'd left her, sobbing.

Once Santana saw her, she stood shakily to her feet. "Where's Quinn?" Santana asked, her voice wobbly.

"She got into a cab and took off," Rachel said quietly.

"And you didn't go after her?" Santana demanded. "God! What is wrong with you?" she asked as she tried to push past Rachel to go out the door.

Rachel grabbed her gently.

Santana yanked her arm away.

"Did you know?" Santana demanded, shoving Rachel against a wall. She stared intensely at the shorter woman. "Did you?!" she yelled.

Rachel shook her head. "I didn't know." She never even dreamed it would be like this.

Santana's shoulders slumped. "I didn't know," she whispered, pained. "I wouldn't have done that to her, no matter what she thinks of me. She's my friend."

Rachel stroked her hair comfortingly. "I know," she murmured. "You seem like a really good friend."

"I have to find her. God! I have to find her."

"I think she needs space."

Santana glared at her. "You don't know her like I do!" she yelled as she grabbed her purse and stomped out the door.

Rachel sighed and winced at the reverberations from the door slamming. She trudged to her couch and flopped onto it. She curled up and buried her face into the couch back. She'd been in shock up until this very moment, but now everything Quinn said hit her and she didn’t know what to do. She still needed time to process things, but she knew she'd screwed up. She tried to stave off the flow of tears, but they came up anyway. Somehow, she fell asleep which was unusual for her because usually when something bothered her, she couldn't sleep. But this time, she cried so much, she must have just tired herself out.

When she woke up the next morning, she had 103 text messages and 56 missed calls, but none were from Quinn or Santana.

She saw a text from her manager asking her to check TMZ and she opened her laptop to check the website.

She cringed when she saw their encounter on TMZ, the footage taken with someone's cell phone.

When she got to see it from an outside perspective, she saw how blank and non-reactive she'd been and she felt terrible. She came across as uncaring and callous, particularly when she'd grabbed Quinn and Santana to usher them into the cab. But then she saw another link on the story-- an 'exclusive'.

She realized it was a link to an audio recording of the 911 call Quinn made when she was hospitalized for pneumonia following a cervical biopsy. It was old news to them, but someone must have obtained the 911 record after their blow-up on the street. Ammunition or whatever. It was being used as 'evidence' of their alleged secret love affair. She knew Quinn called 911, but she'd never heard the tape before.

Shakily, she clicked on the link. She read along with the transcription of the 911 call as she listened to the recording.

Transcription of 911 call

**Operator** : 911, what is your emergency?  
**Quinn** : I just found my friend. She's passed out. She…she called her brother and he called me. She said she wasn't feeling well.  
  
Rachel swallowed hard. Her friend sounded so agitated.

**Operator** : Is she breathing?  
**Quinn** : Yeah, but it…it doesn't sound good. She's wheezing and she doesn't have asthma or anything. And…and she feels really hot  
**Operator** : Is your friend on any medications? Did she take anything?  
**Quinn** : No! She doesn’t do drugs. She barely drinks alcohol. This isn't an overdose!

Quinn's voice broke at that moment and she began to cry.

**Operator** : What’s your name?  
**Quinn** : Quinn. My…my friend's name is Rachel.  
**Operator** : Quinn, is Rachel bleeding?  
**Quinn** : No…no…but…something is wrong! Please, you have to help her  
**Operator** : Do you see any bottles or drug paraphernalia?  
**Quinn** : I told you! Rachel doesn’t do drugs! Something's wrong! When will the ambulance get here?! Her brother already called them ten minutes ago! Please! Please, she won't wake up!

Quinn was screaming and crying by this point.

**Operator** : Ma'am, please stay calm.  
**Quinn** : You-- Rachel? You're awake! Rachel, Rachel, what hurts? Tell me what hurts, please!

She sounded so desperate. Tears welled up in Rachel's eyes just hearing Quinn's distress and knowing once again she was the cause.

**Quinn** : Please, her temperature is really high! It's 104.8. And I think she's delirious, please hurry. Please be okay, please be okay. Rachel. I love you, please be okay. I love you. I love you. Please, please be okay. No! Rachel, just open your eyes. Please-- I love you. I love you. Don't do this! Please wake up! Don't do this before I have to the chance to tell you…"

Quinn started to scream.

**Operator** : Ma'am? Ma'am? What is going on?  
**Quinn** : She's having a seizure! Oh my God. She's having a seizure!  
**Operator** : Ma'am, it's called a febrile seizure. It's common in very high temperatures. It's going to be okay. Don't fight the seizure, put her on her side. Put something under and around her head to cushion it. Does she have anything around her neck? Make sure her airways are loose.  
**Quinn** : Okay

Quinn sounded so _young_ and fragile and though Rachel knew exactly how this story ended, she wanted to wrap Quinn up in a tight hug. It was that tiny 'okay' that broke Rachel's heart-- Quinn sounded so young and frightened. Rachel knew she'd had a febrile seizure that night, but she had no idea Quinn was the one who had to assist her. She'd always thought she had one in the ambulance or in the hospital, but she had no idea she had one in her apartment. She shuddered to think what could have happened if Quinn hadn’t rushed to her side after getting the call from Noah. They never really talked about that night, other than the fact Quinn nagged her about keeping up with her annual physical exams. After having an abnormal Pap smear, she needed to have one every six months and Quinn was persistent and insistent that Rachel be good about that. Bu they never talked about that night in specifics.

**Operator** : Quinn? Help is on the way. ETA is under two minutes. Stay on with me, okay?  
**Quinn** : Okay. Please hurry. You-- you have to help her. She's my best friend. I love her. I need her to be okay.

By the end, Quinn sounded exhausted and frightened and her voice was trembling. She'd cried through the entire call and Rachel's heart hurt with every sob.  
  
A minute later, the line disconnected when the ambulance made its way into the apartment.

Rachel sat in front of her laptop, shaken. She never thought about how frightened Quinn must have been that night and Quinn's sincere "I love you" echoed through her head. She thought about everything that was said the night before-- she had been unable to react in the moment, but…

It was all so clear now.

"Crap," Rachel whispered quietly. She shut her laptop and drew her knees up to her chest. She had to do something, but for the first time in her life, she had no plan. She'd always had back-up plans for every contingency, but this was never in the realm of possibility for her.

She told herself to move, but she was frozen.


	7. Chapter 7

When Quinn woke up that morning, her head felt fuzzy, she was dehydrated and her body felt sore. She was naked and she cocked open one eye slowly and realized she was in her bed with Santana, who was also naked.

"Shit," Quinn cursed softly. She shut her eyes hoping that when she opened them, her world would feel right again. But it didn’t work that way.

When she opened her eyes, Santana was still there, sleeping off…whatever last night was.

"Shit," Quinn repeated quietly.

This wasn't the first time she and Santana had slept together, though usually, they had a third person with them when they had. In the last two years of high school, she would occasionally be Santana and Brittany's third. They never made her feel like the third wheel and sleeping with them made her realize that she wasn't just Rachelsexual, she was definitely bisexual, so she had no regrets about that. Early on in high school, Santana would join in with her and Noah-- back when Santana was still in denial about her sexuality and believed that as long as she kept sleeping with boys, sleeping with girls did not make her gay. It made both Santana and Noah happy, and so Quinn had no regrets about that either, despite the fact she threw that in Santana's face last night. Quinn never minded sharing Noah with Santana.

But she didn't want to share Rachel with Santana-- not that she really shared Rachel with Santana, considering she never had Rachel to begin with. But she always thought of Rachel as hers and knowing Santana got to go there with Rachel…Quinn clenched her jaw. It didn't seem fair.

When Santana came over last night, Quinn was still in a rage, but she was angrier with herself than anyone or anything else.

She'd initially been upset when she realized Santana slept with Rachel because she was certain that Santana undermined her on purpose. She'd just been so certain that it was a dig at her-- that Santana knew full well how she felt for Rachel and slept with her anyway because when Santana was miserable, she wanted everyone else around her to be miserable, too.

But once she got home, Quinn realized she really had no justification for being so angry.

She'd calmed down enough to know she was drunk and behaving irrationally as a result. She berated herself--she was too craven to make her feelings for Rachel known, and so of course, Rachel was free to consort with whom she wanted. Santana was newly single and when Quinn really thought about it, how would Santana actually know about her feelings for Rachel? Santana was super observant and always seemed to know things she had no business knowing, but even Quinn thought it was ridiculous that she'd harbored a crush on Rachel for so long. If Santana had been aware of her crush on Rachel when they were younger, it would have been more than reasonable on Santana's part to assume Quinn was over it by now, considering Quinn never acted on it. And one thing about Santana that hadn't changed was the fact she used sex to make herself feel better when she was sad-- and if Santana lost Brittany, she would have been bereft.

By the time Santana practically prostrated herself to apologize, most of Quinn's anger had drained away, leaving behind disappointment in herself and regret for not being braver. Quinn knew she only had herself to blame-- if a person didn't take action, then they got left behind.

There was a difference between taking calculated risk by being smart and being too petrified to make a move. She wasn't being safe keeping her feelings for Rachel to herself all these years, she was being cowardly. She'd had an _inkling_ that Rachel felt the same way, and instead of hoping for the best and _trying_ , she did _nothing_. It would have been one thing if she'd been certain that her feelings weren't reciprocated-- making a move when there was no inkling of reciprocity was idiocy. But doing nothing when there was a sense her feelings were returned was idiocy, too.

But she was still sad, and she was still at least a _little_ angry though still with herself more than Santana or Rachel.

She initiated the kiss, but it was Santana who led them toward the bedroom.

Leave it to Santana to use sex as an apology.

But now, in the cliché morning after, she realized it was a mistake and she was mortified for herself. She winced even more when she heard both their phones beeping intermittently.

Quinn looked at her phone and saw there were over 150 text messages and 55 phone calls. None of them were from Rachel. Quinn swallowed hard at the thought their friendship could be over now. When she thought about it, she didn't think Rachel was the type of person to drop a person for confessing their feelings. But Rachel could be less forgiving of a person who turned their friendship into a public spectacle.

She winced when she saw text messages and emails from her management team. She had a great manager and PR team, and they loved her because she actually managed to bring Rachel on board with them, too. Rachel was not an A list celebrity yet, but she was getting there, and so the text messages and emails were decidedly annoyed.

"San," Quinn said quietly, gently nudging her friend awake. "You need to check your phone."

Santana had a different team representing her, and Quinn knew Santana needed to check as soon as possible. She had no doubt in her mind that Santana's team was texting, emailing and calling her, too.

"Leave me alone, Blondie. I'm hungover as fuck and dying."

"Seriously, check your phone."

Santana paused. "Did Brit call?" she asked hopefully.

Quinn winced. "No," she said softly. "But my manager says we're on TMZ because of last night."

"Shit," Santana cursed after a pause. "I looked like crap last night."

Quinn laughed in spite of herself. "God. I'll be right back."

She got out of bed to walk into the living room to get her laptop since it would be easier for both of them to see with a laptop.

She was mortified when she saw the video. She looked like a crazy person, accusing Santana of utter ridiculousness. She saw the way she just unloaded on her friends, the way she shrieked at them like some crazed Harpy. When she saw how upset Santana looked, she realized that Santana truly had no idea about her feelings for Rachel. And Rachel. God, she looked so dumbfounded and confused. She had no idea either-- Quinn wanted to laugh. It was self-defeating and pathetic, but she really loved how oblivious Rachel could be sometimes. It was cute and endearingly sweet. Most of the world could probably tell how she felt about Rachel-- that was probably how all the speculation and rumors in the tabloids got started. But Rachel remained blissfully unaware-- it was one of the qualities Quinn found so endearing about Rachel even as that very quality stomped on her heart.

Her eyes widened when she saw that someone had acquired the 911 tape from a couple years ago when Rachel had pneumonia.

She was almost afraid to click on the link, but she knew she must.

That night still counted as one of the most traumatizing and frightening nights of her life. Everything worked out fine, so she didn't even think about it now. But she'd never forgotten finding Rachel unconscious in that bathroom or seeing her have a febrile seizure. In that moment, she didn't know what was going on-- it'd been a while since she'd seen Rachel and she had no idea she was feeling unwell. She'd thought there was a possibility Rachel could die before she had the chance to say 'I love you, and yes, I know you know that, but I meant I love you/love you, not I love you like a sister,' because she just knew Rachel would have needed clarification. In the hospital, when Rachel was delirious from her fever, she'd promised to herself that if she had the chance, she would tell Rachel she loved her. But when Rachel turned out to be okay, Quinn lost her nerve. It was so easy to promise "I am going to live for today" but usually a person quickly remembered there were still consequences to deal with tomorrow.

Quinn thought all of that 'carpe diem' stuff was hooey, but that was likely more due to the way she was raised than anything else. She wasn't one of those people that could blow off work to go smell roses, go on a picnic or drive all night to Las Vegas on an impromptu trip. She was responsible almost to a fault despite her profession which almost went hand-in-hand with the word 'flaky' even though flaky actors weren't trusted enough to get work. She wasn't raised to be the kind of person to declare her feelings without thinking about the repercussions. She didn't follow her whims or obey the inscrutable exhortations of her soul.

She was glumly staring at the computer screen after the recording of her 911 call finished.

Now it was out there for the whole world and more specifically for Rachel.

She was so humiliated.

"Q, it's okay. It's going to be okay."

"Easy for you to say, you don't look like some she-beast out of Greek Myth."

"At least those chicks were usually hot, even if they were like, mermaids or had hair made of snakes or something."

Quinn chuckled. "I'm sorry, San," she said quietly. "I was awful to you. I was just upset because…" her voice trailed off. "I'm so sorry. I know you'd never try to hurt me."

"It's okay," Santana said softly. "I should have known you loved her. It…it was so obvious now that I see all this." She swallowed visibly. "I just thought the paps were full of it, you know? I thought if you actually were in love with her, you would have told me. Or at least told her. I mean, you guys have known each other forever."

Quinn flinched. "I didn't see the point. She doesn't feel the same way."

"How do you know that for sure? You'd have to be blind not to see the way she's looking at you in that video."

Quinn's response was interrupted by a timid knock on her front door. At least, she thought it was a knock on the door. She wasn't sure and both she and Santana paused, craning their heads toward the door. There was another knock, this time louder.

"Maybe that's your girl."

"Yeah, right," Quinn snorted. She would be very surprised if Rachel ever spoke to her willingly again. At least, not until she apologized to the brunette first. She would get around to it soon, but for now, she was going to pretend that she still had a best friend named Rachel Berry.

She got out of bed and put on a t-shirt and a pair of underwear.

"You should put something on, too," she told Santana as she left the room to answer the door. She realized she would always have to be friends with Santana because even if Rachel was her best friend now, she doubted she would be able to get into a fight with Rachel, have sex with Rachel less than an hour later, wake up knowing there would never be a chance for something more and still lounge around naked, making casual conversation. That was the hallmark of a very unique friendship and a person just could not let a friendship like that go. She thought in another life, it would have been Santana she fell in love with. Quinn sardonically thought to herself that maybe in that other life, Santana would still be in love with Brittany and maybe she was just doomed to futile love.

There was another knock on the door and Quinn hurried closer to the door, her irritation rising. She looked in the peephole and saw that it was Rachel.

She took a deep, bracing breath and unlocked her door quickly.

They stared at one another for a long moment.

Rachel sighed shakily. "Do you love me?" she demanded quietly.

Quinn stared at her speechlessly.

"Do you love me?" Rachel repeated.

Quinn swallowed hard. "I…I…" she stammered, unsure how to respond. She wanted to deny it, she wanted to just play off last night to belligerent drunkenness. She wanted to say she was just talking out of her ass and beg for things just to go back to normal.

But Rachel was staring at her, her eyes bright and intense and Quinn couldn't tell if she was angry or just upset. She thought she saw a little hope there as well, but she realized perhaps this was just wishful thinking. She couldn't tell what answer Rachel wanted to hear, and so she decided on the truth.

Quinn swallowed hard and gave a small nod of her head.

Rachel just stared for a moment and then Rachel took a few steps closer.

"Do you mean it?" Rachel asked, staring intently into Quinn's face.

Quinn nodded again.

Rachel exhaled and then took a deep breath. She reached up with one hand to cup Quinn's cheek, stood up on tiptoe and pressed her lips against Quinn's.

Quinn's eyes widened and she almost took a step back from shock. But then she realized what was happening, shut her eyes and sighed into the kiss.

She'd kissed Rachel on many occasions, but it was always while a camera was rolling. This moment was _theirs_ and theirs alone.

But the threat of noisy neighbors and intrusive paparazzi always loomed over her and so, without breaking contact, she pulled Rachel into her apartment, slammed her door shut and shoved Rachel against it.

Rachel laughed quietly, but didn't break the kiss.

Quinn moaned when Rachel's tongue slipped between her lips. It was familiar-- they'd kissed before after all, but she realized that Rachel kissed differently when she was being herself and when she was playing a role. Kissing Rachel when they were playing Andrea and Lily held the promise of this and Rachel richly delivered.

Quinn pulled away breathlessly. "Wait, wait," she said. "Is this…" she swallowed hard and tears sprang to her eyes at the thought that Rachel was doing this out of pity. "Are you doing this because you feel sorry for me?"

Rachel just stared at her for a moment. "It's because I love you," she said quietly. "I have for a while, I just didn't want to admit it. It…it was weird for me."

"I…I have to tell you that um, Santana is here. And last night, we…we…we slept together," Quinn said in a rush. She didn’t want there to be any problems.

Rachel gazed at her for a moment and Quinn started to feel afraid.

Rachel stared down at Quinn's bare legs. "You're not wearing pants," she noted.

Quinn's forehead furrowed. "That's _all_ you have to say?"

"Your underwear is very cute, Quinn. I don't typically associate cupcakes with soccer balls and owls, but somehow your underwear makes the combination work. It's very eclectic and must be some hipster fixation."

"Are you actually mad about the Santana thing and now you’re ignoring it?"

Rachel chuckled. "I'm not mad about it," she promised. "I'll buy you guys brunch. We both have the day off."

Quinn beamed at her. "This is really happening, right?"

"Move in with me," Rachel whispered.

Quinn's eyes became huge at the non-sequitur. "What?"

"We've moved so slowly," Rachel replied. "I know it's not sensible. I know it’s unwise. It's not rational, and maybe i-it's a mistake. But we've been glacial with one another and look at where it ended up last night. Maybe the solution for us is to move too fast to make up for lost time-- and I know you'll need space. You--you can move into the guest room and you can have your own space."

"You want me to move in? What about my apartment?"

"I'll pay half your lease breaking fee. I'll pay the whole thing if you want. Or you can keep it if you…" Rachel faltered. "If you need refuge from me. But please, move in with me. Let's do this. We've already wasted so much time, I don't want to waste another moment."

Quinn's thoughts were racing-- she couldn't get a handle on them. She knew that she wanted this, and that sometimes the thing one wanted wasn't necessarily the smart thing. She knew that this could blow up in her face. But she'd been so afraid of confessing her feelings out of fear of losing Rachel and now she knew her feelings were reciprocated. She wanted to stop being afraid despite the fact she was now more terrified than ever. For once in her life, she wanted to stop calculating risk versus benefit. She wanted to allow passion to outrun good sense because she'd been stamping down the former for as long as she could remember and confusing the latter for cowardice.

Ultimately, she knew, she wanted this and she would have to do it.

"Okay," Quinn agreed softly.

Rachel grinned and she rose to her tiptoes to peck Quinn quickly on the lips. "You and Santana get ready, then pack a bag and bring some of your favorite books and your favorite knick-knacks. I'll clear out closet space-- I use the closet in my spare bedroom for my winter coats, but I'll move them so you can utilize the full space. I expect you and Santana at my apartment within two hours."

Quinn's head was spinning but she silently nodded her assent and watched as Rachel let out a happy squeal, clapped her hands and practically skipped out of the apartment.

"I have to get my apartment ready for your arrival!" Rachel called out as she left.

A huge grin spread across Quinn's face and she turned around, shouting for Santana.

She found Santana leaning against the doorframe to the bedroom. Santana grinned at her. "I heard everything. Way to go, Q. You managed to skip over dating and right into the stereotype with the U-Haul."

Quinn practically leaped into her arms, laughing happily.

\--

Rachel and Quinn only lived six blocks apart, so when Rachel left Quinn's apartment, she decided to run back to her apartment, since running always cleared her head. Once she got back to her apartment, she was convinced that though she was insane, she was also doing the right thing. She could run a five minute mile, so running six blocks did not take her very long, and she consequently did not expend much energy on thinking things through. She knew she probably _should_ ruminate things a little longer, but she wasn't going to do so-- over-thinking things messed her up in the first place. She was going to go with her gut on this one.

When she unlocked her door and entered, she immediately knew that someone was already in the apartment.

She frowned. Quinn was the only other person with a key to her apartment. But there was no way Quinn beat her to the apartment.

Still.

"Quinn?" Rachel called out.

There was a decidedly male cough from the master bedroom.

Rachel swallowed hard. "I HAVE A RAPE WHISTLE," she yelled. She paused, wishing she'd yelled that she had a gun. She realized she still had that chance. "AND I ALSO HAVE A REALLY HUGE GUN." She paused. "A HUGE GUN WITH A KNIFE IN THE HANDLE! AND DON'T THINK FOR A MOMENT SUCH A THING DOESN'T EXIST, BECAUSE IT DOES AND I OWN IT."

Rachel winced at her stupidity, she needed to run away and call the police not make absurd claims of owning weapons that did not exist.

The door to the master bedroom door opened and she could hear the toilet settling after just being flushed from the en suite bathroom.

Finn Hudson peeked his head out. "You have a gun? Can I see it?"

"Finn!" Rachel shrieked, clutching her chest. "What are you doing here?"

She never changed the locks after he moved out, and she now realized she should have. She fumed at his presumptuousness. How dare he just let himself in? She felt safe enough now to enter the apartment since Finn wasn't some criminal rapist, just an unwelcome intruder. She shut the door behind her and he began to walk toward her.

They met in the entryway.

He smiled boyishly. "I came for a visit."

She stared at him. "And you let yourself in?!" she demanded.

His smile faltered. "I still had a key."

She frowned. "Why?"

"I just couldn’t get rid of it," he admitted quietly. He moved in closer for a hug and she allowed herself to be pulled into his arms.

She gazed closely at his face. She'd known him long and well enough to know that he was upset.

"What's wrong?" she asked quietly.

His face trembled. "I messed up, Rach," he admitted hoarsely. "I really fucked up."

She sighed. When they were in high school, he was her best friend before he became her boyfriend. At least, she considered him her best friend. It was only in retrospect that she realized they were never really friends back then-- they'd danced around their attraction by calling it friendship. But they were never really friends in the traditional, platonic sense. She didn’t consider him a friend anymore, but she once loved him so intensely that she just couldn't bring herself to send him away.

She took him by the hand. "Come on, let's sit on the couch."

\--

He looked around for a while before he spoke again.

"It hasn't changed that much," he noted neutrally.

She shrugged. She wanted him to get to the point. "What's going on, Finn?"

\--

As he told her the story, she thought about how lucky she was that he'd left her. He wasn't a bad person. In actuality, he was better than most people. But he had an anger management problem. He had a pretty high tolerance for frustration, and it only got better the older he got. But there were just certain things that pushed his buttons and he just couldn't seem to manage his feelings. When he got like that, he was impossible to predict. His temper could be explosive.

She could remember that in their marriage, there'd been times when he got so frustrated or angry, that he'd throw things, punch the walls, kick chairs or destroy whatever he happened to be holding. She never once believed he would raise his hand to her. He never even came close to it. The roughest he'd ever grabbed her was when he pulled her back onto the sidewalk when a car made a right turn at a red light. But she sometimes worried that she'd get caught in the crossfire at his rage toward inanimate objects.

He'd gotten into an argument with his wife, Sara, over finances and he'd blindly grabbed a dish and thrown it at the wall she was standing against. He hadn't thrown it at her-- he'd actually aimed it at least four feet away. Unfortunately, when the dish shattered, the pieces flew in multiple directions and she'd been holding their toddler daughter at the time. Both Sara and Helen were okay, but the incident frightened Sara enough that she'd kicked him out.

Rachel shut her eyes. "Finn," she groaned, shaking her head.

"I would never hurt either of them!" Finn insisted.

But he looked regretful and sad. Rachel knew he brought it on himself, but she still felt sorry for him.

"Finn, you need to figure out how to manage your anger," Rachel said, exasperated.

Some part of her was perversely relieved that he treated Sara the same way he treated her. She'd always believed there was something wrong with her to make their marriage end. But now she realized he truly was the one with the problem, not her.

He looked defensive. "I only kicked a chair that once."

She fought the urge to roll her eyes at his selective memory. On top of everything he'd ever thrown, he'd also hurled her Tony award at the wall. She couldn't believe he'd forgotten that, because the incident precipitated a fight between him and her brother.

"Finn," she said gently. "You're a father now. Don't you think you need to set a good example for your daughter?"

He looked sorrowful. "I'd never hurt them."

"You’re a good guy, Finn, but you get out of control sometimes. You need to sort that out. I have to admit, I think she did the right thing kicking you out."

"I know," he said quietly, teary-eyed. "I messed up, Rach, I really, really messed up."

"I know," she said softly.

"Can I crash with you for a few days?" Finn asked softly. "Sara kicked me out and I can't stay with my mom because she moved in with Burt and he's kind of a dick about me being around. I got a few days off work…"

Rachel sighed. "And you couldn't think of anyone else?" she asked, annoyed.

"You’re still the one I can count on," Finn countered.

Rachel sighed and rubbed her face. "Finn, we're _divorced_ , we have been for two years. You can't possibly expect me to agree to this."

"Please, Rach," he pleaded. "She just needs space and I need to figure things out. I needed to get out of Lima for a while. Please."

She scratched her neck out of pure frustration. She was going to get a stress rash.

"Rach, please," he pleaded. He grabbed her hand and held it in his own.

She used to feel so safe when he'd hold her hand. His hands were so much larger than hers and when he took her hand, it was akin to when one of her parents would cover her with a blanket while she was growing up. She didn't really need it, but it still made her feel safe and warm.

She stared at their joined hands, unsure of what to do.

"Finn," she said softly. "It's not all up to me. I have other considerations."

He frowned. "Like what?"

She pulled her hand away. "Don't take that possessive tone with me," she snapped at him. "We're divorced. You aren't entitled to know anything about my life anymore."

He looked at her in surprise and she realized that she'd very rarely stuck up for herself when they were married-- she'd generally conceded and acquiesced to him. She hated herself for that-- God, she'd been such a doormat. He called her loud and controlling, but really, he'd always been the one in charge because she'd been too terrified of losing him to ever risk making him angry with her by sticking up for herself. How had she been blind to that for so long?

"Sorry," he said softly. He held his hands up in surrender. He reached for her hand again. "Please, Rach. This is your place. Can I please stay for a few days?"

Rachel swallowed hard. That was just the thing-- this wasn't just her home anymore, it was Quinn's, too.

At that exact moment, Rachel heard the key in her front door turn and the door opened.

Rachel turned toward the door and saw Quinn and Santana standing in the doorway.

Quinn stared at them and she looked furious.

Rachel yanked her hand away from Finn and quickly stood. This must look so bad. Quinn and Santana stared at Finn. Santana looked disgusted, but Quinn looked at him with such disdain and once again, Rachel wondered how she could have been so blind to the fact that Quinn clearly hated him. Had she always hated him, or was it out of loyalty?

"Quinn," Rachel said softly, approaching the blonde.

"What's _he_ doing here?" Quinn asked, gesturing toward him with her chin. She crossed her arms in front of her chest, her lower lip protruding prominently. Her hair looked tousled-- it was clear she hadn't even paused to brush her hair-- she just packed one bag and a box and headed over. She looked like a petulant child and Rachel very much wanted to appease her.

"He was just here when I got back," Rachel promised desperately. "He just let himself in."

"Why the hell is he here, Berry?" Santana demanded.

"He got into a fight with his wife and she kicked him out. He wants to stay here for a few days."

"Absolutely not," Quinn said immediately.

Rachel nodded her assent. "Okay."

Quinn blinked. "Okay?"

Rachel nodded. "Okay. I--I don't want to start out badly," she stammered. "I want this to work. This is your home, too, now. If you don't want him here, I'll make him leave."

Quinn sighed. "Fine, he can stay," she said. "But four days max."

Rachel's forehead furrowed, confused. "What? But you just said--"

"As long as he sleeps on the couch, he can stay." Quinn sighed again. "San's going to stay at my place. I'm staying here. I know you still care about him--"

"I don't," Rachel protested.

"I know he still matters though," Quinn said. "So, if he wants to stay here, it's fine."

Rachel smiled. "Thank-you," she said. She kissed Quinn's cheek. "I'll lay down the ground rules with him."

She scampered off, leaving Quinn and Santana looking at one another.

Santana made a face and shook her head.

Quinn shrugged and made a face.

\--

Rachel felt terrible about putting Quinn in this position, but a part of her still felt like she owed it to Finn to take care of him. They'd loved and belonged to one another once, and that meant something to her. She didn't want to be the sort of person to wish ill upon someone she once loved just because they were no longer _in_ love. She didn't want to be like her mom and dad who had such an acrimonious divorce that even now, after 20 years, and each finding new partners who were better suited for them, they still hated one another. They could be civil when it mattered and when she was married to Finn, they actually got along very well because they were united in their hatred of him. But her parents' marriage was a model for everything she did not want.

Finn seemed to be a little more attuned to the needs of other people now-- it must have been fatherhood. He seemed to understand he would need to leave for a while and come back to the apartment later. She walked him to the door and reminded him of directions. She headed toward the spare bedroom where Quinn was unpacking her things. She hoped eventually Quinn would move into her bedroom so they could truly be together, but she knew the best way for this to work was for Quinn to have her own space, too. Even if they were living together.

"This is bull, Q. Why does he have to stay here? If he has enough money to come to New York City on a goddamn whim, then he should have the money to get a hotel room. Isn't he, like, 30 or something? Shit, Q."

"I know, San. But she wants this. This is important to her. And she's going to be with me, not him. I'm not going to risk making her upset over _him_."

Rachel bit her lip. She couldn't do this to Quinn. She'd let Finn stay for one night, because she'd already told him he could stay. But if he wanted to stay in the city, he'd have to get a hotel or something. She needed to start things with Quinn on a good note.

She knocked on the door.

"Come in," Quinn called out.

Rachel opened the door. Quinn was chuckling.

"This is your place, you don't need to knock."

"This is our place," Rachel corrected. "And this is your room, so yes, I do."

Quinn grinned at her, and sauntered over, pressing a kiss to the corner of Rachel's mouth. She put an arm around Rachel's waist, drew her near, and smiled. "Is this okay?" Quinn asked.

"Oh God," Santana muttered, appearing disgusted. "You're asking for permission? Are you a fucking adult or are you 12? Jesus. Then again, you've probably fantasized about asking her that since you were 12."

They ignored her. Rachel smiled at Quinn and rested her head against Quinn. "More than okay," she murmured.

They just stood there, enjoying the moment.

"I'll tell him he has to leave by tomorrow night," Rachel said softly. "I know you don't want him here and you’re way more important to me than he is."

"You don't have to do that," Quinn sighed.

Rachel shook her head. "I'm going to tell him to leave," Rachel repeated.

She took Quinn and Santana to brunch and by the time they returned, Finn was already back and eating cereal on the couch whilst watching, improbably enough, a rerun of _Sabrina the Teenage Witch_.

"Is this guy retarded?" Santana whispered.

Rachel frowned at her, not liking Santana using the word as a slur. Santana shrugged indifferently.

"Finn," Rachel called out. "Do you want to get a drink, just the two of us?"

He looked up and smiled boyishly. He nodded earnestly, picked up the bowl and drank the remaining almond milk.

She wasn't looking forward to the conversation.

\--

Quinn paced the living room anxiously while Santana sprawled on the couch eating a very large cookie and eyeing an episode of _Sabrina the Teenage Witch_ while intermittently glancing at Quinn.

"Yo, Q. Sit down before Private Tidbit Littlebit makes you pay for the hole you're putting in her floor."

"It's _our_ floor now," Quinn said absently as she continued to pace. "I wish she'd let me go with them. I mean, he's _ridiculous_. What if he gets mad that she won't let him stay and he hits her or something?"

"Then we'll kill him, Q." Santana said around a mouthful of vegan chocolate chip cookie.

Quinn frowned at her. "Seriously, S."

"I am being serious, Q. If he lays a hand on her, we'll kill him and dump his body in the Hudson. It'll be, you know, befitting or whatever. The Hudson in the Hudson. It'll be, like, an episode of _Bones_ except we won't get caught."

"He's just so unpredictable," Quinn said quietly. "He smashed her Tony once. They were having a fight and he just threw it at the wall."

Santana stared at her. "She told you he did that?"

"I was there," Quinn said emphatically. "I wouldn't put anything past him. She thinks he's a good guy, and maybe he is, but he's always been a dick to her."

"Q, seriously. If he puts his hands on her, it'll be his last night on earth. Promise."

It was weird, but that actually made her feel better.

\--

Rachel finally came home with Finn in tow. They were both stumbling drunk and giggling while walking and though Quinn was irritated, she was just glad Rachel was okay.

Rachel smiled at Quinn. "Finn and I are good," she told Quinn simply.

That particular night, Santana crashed in Rachel's spare bedroom, Finn slept on the couch and Rachel and Quinn shared the master bedroom.

Rachel was beginning to sober up by the time they went to bed. They lay curled up in bed together.

"Did it go okay?" Quinn asked quietly. "How did he react?"

"He was upset at first," Rachel said honestly. "But he understood. Finn isn't a bad person. Once I explained to him why he couldn’t stay here after tonight, he was okay with it. He's going to stay in a hotel."

Quinn cleared her throat. "Why is he here anyway? What's going on between him and his wife?"

Rachel sighed. "He really screwed up," she said quietly. "They were having a fight and she was holding the baby when he threw a plate."

"Bastard," Quinn whispered softly. "Are they okay?"

"He says they are. I guess it must have really freaked her out because she kicked him out of the house."

"Good."

"Quinn."

"What?!" Quinn demanded. "It's one thing to act like that when you're in high school, but it's a whole other thing to behave that way as an adult." She swallowed hard. "Rach, you have to be honest with me…did he ever…" she was almost afraid to ask, because if the answer were yes, she knew she'd have to kill him.

"He never raised a hand to me," Rachel assured.

"Good," Quinn said relieved. "Rach, come on, you have to know that he just has to grow up."

"I know," Rachel said quietly. She was silent for a long moment. "I think that's my fault."

Quinn blinked. "What?"

"I was with Finn a long time," Rachel said a little wistfully. "We never really had to grow as people while we were together and I…I should have pushed him to do it, but I never did because I was so afraid of losing him. I knew one day his temper was going to be a problem, but I just ignored it."

"Rachel, you can't blame yourself for that. He acts like a child when he's angry. I've seen him do it."

Rachel snuggled closer to Quinn. "I think maybe it’s a good thing we took so long to do this. Otherwise, maybe we would have stagnated, too."

Quinn flushed. "I've loved you for as long as I can remember," she confessed.

Rachel chuckled quietly. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"You were always with him," Quinn pointed out. "And I just…I couldn't. You always just saw me as a kid. What was I supposed to do? Ask the Prom Queen out on a date and take her out on my bike?"

Rachel laughed. "I was always really fond of you," she murmured.

"But you always saw me as a kid, right?" Quinn asked. "I mean, what would you have done if I told you? Told me you were flattered, but I was just a kid and then taken me out for a movie and some ice cream and told me eventually I would find someone who could love me back and my feelings for you were just a crush?"

Rachel was silent, confirming. It was eerie how well Quinn knew her.

"Well, what about after Finn and I divorced?" Rachel pressed.

"I was afraid," Quinn confessed quietly.

"Oh," Rachel said softly.

"What changed for you?" Quinn asked curiously.

Rachel was quiet for a long moment before she responded. "The show, I guess," she admitted. "I know we worked together before, but it was different this time. Back then, I was married anyway, but you were so new to the city and it was like when we were kids. But this time, working with you…this is your show, you know? And I realized, finally, you aren't a kid, you're my _peer_."

"Finally," Quinn joked.

"I just started to see you differently," Rachel said quietly. She bit her lip. "I hated myself for it."

" _Why_?"

"Because we grew up together!" Rachel exclaimed. "You dated my little brother. I didn't want to be Appalachian."

Quinn chuckled quietly. "I loved Puck," she murmured.

"Aw Puckie."

"He hates it when you call him that."

"I know."

"I loved him, but I just always loved you a little more. Even when I was little. Like when you'd hold my hand to cross the street."

Rachel laughed quietly. "Quinn, a child that age can't possibly be capable of the feelings you're talking about."

"Don't say that," Quinn contested hotly. "I know what I felt. I was in love with you for as long as I could remember."

"I'm sorry," Rachel relented, feeling apologetic.

"Do you really like me?"

Rachel swallowed thickly. "Yeah," she said quietly. "I love you. I really tried to fight it. I felt like this dirty old woman taking advantage of you. When you first moved out here, your dad called me up and asked me to watch out for you."

"He did?" Quinn interrupted.

Rachel laughed gently. "Yeah," she affirmed. "I could remember a time when you were in diapers and the way you would draw me pictures when you were little." She paused. "Come to think of it, every time you drew me pictures, it was always of a house and we were the only two people in it."

Quinn flushed. "I know."

"I still have a lot of them, you know," Rachel said.

"You do?!"

"Yeah, as you might imagine, I am pretty sentimental. But I'm at least practical-- they're in a box of my old things in my mom's attic. You were just so cute-- I couldn't throw them away. And I remember thinking how you were pretty meticulous for being such a little kid."

"I always tried to be my best when it came to you," Quinn admitted shyly.

Rachel laughed and put her arm around Quinn, pulling her close. She kissed Quinn's cheek. "I should have told you," she said with a soft sigh. "But I felt so guilty."

Quinn frowned. "Is that when you started ho-ing?"

"Hey!" Rachel exclaimed, outraged.

"What?" Quinn said with a tiny grin. "Out of nowhere you just started to go out with _anyone_ who asked you, and some of those guys were gross."

Rachel sighed. "I guess we should just put all our cards on the table," she admitted. "Yes, I did start dating other people because I knew I needed to get over you. I didn't feel right about it."

"What about now?" Quinn asked. "Do you feel okay with it now?"

"I don't know," Rachel admitted. "I mean, you're a _kid_ \--"

"I'm not a kid!" Quinn interrupted harshly, though she understood that in that moment, she really did sound like a kid.

"Sorry," Rachel whispered. "I know you aren't, but I thought of you that way for a long time and I felt like a pervert for liking you…"

"You know you're _only_ four years older than I am, right?"

"I know," Rachel said quietly. "But I had this emotional attachment to looking at you a certain way and when that changed, it totally freaked me out. I felt like if I told you that things changed for me, I'd scare you away."

Quinn chuckled. "I probably would have done cartwheels and handstands. Maybe even a few backflips. I can still do them, you know. Muscle memory."

Rachel laughed. "That Sue Sylvester. She was psychotic. I told you she was going to go after you, you should have listened to me."

"No kidding," Quinn grinned. "She still talked about you like you were the Holy Grail. It was because of you that we had six am practices during the summer because everyone knew you were getting up at five since you were like, ten."

Rachel laughed. "I never would have joined the Cheerios, but your sister dragged me into it."

"She just had her eye on you or something," Quinn said, almost in wonderment. "It was like a switch turned on. She just snapped you up and took you away from me."

Rachel let out a cry of bewildered amusement. "Quinn, you were only nine years old when I started high school. We were in totally different places."

"Please, you were thirteen and you didn't even wear a training bra. You had more in common with me than you did with Taylor."

Rachel let out a squeal of outraged embarrassment and instinctively crossed her arms in front of her chest, clutching them close to her body. Even though it was dark and it wasn't as though Quinn could see her.

"Aw," Quinn chuckled. "Well, they're bigger now," she teased gently. "I mean, they grew to be really nice." She began to blush when she realized what she was saying.

Rachel laughed. "It's so weird that I'm more self-conscious about you seeing my body now that we're actually dating."

Quinn joined in her laughter. "I feel the same way. I didn't think you were looking at me before, even when, like, we were filming a scene and I knew you were looking right at my belly fat--"

She was interrupted by Rachel's outraged cry of protest.

Quinn chuckled warmly, from low in her throat. "What?"

"You don't have _any_ fat!"

Quinn laughed. "I do. See? You just weren't looking."

Rachel giggled and nudged Quinn gently in the ribs. She scooted closer to Quinn so that she could bury her face into the crook of Quinn's shoulder.

Quinn chuckled and hugged Rachel, holding her in place. She stroked Rachel's hair, exalting in the feel of it. Rachel's hair just felt so amazing-- like silk. She couldn't believe that she was getting a chance to do this. She'd never thought she would have this-- she always thought she was doomed to long for someone she couldn't have for the rest of her life. But now looking back on it, she was being pretty melodramatic.

"I love you," Quinn whispered quietly.

"I love you, too," Rachel murmured. She laughed softly and rubbed her nose into Quinn's shoulder. "And I peeked. I looked."

It was ridiculous how _good_ it felt to hear that.

Quinn absently curled a lock of Rachel's hair around her index finger. "This is so weird," she chuckled in disbelief. "I really can't believe this is happening. If I’d known you could reciprocate, I would have told you a long time ago."

"I would have told you, too, if I knew this could happen." Rachel paused. "I suppose we could both do with a dosage of courage."

"I guess it's off to see the Wizard for the both of us, Cowardly Lion," Quinn teased.

Rachel chuckled. "I feel like we wasted so much time."

"You feel like _you_ wasted time? I can't remember a time when I wasn't butt crazy in love with you."

"Oh please, you dated my brother-- a fact that still makes me feel Appalachian. This is going to take some getting used to. Maybe if I pull out some of my teeth, I might feel more like a tootheless hillbilly and this will seem like it's--"

"I loved you," Quinn interrupted quietly. "In one way or another, I loved you. And I'm _really_ glad I'm finally getting this chance with you," she whispered.

Rachel groped for Quinn's hand. When she found it, she threaded their fingers together and held on tightly, so they were palm to palm. "Me too," she said.

\--

They fell asleep that night chatting about nothing in particular.

\--

 

Rachel woke up early the next morning and went for her 5am run. When she got back, she took a shower and then started cooking breakfast for everyone. Finn woke up due to all the noise she was making and trudged into the kitchen. He leaned up against the counter, watching her cook for a long while.

"I never thanked you for all the times you made me breakfast," he mused. "Every day for eight years, no matter how busy you got." He paused. "I guess I just got used to it."

"Familiarity breeds contempt," Rachel said breezily.

"It wasn't like that," Finn protested quietly. "But I did take you for granted."

Rachel gave him a small smile. "What would it have taken short of you divorcing me to realize that?"

"I regret it sometimes," Finn murmured. "I think we could have worked out if we'd wanted the same things in life. I could have made you happy if we'd wanted the same things."

"We had some pretty major differences in that respect," Rachel said philosophically. "I loved you so much-- you were all I wanted for so long. But I didn't love you so much I was willing to move back to Lima for you. If I had, I would have resented you."

"I know," Finn said wistfully. "But don't you ever regret how it worked out?"

"Finn, you filed for divorce," Rachel pointed out.

"I miss you sometimes," Finn said quietly. "You were my first love and marrying you was one of the happiest days of my life. I still think about you. And I wish…I wish I'd treated you better. I know you were unhappy by the time we were over and I wish I hadn't been such a jerk about the way we ended. I don't regret letting you go-- I know I stopped making you happy. But I should have been respectful. You were always good to me and you deserved way more from me. Losing you was hard for me-- it was the hardest thing I've ever experienced until now. I knew I lost you way before we ended. I just did it all wrong to let you go."

Rachel swallowed hard. "Thank you for saying that," she said softly. "But there are no regrets now," she said with a wide smile. "You and Sara are going to work things out and you're going to be a great dad to Helen. And Quinn and I…we're going to be great. Finn, you and I are both going to have amazing lives without each other-- the way it was meant to be, I think."

"I still can't believe you and Quinn. You used to call her 'little Quinn.'"

Rachel flushed with embarrassment. "I know," she said. "It's a little weird, but--"

"It's not," Finn interrupted gently. "It kind of makes sense now. She _hates_ me. She's always hated me even when she was a kid."

"She doesn’t hate you," Rachel protested.

Finn looked at her in askance.

"Okay, maybe a little," Rachel allowed.

"She gets you," Finn said a little wistfully. "In a way I never could. Even when we were still married, I always felt like she understood you better than I did. I think you guys could be really good together."

Rachel smiled brightly. "You do?"

"I think I always knew how she felt about you-- even when we were all still in Lima. I just want you to be happy, Rach," he said softly. "It's all I ever wanted for you. When I stopped making you happy, I knew it was over between us, but it's not like I ever stopped wanting you to be happy just because I couldn't do it anymore I'm sorry I hurt you to do it, it's just...."

"I just want you to be happy, too," she interrupted in a murmur. Once, she would have wanted an explanation for why he had to cheat on her. But she didn't need an explanation anymore.

When she finished cooking, she called out for Quinn and Santana to come out of their respective bedrooms. Santana stumbled out of the guest bedroom, looking bleary-eyed and cranky. Quinn walked out of the bedroom, grinning, until she saw Finn and Rachel standing together in the kitchen, laughing, just like old times.

Rachel smiled reassuringly at her.

Quinn bit her lip, lowered her eyes and peeked up at Rachel again through her eyelashes. She smiled crookedly and seemed to realize that jealousy was foolish.

"Hi," Quinn greeted softly, coming up to Rachel and giving her a quick, chaste kiss on the cheek.

"Hi," Rachel replied, grinning happily, eyes bright. "I made you bacon."

"I can see that," Quinn drawled. She leaned in close so she could whisper in Rachel's ear. "And we haven't even slept together yet. What will you make me when we do?"

Rachel giggled and elbowed Quinn away. "A champagne breakfast buffet."

Quinn laughed and just like that everything was okay. They sat around the table and ate quickly as both Quinn and Rachel were due on set. Santana was due to meet up with other friends in the city and Finn was going to check into a hotel.

Rachel hoped Finn was going to work things out with his wife-- when they went out to grab a few drinks together so they could talk, he couldn't stop talking about his little girl. They'd scrolled through hundreds of pictures of the child on his phone and Rachel realized that she couldn't have made him happy if they stayed together either. He'd wanted a family and she wasn't ready for it yet-- and it hadn’t been fair to expect him to wait. Seeing the way he smiled when he looked at pictures of his daughter and hearing him speak about his wife and child, Rachel knew he had to work things out with Sara. Rachel made him promise to seek out therapy to learn how to deal with his anger so it didn't escalate into him throwing things and he seemed to understand it was necessary.

But she had herself to worry about now, and she was focusing on Quinn as priority number one.

\--

On set, there was this unspoken rule that no one discussed paparazzi reports. But Quinn knew she and Rachel would eventually have to deal with the fallout of having her rant caught on tape and then posted to YouTube and TMZ.

Of course, she was mortified and embarrassed, which is why she was ducking everyone's calls and texts. She was getting literally hundreds of them daily. Both her parents and her sister had called her multiple times and texted her incessantly. From the tone of their messages and texts, none of them sounded surprised or angry-- they just seemed to want answers. But she was still afraid to talk to them about it. The same seemed to be with Rachel who was ducking everyone's calls and hiding from her father and stepfather who lived in the city.

When she and Rachel arrived on set together, hand-in-hand, Quinn knew people were watching them.

"Well, it's about goddamn time," Megan, one of their costars, said as they all grabbed some fruit from the craft services table.

Rachel and Quinn blushed.

That seemed to be the consensus opinion.

\--

Their friends and family wanted answers-- were they together now, or not? But once they received confirmation, no one seemed to care. There was none of the uproar either of them anticipated. The network did ask them to keep their relationship under the radar, but they'd expected that.

\--

Quinn realized that as a girlfriend, Rachel was eager to please. They decided they would be exclusive, which in Quinn's mind was a foregone conclusion considering she was moving in with Rachel. But apparently, Rachel thought the situation merited discussion.

"Rach, _of course_ I understand we're exclusive," Quinn said, rolling her eyes, a little exasperated.

Rachel bit her lip. "It's just…I can be difficult to live with," she offered shyly. "But now that we're doing this, I don't want to do it by halves."

Quinn swallowed hard. She felt like a jerk. She wasn't a very expressive person and though she preceded every action by light years of thought, she didn't want a discussion. But Rachel evidently needed this.

"You aren't difficult," Quinn said softly.

Rachel looked at her wryly.

"Okay," Quinn amended. "You're kind of high-maintenance," she amended with a grin, her lips quirking up further when she saw Rachel scowl. "But I don't care. I _know_ you and I know what I'm getting into."

Rachel beamed at her, and Quinn knew she would be drunk on that smile for the rest of her life, just as she had for her life thus far.

"You think I'm a loudmouth," Rachel said with a grin. "And I think you're kind of a smart ass. I think it's perfect."

Quinn laughed softly. "You think I'm a smart ass?"

"You've certainly got a smart mouth," Rachel informed with a fond smile.

Quinn laughed, both delighted and mildly insulted. She thought she should become accustomed to the feeling because she was certain she would feel it regularly. Rachel was generally sweet, but she was blunt, sometimes to a fault. Quinn didn't take it too seriously though because Rachel never intended it to be hurtful. And well, it was kind of true. She did kind of have a smart mouth, just like Rachel was a bit of a loudmouth.

\--

Despite the fact that Quinn moved in immediately, things between them went glacially slow, as was their custom.

One month into their new living arrangement, they hadn't done much beyond cuddling and kissing.

"Yo, Q. Have you hit that yet?" Santana asked during one of their telephone conversations which became more frequent after Santana's visit. "Cos believe me, you won’t regret it."

Quinn growled. She wasn't mad anymore about Rachel and Santana sleeping together, but she didn't want to be reminded about it either.

"That's a no, right?" Santana mocked. "What the hell are you waiting for, dumb ass? You've had lady wood for Rachel your entire life. And now you're living with her and sleeping in the same bed. It's been a month. I would have banged her like a drum on every surface of that swanky apartment. Seriously. The fucking Health Department would have needed to been called and she would have been hospitalized for dehydration."

"God, Santana, you're disgusting," Quinn snapped, cringing at the imagery.

"Loser," Santana snorted.

"Hey, I don't see you moving on from Brit, and it's been about a month, too," Quinn snapped. "You're just sleeping around. At least I'm starting something real. I'm just trying to make sure it's real."

"Harsh, Q," Santana said, her voice jovial. But she sounded hurt.

"San--"

"Just bang her already," Santana snapped. "She's good, but it's not a reason to treat her like she's the Second Coming of Christ."

Quinn sighed when she realized that Santana hung up on her. She knew her friend wasn't as callous as she pretended to be, and she was in a really fragile place. But she didn't want anyone to talk about Rachel that way. She wasn't a fourteen year old girl, so she didn't think of sex as 'making love,' but she didn't think of it as 'banging' either. She wanted her first time with Rachel to be meaningful.

\--

Two days later, they trudged home after a 15 hour day. Each of their scenes, both separately and together, were emotionally brutal and draining. But the day on set had been touched with an air of jubilation because the Emmy nominations were announced that day and both Quinn and Rachel were nominated for their work on the show. Quinn in the lead actress category and Rachel in the supporting. Quinn thought perhaps her girlfriend would balk at being described as 'supporting,' but that was technically correct. However, Rachel just seemed enthralled to be nominated.

"I don’t mind being the supporting cast to your lead cast," Rachel said sweetly once they announcements were made. She grinned. "Just as long as it's you."

Quinn grabbed her into a tight hug and laughed loudly into Rachel's ear, causing Rachel to laugh and push her away. Rachel rubbed her ear and looked at her with fond exasperation.

When they got home that night, they collapsed immediately into bed.

Rachel scooted to the edge of the right side to turn on the light.

"Let's just get a little rest," Rachel murmured. "And then we'll go take a shower. It's bad to sleep in makeup."

Quinn chuckled. "Okay."

Quinn pulled Rachel close, resting her chin on Rachel's shoulder. She wrapped an arm around Rachel's waist, spooning her. She slipped her hand under Rachel's shirt and began to rub Rachel's stomach.

Rachel laughed softly. "I kind of feel like a cat right now." She paused. "Or a puppy."

Quinn giggled. "You are kind of like a kitten," she teased.

Rachel huffed.

Quinn chuckled warmly and her hand began to trail up higher. Her hand began to graze over Rachel's breasts.

Rachel laughed lowly. "Are you copping a feel?"

Quinn blushed, but she was not ashamed. "Are you opposed?"

Rachel laughed warmly. "Not at all," she murmured. She let out a breathy moan when Quinn lightly pinched one of her nipples. " _Oh_."

Quinn chuckled. "Mmm," she hummed as she continued to stroke the soft, warm flesh of Rachel's breasts. She cupped one breast in her hand, delighting in how that made Rachel moan lowly. Rachel's breasts were the perfect size for her hands. This wasn't the first time they'd touched each other like this, but she still delighted and reveled in it. It was all so new to them-- filming a sex scene for their show, no matter how much skin they'd displayed, could not have prepared her for this. It was new and exciting, but Quinn suspected she would never find this prosaic.

"Go a little lower," Rachel murmured.

Quinn swallowed hard and let her hand drift down to Rachel's belly.

Rachel chuckled. "Lower."

"Are you sure?" Quinn asked softly.

"Yes," Rachel whispered.

"Turn around," Quinn murmured. "I need to see you."

Rachel obliged. She rolled to face Quinn and immediately pressed forward for a long, lingering kiss. She grabbed Quinn's hand and guided it lower.

"You know, this would be easier if you took off your pants," Quinn drawled.

Rachel giggled. "Why, Quinn Fabray, you little charmer. I must confess that is the most gentle and sweet invitation to sex I've ever received."

Quinn groaned. "God, can't you just get naked like a regular person?"

"You are a smart ass," Rachel said loudly.

"And you’re a loudmouth," Quinn retorted. "Take off your clothes."

Rachel grinned. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

Quinn groaned a little, but sat up and immediately shucked off her clothing.

Rachel gazed up at her admiringly. "You're so perfect," she breathed. Her hand reached out to touch Quinn's back, with reverence. "Your skin is like milk," she said softly.

Quinn smiled crookedly. "You said this to me once before," she murmured. "And then you ran away. Are you going to do that again?"

Rachel laughed self-deprecatingly. "Not this time," she promised.

Quinn was naked, but unlike other occasions in which she was unclothed in front of another person, she was not self-conscious. In just a month of dating, she and Rachel had become comfortable being undressed in front of one another, even if they had not yet had sex. She realized Rachel truly was her safe space.

"Come on, Lazy Bones," Quinn murmured. "You can't renege on our deal. I showed you mine and now it’s time you showed me yours," she said, gently hooking her fingers behind the waistband of Rachel's pants and pulling.

Rachel chuckled and allowed herself to be undressed.

Quinn gazed down at her. "Hello, my beautiful girl."

Rachel giggled. "Stop being silly."

Quinn bent down and kissed Rachel's stomach. "I'm not being silly. I'm being factual."

"Factual?" Rachel drawled with a grin. "Really?"

Quinn brushed her nose against Rachel's belly. "I've thought about this moment for a long time," she admitted quietly.

Rachel threaded her fingers through Quinn's hair, her fingernails lightly scratching at Quinn's scalp. "I hope it doesn't disappoint," she said nervously.

"No way," Quinn promised.

\--

When it came down to it, it was just sex-- two bodies pressed against one another, the wet glide of flesh against flesh. Temperatures rose, bodies became flushed and they each found their release.

For Quinn, sex had always been simply physical, but for the first time, it became more than that. It wasn't perfect--it took time to build to that. But it wasn't touched with adolescent awkward fumbling either.

It was the first time Quinn could remember giving herself over to joy and it was the first time she believed that sex truly could be as much an emotional experience as physical. She'd always believed there was something cloyingly maudlin about that viewpoint.

But it was different with Rachel, because for her, Rachel had always been someone special.

\--

One year later, when they exchanged wedding vows in front of their friends and family, Quinn knew this was forever. And she understood what her mother tried to tell her at Taylor's wedding when she said there were merits to sticking things out even when others would give up.

Quinn knew there were things she could not accept in a relationship, but over the course of a year of dating and over twenty years of friendship, Quinn realized Rachel wasn't capable of the things she could not accept, so there was no problem.

When their engagement was announced, the headlines read _Emmy Winner Quinn Fabray To Wed Emmy and Tony Winner Rachel Corcoran-Berry_. But sitting with Rachel at their reception, watching the requisite slideshow they'd put together comprised of their childhood photos and pictures of their courtship set to a Coldplay song, Quinn knew they were so much more than what other people knew of them. She was Quinn, who Rachel considered a smart ass. And Rachel was Rachel, who Quinn considered a loudmouth. And it just seemed _enough_. Quinn had realized that there was no such thing as perfection. Over the years she'd built Rachel up to be greater than she actually was, but she'd discovered the reality was even better. Rachel was human, fallible and occasionally annoying. And Quinn loved and accepted these things.

There was no such thing as perfect, but good enough.

When they shared their first dance as a couple on a darkened dance floor with their loved ones looking on, Quinn realized that moments like this sustained a good marriage through the mundane moments like cleaning granite tiles and shopping for stainless steel cleansers. Even the mundane moments kept a good relationship going because given a choice between spending the day at Bed Bath and Beyond looking at cleaning products with Rachel and hitting the bars with the alleged A list crowd, there was absolutely no contest at all. Rachel would win every time.

Quinn's mind took a picture as she danced with Rachel. Rachel looked up at her, hair flowing around her like she was some fairytale princess. Rachel looking uncharacteristically shy and just a little nervous. She remembered other moments in her life when she tried to hold onto an image of Rachel, but this was the one she loved best, because in this one, Rachel was her new bride.

"I'm afraid I'm going to fall," Rachel whispered to her. "These heels are so big."

Quinn laughed gently, because Rachel strutted around in five inch heels like a pro. In all her guest appearances on late-night talk shows and on the red carpet, not once had she tripped. She could run in six inch heels and dance in stilts. Quinn had no worries.

"You won't," Quinn assured gently. "But if you do, I'll be here to catch you."

Rachel's arms around her waist tightened. "Really?"

"Really," Quinn murmured. She tightened her arms around Rachel's waist as well. "Don't let me fall either." Quinn wasn't exactly wearing loafers here, either, after all. She was teetering in her heels.

"I won't," Rachel swore.

Quinn blinked back tears and leaned her in closer to kiss away the tears hovering around Rachel's eyelashes.

The song they chose was just a little too corny, but they were not ashamed. Some might find dancing to Sarah McLachlan's "I Love You" was just a bit too literal, but Rachel apparently enjoyed the melodrama of it, and who was Quinn to deny her bride of that?

♪ ♫ _And I forgot to tell you, I love you…_ ♪ ♫

" _I'll_ never forget to say it," Rachel whispered. "I love you."

Quinn's lips curled into an affectionate smile. "Dork," she teased fondly. She laughed through her tears. "I love you, too."

What more did Quinn need than the solace of those three words, the promise to have and to hold, the certainty of love, the merit of longevity and the faith there would be a tomorrow?

The End

P.S. Yes, I do believe Santana and Brittany eventually gets back together.  



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